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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Facecloth

Facecloth

Posted
Posted
7 hours ago, Wortho said:

A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before on why you were speeding, I'll let you go."

The old man replied - "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back."!

Would have thought the copper would have heard that excuse before on the 50 previous occasions this joke has been told lol

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Jattdogg

Jattdogg

Posted
Posted
6 minutes ago, woollett the bullet said:

My wife's in a foul mood ,

Someone's stolen a pair of her knickers off the washing line . . . . 

She not bothered about the briefs but she does miss the 12 pegs.

Definitely  a recent posting i believe. Beware of the joke police!

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Facecloth

Facecloth

Posted
Posted
On 31/07/2019 at 08:45, Wortho said:

The wife has got the major hump this morning as someone has stolen a pair of her knickers off the washing line.
Its not so much about the knickers, but she wants the 12 pegs back.

 

18 minutes ago, woollett the bullet said:

My wife's in a foul mood ,

Someone's stolen a pair of her knickers off the washing line . . . . 

She not bothered about the briefs but she does miss the 12 pegs.

 

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Wortho

Wortho

Posted
Posted

On New Year's Eve, the wife stood up in the local bar and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every man to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck - the barman was almost crushed to death

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Wortho

Wortho

Posted
Posted

A poorly-looking horse limps into a bar with a bandage round his head. He orders a glass of champagne, a vintage brandy and two pints of Guinness.
He downs the lot and says to the barman: “I shouldn’t really be drinking this with what I’ve got?”
“Why, what have you got?”
“About £2 and a carrot.”

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Wortho

Wortho

Posted
Posted

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. 
He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness. 

After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighbourhood.....big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS! He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness's

He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. 

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London copper, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know." 

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet." 

"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me". 

He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. 

"In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want." 

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous 
flowers, all in perfect bloom. 

Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. 

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?" 

"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

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egg_fried_rice

egg_fried_rice

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I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale. I said ‘no way, centipedes don’t talk.’ The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me.

 

A little later in that evening I went up to it’s tank and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede said nothing, I scoffed and went to the pub.

 

The next evening I thought I’d give it another try so I went to it’s tank again and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ Still absolutely no response from the centipede, so I went on my way, cursing the pet shop owner.

 

The following evening I thought I would give it one more try, so I went over to it’s tank and asked ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede replied ‘I heard you the first time I’m just putting my ****ing shoes on’.

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TiffToff88

TiffToff88

Posted
Posted (edited)
4 hours ago, Bob Weasel Fox said:

Stealing clothes from washing lines.
Been there, done that, got the tee shirt.

Did you also steal a pair of my wifes knickers?

 

I'm not too bothered about the pants but i would like the 16 pegs back please

Edited by TiffToff88
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UpTheLeagueFox

UpTheLeagueFox

Posted
Posted
On 31/07/2019 at 08:45, Wortho said:

The wife has got the major hump this morning as someone has stolen a pair of her knickers off the washing line.
Its not so much about the knickers, but she wants the 12 pegs back.

 

On 17/09/2019 at 18:30, woollett the bullet said:

My wife's in a foul mood ,

Someone's stolen a pair of her knickers off the washing line . . . . 

She not bothered about the briefs but she does miss the 12 pegs.

 

14 hours ago, TiffToff88 said:

Did you also steal a pair of my wifes knickers?

I'm not too bothered about the pants but i would like the 16 pegs back please

My good pal @Izzy is about to go into meltdown...............

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