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The joke thread

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7 hours ago, Wortho said:

A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before on why you were speeding, I'll let you go."

The old man replied - "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back."!

Would have thought the copper would have heard that excuse before on the 50 previous occasions this joke has been told lol

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6 minutes ago, woollett the bullet said:

My wife's in a foul mood ,

Someone's stolen a pair of her knickers off the washing line . . . . 

She not bothered about the briefs but she does miss the 12 pegs.

Definitely  a recent posting i believe. Beware of the joke police!

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On 31/07/2019 at 08:45, Wortho said:

The wife has got the major hump this morning as someone has stolen a pair of her knickers off the washing line.
Its not so much about the knickers, but she wants the 12 pegs back.

 

18 minutes ago, woollett the bullet said:

My wife's in a foul mood ,

Someone's stolen a pair of her knickers off the washing line . . . . 

She not bothered about the briefs but she does miss the 12 pegs.

 

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I called in sick today and told the manager 'the doctor says I have anal blindness. 'What is that he asked' I said I cant see my ass coming into work today.

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I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. 
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
 

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1 minute ago, Wortho said:

That's quite funny for you but there again it wasn't you :D

Thanks but I didn't claim it was me lol

 

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4 minutes ago, Wortho said:

That's quite funny for you but there again it wasn't you :D

Says the man who's repeated 90% of this thread lol

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On New Year's Eve, the wife stood up in the local bar and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every man to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck - the barman was almost crushed to death

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A poorly-looking horse limps into a bar with a bandage round his head. He orders a glass of champagne, a vintage brandy and two pints of Guinness.
He downs the lot and says to the barman: “I shouldn’t really be drinking this with what I’ve got?”
“Why, what have you got?”
“About £2 and a carrot.”

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An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. 
He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness. 

After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighbourhood.....big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS! He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness's

He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. 

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London copper, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know." 

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet." 

"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me". 

He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. 

"In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want." 

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous 
flowers, all in perfect bloom. 

Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. 

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?" 

"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

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4 hours ago, Bob Weasel Fox said:

Stealing clothes from washing lines.
Been there, done that, got the tee shirt.

Did you also steal a pair of my wifes knickers?

 

I'm not too bothered about the pants but i would like the 16 pegs back please

Edited by TiffToff88

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On 31/07/2019 at 08:45, Wortho said:

The wife has got the major hump this morning as someone has stolen a pair of her knickers off the washing line.
Its not so much about the knickers, but she wants the 12 pegs back.

 

On 17/09/2019 at 18:30, woollett the bullet said:

My wife's in a foul mood ,

Someone's stolen a pair of her knickers off the washing line . . . . 

She not bothered about the briefs but she does miss the 12 pegs.

 

14 hours ago, TiffToff88 said:

Did you also steal a pair of my wifes knickers?

I'm not too bothered about the pants but i would like the 16 pegs back please

My good pal @Izzy is about to go into meltdown...............

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4 hours ago, UpTheLeagueFox said:

 

 

My good pal @Izzy is about to go into meltdown...............

Only 12 pegs? My wife is much bigger than theirs 🤔

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