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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Wortho

Wortho

Posted
Posted

The Pope was being driven around Glasgow in the Pope Mobile when the Pope says 

' I've been sitting in the back of this thing for years how's about giving me a wee shot of driving ? ' 

So , the Chauffeur gets out and sits in the back and allows the Pope to drive - however , not being used to the sensitive accelerator he goes over the speed limit and is pulled over by a Policeman .

The Policeman immediately phones his office back in Govan and says to his mate ' You'll never guess who I pulled over today ? ' .

' Dunno , Steven Gerrard , Rangers Manager ? ' .

' No , higher up than that ' .

' Dunno , Nicola Sturgeon ? ' .

' No , much higher up than her ' .

' Dunno , who was he then ? ' .

' Well , I don't know who he was but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur !! ' .
 

kingcarr21

kingcarr21

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Wortho said:

The Pope was being driven around Glasgow in the Pope Mobile when the Pope says 

' I've been sitting in the back of this thing for years how's about giving me a wee shot of driving ? ' 

So , the Chauffeur gets out and sits in the back and allows the Pope to drive - however , not being used to the sensitive accelerator he goes over the speed limit and is pulled over by a Policeman .

The Policeman immediately phones his office back in Govan and says to his mate ' You'll never guess who I pulled over today ? ' .

' Dunno , Steven Gerrard , Rangers Manager ? ' .

' No , higher up than that ' .

' Dunno , Nicola Sturgeon ? ' .

' No , much higher up than her ' .

' Dunno , who was he then ? ' .

' Well , I don't know who he was but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur !! ' .
 

The correct answer is Andy King

Trav Le Bleu

Trav Le Bleu

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Wortho said:

The Pope was being driven around Glasgow in the Pope Mobile when the Pope says 

' I've been sitting in the back of this thing for years how's about giving me a wee shot of driving ? ' 

So , the Chauffeur gets out and sits in the back and allows the Pope to drive - however , not being used to the sensitive accelerator he goes over the speed limit and is pulled over by a Policeman .

The Policeman immediately phones his office back in Govan and says to his mate ' You'll never guess who I pulled over today ? ' .

' Dunno , Steven Gerrard , Rangers Manager ? ' .

' No , higher up than that ' .

' Dunno , Nicola Sturgeon ? ' .

' No , much higher up than her ' .

' Dunno , who was he then ? ' .

' Well , I don't know who he was but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur !! ' .
 

Since when has there been a Scottish pope?

 

And maybe I'm over thinking this, but why in Scotland at all?

Wortho

Wortho

Posted
Posted
29 minutes ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

Since when has there been a Scottish pope?

 

And maybe I'm over thinking this, but why in Scotland at all?

Is it because Sturgeon is Scottish? Who knows? Nobody knows!!

Buce

Buce

Posted
Posted

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyses, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.

  • Like 2
  • Sad 1
Wortho

Wortho

Posted
Posted

Bumped into a Chinese guy as I.went the pub. "Have you seen my cocaine?" He asked.

" Not since The Italian Job" I thought. I didn't reply because that could be misconstrued.

  • Like 1
  • Haha 1
Wortho

Wortho

Posted
Posted

A New York attorney, representing a wealthy art collector, called and asked to speak to his client.

"Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "You know, I've had a god damn awful day, Jack, so best I hear the good news first."

"OK" said the lawyer, "I just met with your wife, and she informed me that she has invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million...and looking at them, I think she could be right."

"Wooohooo!! the Collector shrieked with glee "You see Jack, that wife of mine, OMG, wonderful woman my wife - an astute and brilliant business woman, isn't she? The good news was so good, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it ?" 

The lawyer replied, "Well, the two pictures - they're of you with your secretary."

  • Like 1
Wortho

Wortho

Posted
Posted

Harry’s 90th birthday in his retirement home, his nurse came in, short skirt and twangers on display, tits out, lippy to die for, she said “Harry, it’s your big birthday, I’m going to give you super sex”. Harry says “I’ll have the soup please”.

  • Like 1
Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted
On 06/06/2019 at 09:12, Wortho said:

An old man and his wife are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden, the old lady bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells, "Super pussy!" The old man says, "I'll have the soup!

 

9 minutes ago, Wortho said:

Harry’s 90th birthday in his retirement home, his nurse came in, short skirt and twangers on display, tits out, lippy to die for, she said “Harry, it’s your big birthday, I’m going to give you super sex”. Harry says “I’ll have the soup please”.

More soup than Sainsbury’s :rolleyes:

Trav Le Bleu

Trav Le Bleu

Posted
Posted (edited)
12 hours ago, Wortho said:

Just got back from the doctor’s. I’ve been diagnosed with both osteoporosis and brittle bone disease.

Still...mustn't crumble.

At least he didn't have both Hansen's Disease and leprosy.

Edited by Trav Le Bleu
Buce

Buce

Posted
Posted
40 minutes ago, Wortho said:

Aren't they the same thing?

 

Yes, in the same way osteoporosis and 'brittle bone disease' are.

 

That was his point.

Wortho

Wortho

Posted
Posted
35 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

Yes, in the same way osteoporosis and 'brittle bone disease' are.

 

That was his point.

I am seeking a second opinion on this. 

  • Popular Post
Tielemans63

Tielemans63

Posted
  • Popular Post
Posted

A woman walks in on her husband engaging in a bit of anal with his secretary.

 

The wife screams, “You bastard! You can’t do this to me!” The husband says, “I know. That’s why I’m doing it to her.”

  • Haha 7

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