Our system detected that your browser is blocking advertisements on our site. Please help support FoxesTalk by disabling any kind of ad blocker while browsing this site. Thank you.
Jump to content
 Share
Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

Recommended Posts

Wortho

Wortho

Posted
Posted

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for 'Bear Removers.' He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

'What are you going to do,' the homeowner asks?

'I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.'

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

'What's the shotgun for?' asks the homeowner.

* 'If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.

  • Haha 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Wortho

Wortho

Posted
Posted

A man is sent to prison for the first time. At night, the lights in the cell block are turned off, and his cellmate goes over to the bars and yells, "Number twelve!" The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "Number four!" Again, the whole cell bloock breaks out laughing.

The new guy asks his cellmate what's going on. "Well," says the older prisoner, "we've all been in this here prison for so long, we all know the same jokes. So we just yell out the number instead of saying the whole joke."

So the new guy walks up to the bars and yells, "Number six!" There was dead silence in the cell block. He asks the older prisoner, "What's wrong? Why didn't I get any laughs?"

"Well," said the older man, "sometimes it's not the joke, but how you tell it."

  • Haha 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Buce

Buce

Posted
Posted
On 05/03/2019 at 10:59, Wortho said:

A man wakes up one morning and is surprised to find a gorilla on his roof. He looks in the Yellow Pages and sure enough, there's an advert for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. 

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean looking pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." As he says this, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

 

51 minutes ago, Wortho said:

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for 'Bear Removers.' He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

'What are you going to do,' the homeowner asks?

'I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.'

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

'What's the shotgun for?' asks the homeowner.

* 'If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.

 

3 hours ago, Izzy said:

 

 

It's the way you keep telling them :whistle:

 

  • Haha 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites
  • Popular Post
TiffToff88

TiffToff88

Posted
  • Popular Post
Posted

A man wakes up one morning and is surprised to find a honey badger on his roof. He looks in the Yellow Pages and sure enough, there's an advert for "Honey badger Removers". He calls the number, and the Honey Badger remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. 

The Honey badger remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean looking pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the honey badger off the roof with this baseball bat. When the Honey badger falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The honey badger will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." As he says this, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the Honey badger knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

  • Haha 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Wortho

Wortho

Posted
Posted
6 hours ago, TiffToff88 said:

A man wakes up one morning and is surprised to find a honey badger on his roof. He looks in the Yellow Pages and sure enough, there's an advert for "Honey badger Removers". He calls the number, and the Honey Badger remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. 

The Honey badger remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean looking pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the honey badger off the roof with this baseball bat. When the Honey badger falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The honey badger will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." As he says this, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the Honey badger knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

That sounds familiar 😁😁

  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
  • Popular Post
isaidno

isaidno

Posted
  • Popular Post
Posted

A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food every day and I get a free trip to Australia." "I see," the captain says 'and thats all is it?' Her conscience then got the better of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me." "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."🤣🤣

  • Like 3
  • Haha 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Wortho

Wortho

Posted
Posted

The BBC News channel just displayed images of the three women who claimed that Jimmy Savile interfered with them sexually. They showed a current picture of each of the women and a picture taken of each of them from the 1970s.

The caption read: Now, then. Now, then. Now, then.

  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Vince Vega

Vince Vega

Posted
Posted

A man was sent to prison for the first time and was terrified about all the things he'd heard about what men do to men during the long, dark nights in lock up.  A guard escorted him down the corridor to his cell and all the time he was hoping his cellmate would be as near to normal as could be possible.  The guard stopped suddenly and said (with an evil smile on his face) "Here you are - you're in here" and chuckled to himself as he locked the door and walked off.

 

The cell was very dimly lit and it was hard to see who was in there with him, as a shadow was cast over the bottom bunk, where his cellmate was sitting, although he could see that he was a big fella.  "The top bunk is yours" said a a gruff voice and so he climbed up and sat under his blanket, hoping the night would be quiet and pass without any trouble.  The night slowly passed without a word being said, until a voice from below called out "do you like games?  I like games".  He thought for a moment and thought it best not to offend and so he said "Yes".  The voice said "oh good - we're going to play mummies and daddies.  Do you want to be mummy or daddy"? 

 

Shit, he thought, as his mind was working in overdrive in search of a response that would a) not offend his new found mate and b) not involve him being buggered.  After a few view moments he replied "daddy" - thinking he had dodged that bullet.  "Oh, ok then" came the reply, followed by a long period of silence.

 

Thinking that was it, he started to drop off until the voice said "Daddy"?  So he said "yes Mummy"?  "Get down here and suck Mummy's dick!"   

  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Wortho

Wortho

Posted
Posted

This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress. 
He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot. 
He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away.

Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by. 
When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him. 

It was a different elephant.

  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Wortho

Wortho

Posted
Posted

At a wine merchant the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. 
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position. 
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. 
They gave him a glass to drink. 
He tried it and said, "It's a Muscat , three Years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers, Low grade but acceptable".
"That's correct", said the boss. 
Another glass.... "It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.." 
"Correct." 
A third glass... ''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk. 
The director was astonished, he winked at his secretary to suggest something. 
She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. 
The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, drives a Peugeot, and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
×
 Share
Go to topic listing

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...