Worst you've ever needed to use the toilet?

[FoxesAreBlue]

All your best stories are about disgusting things !

Yours is funny too Adam!

thanks I suppose! Why which other one were you thinking of - the time a gym member shit in the showers?

Thinking about it a bloke came down to my office the other day, saying that someone had thrown up in the corner of the gym, I looked him dead in the face and said "it was you wasn't it?".

I was right - to be fair to him, he did offer to clean it himself if I got him a mop. He didn't need to ask twice, cheers pal.

[OzFox]

I was moving house from Sydney to Brisbane. The last thing left in the fridge was a family size bag of prunes, so I threw them on the passenger seat of the car and started tucking in as I headed north. Got to the outskirts of a town called Tamworth and realised my stomach was gurgling like a washing machine. Barely made it into town and dashed into the local McDonalds, found the only toilet cubicle was occupied, dashed out again, took the wrong exit door and found myself trapped in the children' s playground. Looked around in a panic and spied the Country Music Hall of Fame across the road. Brushed past the kids, jumped the playground fence and tore across the road and into the building. Quickly realised the turnstiles were between me and the toilets, took one look at the size of the queue and vaulted the turnstile past a startled woman in the kiosk. Made it with seconds to spare.

 

Moral of the story is, prunes will really clean you out.

[Guest Col city fan]

I recall the day when one of my mates whipped his John Thomas out and started to piss in SK1.

We'd been drinking in the 'Angel' (now closed down) before the game, forgot the time and had rushed out the boozer and to the game.

That day, the Pen was heaving.. And my mate could not get through the masses to use the loo, right up at the back of the terrace. So he basically stood about half way down and had a slash!

Everyone moved as much as they could and I'm amazed no-one punched him.

[RonnieTodger]

I had a shit in a nightclub in Magaluf. Instead of offering me aftershave, the freshen up guy sprayed glade in the cubicle.

[macca]

By CHRIS MUSSON Scottish Home Affairs Editor

Published: 31st July 2014

POLICE chiefs stand accused of pushing cops to “breaking point” on Games duty — as it was claimed some officers are working mammoth 14-hour shifts without breaks.

Whistleblowers said they were aware that two of their stressed colleagues wet and messed themselves when they were denied time off to use the toilet.

Others are said to have gone without food or water during day-long patrols. Last night, Scottish Police Federation leaders confirmed they were investigating and had raised a list of complaints with Chief Constable Sir Stephen House’s senior team. One of the complaints related to reports that two officers had "accidents" whilst in uniform.

One source said: "A WPC had to resort to using some bushes as a toilet whilst patrolling a perimeter fence on a 12-hour shift after being denied a comfort break and we know of a young male officer who found the wait for relief unbearable and wet himself in the middle of the busy Buchanan Street.

"Another officer, who was suffering from a stomach upset, soiled himself after being repeatedly denied access to a portable toilet as he did not have the correct accreditation pass. He had been denied a break — despite asking five times.”

Another insider said dozens of officers destined for Glasgow were left standing for hours at a park-and-ride point on the edge of Dunfermline after a transport blunder. The source described cops as “dangerously tired, overworked and demoralised”. They added: “It’s only a matter of time before one falls asleep travelling to or from work. Bosses are claiming the security operation is a success — but they have a workforce ready to drop and running very close to one of us being killed due to driving tired. The police operation is a dangerous joke and officers are at breaking point.”

Sources said one cop was made to work a Games shift lasting 20 hours. Federation chairman Brian Docherty stressed officers were doing a “fantastic job” despite facing a string of problems. He confirmed that some have complained about the conditions but insisted force chiefs were “doing their best” to sort out the situation.

Former top cop Graeme Pearson — now an MSP and Labour’s justice spokesman — said he has been sent emails containing anonymous allegations and had asked the senders for more details. A Police Scotland spokeswoman said they had looked into claims about an officer wetting himself and had not yet been able to identify the constable said to be involved. She was adamant police teams do have access to water.

