The joke thread

[surrifox]

A Belfast couple had been trying for ages to conceive a baby. The husband says “if you can’t get pregnant soon perhaps we could consider IVF”

The wife replies “ well if you can’t manage it I don’t want the paramilitaries to get involved” 

[ozleicester]

I never understood why people dislike vegans so much.

I have never had a beef with them.

[Milo]

1 hour ago, ozleicester said:

I never understood why people dislike vegans so much.

I have never had a beef with them.

Mate, I read this as 'vagina's'...    (it kind of almost works, as well)

 

Fvck knows what that says about me and my mind, though...

[Beliall]

Just spent 8 hours going from shop to shop, trying to find some Left Guard for my other armpit.

[isaidno]

I stole a leg of lamb from Tesco last week and the security guard chased me across the car park shouting “oi,what are you doing with that?” I shouted back “roast potatoes,Yorkshire pudding and veg!”

[The Bear]

My favourite composer is Handel. He later went on to collaborate with Hinge and Bracket to form The Doors. 

[Parafox]

14 hours ago, The Bear said:

My favourite composer is Handel. He later went on to collaborate with Hinge and Bracket to form The Doors. 

Who the FK are hinge and bracket?

Joke makes no sense

[notnow john]

1 hour ago, Parafox said:

Who the FK are hinge and bracket?

Joke makes no sense

Never heard of Hinge and Bracket?

In before the lock.

[MPH]

18 hours ago, Parafox said:

Who the FK are hinge and bracket?

Joke makes no sense

 

 

If only there was something on the internet that could help us to search for information like this...

Edited 10 October 2019 by MPH

[Mike Oxlong]

On 09/10/2019 at 20:07, Parafox said:

Who the FK are hinge and bracket?

Joke makes no sense

I’ve only just heard about minge and snack it 

[UpTheLeagueFox]

On 09/10/2019 at 06:01, The Bear said:

My favourite composer is Handel. He later went on to collaborate with Hinge and Bracket to form The Doors. 

Not enough Hinge and Bracket references on FT. Good work Bear!

[Tielemans63]

I found out today that Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween.

 

 

I guess they don't appreciate strangers knocking on their door.

[E.Rose]

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

AYE MATEY

 

[Tinman]

Well thats my Halloween bolloxed. Went to fancy dress shop to pick up me outfit and the bloke handed me a Notts Forest kit. I said "No. I said I wanted to dress up like a count".

[Trav Le Bleu]

14 minutes ago, Tinman said:

Well thats my Halloween bolloxed. Went to fancy dress shop to pick up me outfit and the bloke handed me a Notts Forest kit. I said "No. I said I wanted to dress up like a count".

Well use your Derby County kit then. 

 

 

 

 

 

(Sorry, but you set yourself up for that.)

 

Edited 1 November 2019 by Trav Le Bleu

[Aus Fox]

On 02/11/2019 at 00:19, Tinman said:

Well thats my Halloween bolloxed. Went to fancy dress shop to pick up me outfit and the bloke handed me a Notts Forest kit. I said "No. I said I wanted to dress up like a count".

like the one on seseme street, 1 hahaha 2 hahaha 3 hahaha 4 hahaha

Sorry that want Sesame St, that was me watching the last few Leicester v Derby games.

[Beliall]

A guy tried to sell me a coffin once......I told him that's the last thing I need.

[Parafox]

On 01/11/2019 at 10:05, E.Rose said:

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

AYE MATEY

 

judging by the standard of this, I guess you're eight, eh?

[Izzy]

I've been having trouble sewing recently.

 

Whoops, wrong thread.

 

Edited 5 November 2019 by Izzy

[Stoopid]

5 minutes ago, Izzy said:

I've been having trouble sewing recently.

 

Whoops, wrong thread.

 

Must admit, this had me in stitches!

[davieG]

Took me a while to cotton on to it

[Izzy]

My mate who has a stutter was telling as all about his nana.

 

By the time he finished, we were all singing Hey Jude.

[UpTheLeagueFox]

2 hours ago, Izzy said:

My mate who has a stutter was telling as all about his nana.

 

By the time he finished, we were all singing Hey Jude.

Possibly your best effort yet. That's not saying much mate but take the compliment all the same haha.

[Izzy]

I went to the doctors yesterday for a full check up and after removing my underwear, the doctor remarked that my genitalia was perfectly shaped like a saxophone.

 

I explained that its a family trait and that we all have genitals shaped like musical instruments. 

The doctor was astounded and said in all his years he’d never seen anything like it, but then remembered he did have a female patient who had a vagina shaped like a mouth organ.

 

I told him that’ll be our Monica

[Flamey]

Edit: I'll try again 😟

Edited 8 November 2019 by Flamey
I'm old