The joke thread

[ozleicester]

 

What’s it called when a chameleon can’t change its colors anymore?
A reptile dysfunction!

 

Edited 3 August 2019 by ozleicester

[Beliall]

[Parafox]

6 hours ago, ozleicester said:

 

What’s it called when a chameleon can’t change its colors anymore?
A reptile dysfunction!

 

My Chameleon went stiff a few days ago. Viagra didn't turn it blue. 

 

It's functioning well, though.

[Parafox]

1 hour ago, Beliall said:

Elsewhere on this thread (I can't find it, but I remember it), goes something like, "how do you know someone is Vegan? They'll tell you"

[Beliall]

17 minutes ago, Parafox said:

Elsewhere on this thread (I can't find it, but I remember it), goes something like, "how do you know someone is Vegan? They'll tell you"

I'm sure izzy will be along soon to quote it for you

[ozleicester]

7 hours ago, Parafox said:

My Chameleon went stiff a few days ago. Viagra didn't turn it blue. 

 

It's functioning well, though.

A "Chameleon"....Ive never heard it called that before

[Beliall]

[ozleicester]

My grandfather died because the report said he had Type-A blood

 

 

 

 

Unfortunately it was a Type-O

[Wortho]

When I added a bit of ginger to my lamb curry the kids went mad, they loved that cat

[Wortho]

Bloke went into a pet shop to buy 12 bees. The assistant counted out 13 and handed them over to the customer. 
"But; I only wanted 12", he said. 
"That's okay", the assistant replied, "the thirteenth one is a freebie".

[Parafox]

9 hours ago, Wortho said:

Bloke went into a pet shop to buy 12 bees. The assistant counted out 13 and handed them over to the customer. 
"But; I only wanted 12", he said. 
"That's okay", the assistant replied, "the thirteenth one is a freebie".

[Trav Le Bleu]

You know hedgehogs... why can't they share their hedges?

[Tielemans63]

I've just bought one of those super-realistic sex dolls.

 

It's so realistic it just wants to be friends.

[Carl the Llama]

Stolen from a Reddit comment section:

 

An old Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey.  He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: 

 

"Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa"

 

......A few days later, he received a letter from his son:

 

"Dear Papa, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie"

 

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

 

"Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you, Vinnie"

[Wortho]

Ten years ago today my mate Dave the Roofer passed away. I know he's up there looking down at me

[Wortho]

What do you call a Chinese woman with a food processor on her head?
Brenda

[Bob Weasel Fox]

On our 50th wedding anniversary my wife said,

"Come on, I want you to do what you did on our wedding day. "

"I'd love to my dear, " I replied, " but I think that bridesmaid died last year. "

[Wortho]

Apparently the Arctic Monkeys have sold a carpet to the current Real Madrid manager.

I bet that sure looks good on Zidane’s floor.

[Wortho]

A shop assistant tried stopping an armed robber by attacking him with a labeling gun.

 

Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head.

[Buce]

So, I got pulled over by the police earlier. “Excuse me, sir”, he said, “but we rescued a lady claiming to be your wife who says she fell out of the car a few miles back”. 

“Thank God!”, I cried, “I thought I’d gone deaf!”

 

[Aus Fox]

After hearing Jonathan Moss has opened a new vinyl record shop in Leeds this week I thought I’d pop in.

Hey Jon, I said.

What Have you got by the doors?

he quickly replied a rubbish bin and a fire extinguisher.

[Aus Fox]

I thought it was really sad when a friend of mine was run over by a steam train, but, apparently he was chuffed to bits.

[Wortho]

Tumble driers are so last century. 

I dry all my washing online.

[Wortho]

I was walking down the street minding my own business when someone threw a lump of cheese and a bottle of milk at me.
How very dairy!

[ozleicester]

I saw a short statured person wearing a t-shirt with the slogan "I hate black people" on it...

 

I thought to myself...

 

 

 

"that's a little racist"