The joke thread

[Flamey]

On 10/10/2019 at 14:08, MPH said:

 

 

If only there was something on the internet that could help us to search for information like this...

Obvious! You could Google what time the libraries open and look them up!

[Izzy]

It’s only a five minute walk to my local pub, yet it takes me over half an hour to walk home from the same pub.

 

The difference is staggering.

[Parafox]

On 05/11/2019 at 18:06, Izzy said:

I've been having trouble sewing recently.

 

Whoops, wrong thread.

 

You're a knit.

 

I bet you can spin a yarn, though.

 

 

[Parafox]

3 minutes ago, Izzy said:

It’s only a five minute walk to my local pub, yet it takes me over half an hour to walk home from the same pub.

 

The difference is staggering.

13 years of this topic and we're finally getting near rock bottom.

[Izzy]

Just now, Parafox said:

13 years of this topic and we're finally getting near rock bottom.

Not yet...

 

I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high. 

 

She looked surprised.

[Tielemans63]

A couple of guys are in the pub. First guy says to his mate, "My wife just admitted to me that she's having an affair with Bob the postman."

 

"What?" says his mate. "That fat ugly ****er I see every morning outside your house?"

 

"That's right," says the first guy. "

 

Jesus," says his mate. "Why would Bob the postman want to **** that?"

[Tinman]

 

ME, CALLING INTO BABESTATION: Hey babe, what you wearing? BABE: just a thong baby. ME: Just a thong? BABE: yeah baby. ME: Where’s your fcuking poppy ?

[Tielemans63]

Sex position of the week:

 

The Brexit - you promise to pull out but you don’t.

[Aus Fox]

Ahead of the trip to Kosovo this week, Ben Chilwell was heard asking Joe Gomez if he had any Euros for a coffee at the airport.

Joe said no, apparently he only has Sterling in his pocket.

[ozleicester]

Do you guys remember when I told you about my spine issue?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was about a week back.

[Facecloth]

Just now, ozleicester said:

Do you guys remember when I told you about my spine issue?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was about a week back.

[Milo]

My wife and I have decided we don't want kids...

 

 

 

 

 

...we're going to tell them tonight

[Izzy]

The wife has stopped talking to me because I keep going on about my fantasy football team, but in my defense.....I've got Alexander-Arnold, Stones, Van Dijk and Chilwell

[Tinman]

 

·

 

What’s the difference between a Chick pea and a lentil? I’v never had a lentil on my face

[fuchsntf]

A group of men,sitting in the same Carriage on a train,start discussing their Jobs and stress at work...

Its soon clear ,they are all doctors...Then they start to Open up,how they can Releases alot of the Stress that builds up over the monotone periods.

If turns out,to a man they have Sex with at least One of their willing patients...

 

One was rather coy about it,and didnt Really want to go too Deep into the Details like the others,bragging about their own Great technics....

 

On One of the stations a Beautiful young girl,gets in the train,and pleasantly Greets this seemingly  shy doctor,the others winking at each other,knowingly!!

One of the other Doctors wanting to probe further,asks how comfortable she find this coy doctors couch....

Before he could react....this Beauty in Leaving the carriage, turns around and blurts....I wouldnt know,but he his patients come out rather satisfied but somewhat confused ,especially just before ( The rest drowned out by the Station speakers)

Then she turned back smiling  luringly into the carriage..

 

hes the best Vet,in the district!!! 

[fuchsntf]

A guy comes home from Work early,and finds his Wife Naked in bed,

he asks Innocently... why ?

She answers purtley ,"I have nothing to wear. "..

he laughs saying " he cant believe that" and opens their wardrobe...

and smiles lovingly...

"look you have all you need..Red-dress, that Smart blue suit with ribbons,

Yellow-dress,Green Pants with Burgundy blouse, oh Hello steve..,cream-dress,this Two Toned Orange dress"..

 

[StanSP]

Tampax have announced today they will replace the string on tampons with tinsel. They said this will be exclusively for the Christmas period

[Izzy]

I went for a nice meal out with the wife last night to a posh restaurant.

 

The Waitress came up to me and said: "Are you ready to order sir?"

 

I said: "Can you come back in a bit, my wife is in the ladies room at the moment" .

 

The waitress says: "Do you know what she's having?" 

 

I replied: "Well she's been gone for a good 10 minutes, so probably a shit"

[Trav Le Bleu]

Just found out my granddad beat my grandma to death.

 

He didn't hit her or anything, he just died first.

[willie-bell-in-rothley]

Does anyone know of anybody spending Christmas alone this year as we could do with the spare chairs 

[Tinman]

[Tuna]

7 minutes ago, Tinman said:

Haven't heard that one before 

[willie-bell-in-rothley]

Chilwell not voting today as he srtuggles to put a cross in the box

[Mike Oxlong]

My girlfriend thinks I’m creepy. Well, she’s not my girlfriend yet. 

[Aus Fox]

8 hours ago, willie-bell-in-rothley said:

Chilwell not voting today as he srtuggles to put a cross in the box

Might have been slightly funny 3 years ago...