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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Captain...

Captain...

Posted
Posted
59 minutes ago, ozleicester said:

I saw a short statured person wearing a t-shirt with the slogan "I hate black people" on it...

 


I thought to myself...

 

 

 

"that's a little racist"

Shame on you making jokes about racist dwarves.

 

It's not big and it's not clever.

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Alf Bentley

Alf Bentley

Posted
Posted
On 12/08/2019 at 14:11, Wortho said:

What do you call a Chinese woman with a food processor on her head?
Brenda

 

3 minutes ago, Wortho said:

What do you call a Chinese woman with a food processor on her head?
Brenda

 

Same joke twice in a week?

 

You're losing it, Wortho! :thumbup:

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Alf Bentley

Alf Bentley

Posted
Posted
6 minutes ago, Izzy said:

What do you call a Chinese man with a food processor on his head?

 

Ken Wood

 

 

What do you call a Scottish man without a food processor, who is limited to using manual implements?

 

Knife forkin' idea!

 

1 minute ago, Wortho said:

I can't remember that far back. And thanks for researching my previous jokes :thumbup:

 

Astonished that I remembered myself. Probably comes from proofreading being part of my work - encourages the pedant in me!

 

Though your jokes are always memorable, of course. Some of them are even funny! :ph34r:

 

 

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Buce

Buce

Posted
Posted

10 funniest jokes of the 2019 fringe

1. I keep randomly shouting out “Broccoli” and “Cauliflower”. I think I might have Florets. – Olaf Falafel

2. Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy. – Richard Stott

3. What’s driving Brexit? From here it looks like it’s probably the Duke of Edinburgh. – Milton Jones

4. A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, “Yes, of course. That’s 20 cows.” – Jake Lambert

5. A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it. – Ross Smith

6. Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It’s the reason I get up in the morning. – Ross Smith

7. I accidentally booked myself on to an escapology course; I’m really struggling to get out of it. – Adele Cliff

8. After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging. – Richard Pulsford

9. To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian. – Mark Simmons

10. I’ve got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad’s contacts. – Ivo Graham

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Trav Le Bleu

Trav Le Bleu

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Buce said:

10 funniest jokes of the 2019 fringe

1. I keep randomly shouting out “Broccoli” and “Cauliflower”. I think I might have Florets. – Olaf Falafel

2. Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy. – Richard Stott

3. What’s driving Brexit? From here it looks like it’s probably the Duke of Edinburgh. – Milton Jones

4. A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, “Yes, of course. That’s 20 cows.” – Jake Lambert

5. A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it. – Ross Smith

6. Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It’s the reason I get up in the morning. – Ross Smith

7. I accidentally booked myself on to an escapology course; I’m really struggling to get out of it. – Adele Cliff

8. After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging. – Richard Pulsford

9. To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian. – Mark Simmons

10. I’ve got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad’s contacts. – Ivo Graham

:huh: extremely poor this year.

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Wortho

Wortho

Posted
Posted

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion .... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit in Kent"

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