[Grandad.]

Carl Froch fight, was in the queue for drinks as they were shutting the bar, I was desperate for a wee but didn't want to leave the bird I was with on her own around a load of lads in Wembley stadium bar, so stayed with her, brought a shit load of drink cost me £45 for enough drink to keep us going until the end of the fight. I was drinking Turbo Shandies, worked out like £10 a pop. Still needing a piss, I walked her back to the seat with all the drinks and then went toilet, had my Turbo with me, the queue to get in the Gents was 50 deep to the door, no chance could I wait in that so I just ran in the ladies, told the few that were in there that I was desperate.. Had to rest my drink on the bogroll dispenser, had a long wee, had the shake and then did my jeans up, turning round I knocked my drink off. I was gutted. 

 

Kasabian - that was my first gig, so I wasn't used to all the piss throwing stuff and didn't want to be anywhere near all that rubbish.. I was off my nut and this is one of the last things I can remember about the day.. I needed a piss big time, I could feel about to start coming and the big countdown was on the screen, 33 seconds until Kasabian came out. I looked behind me and I knew I wasn't making it to the toilet and back in time before they came out, so being absolutely smashed I decided to whip my shorts down and piss infront of everyone around me and who I was with. All the lads took photos which I can't remember seeing them do and the next morning I was mortified on the Whatsapp group when I seen myself.  

 

That's the only two piss stories I have and they both happened within two weeks of each other. 

[Bettsj2]

A few years back I worked at a place called Quad Studios in town. It was the old Richard Roberts factory. Anyway I arrived one morning with the absolute need to take a shit. The boss hadnt arrived and I didnt have a key. I went round the back to the old abandoned dye house and lay down hoping the urge would go but it didnt. It got much worse.

I had no choice at this point as i'd texted the boss and he was still half an hour away. I found a secluded corner, dropped the trousers, squatted down and let it rip. Unfortunately it was quite a bad spray and loads of it went down the back of my trousers.

I then had to walk through town covered in shit to TKMaxx find a pair of combats, queue up, buy them then change into them in their changing rooms before dumping my shit stained trousers in a haymarket bin.

The worst thing about it was for some reason, that morning on that route to town, there were an absolute horde of fit birds milling about and pretty much every single one smelt me coming and looked on in disgust as I trundled past with shit all over me and a real mincing shuffle as I hadnt been able to wipe my arse and there was some real dampness.

Not a good morning at all really.

[Buce]

Woke up with serious diarrhoea while trekking in the Pyrenees. The nearest toilet was many miles away, so I spent the entire day squatting behind rocks or bushes. The smell was unimaginable in the 30° heat, and I pity the poor sods who followed me up that trail.

[Rob1742]

My mate got ill in town and needed to get a taxi back.

He managed to make the journey, but as soon as he handed over his tenner to the driver, he took his trousers down and had a crap on his driveway.

I often think what the driver must have thought as he pulled away, watching his customer turn one out.

[Rob1742]

I was ill one Tuesday evening, serious shits and throwing up which made me bed ridden for two days.

On theThursday night I managed to down some soup to build me up, with the hope of being okay to work on the following morning.

Friday morning came around and I was just monitoring my situation, laying in bed when an area manager of the company I worked for rang me not knowing I had been ill.

He was droning on and on and all I could think about was my churning guts, hoping I would be okay for the day ahead.

About 20 minutes of him going on and on I thought it would be best to try and do my first proper fart for two and a half days, to see how it went.

I didn't fart, I shit the bed, really badly as the area manager continued to drone on.

I then said "sorry Chris, I must go, I have just shit the bed" and he kindly just said "okay, see you soon" as if it was a normal occurrence.

When I saw him next he never asked me about it and I often wonder what he thought. He just passed it off as if many people who have spoken to him on the phone have suddenly just crapped themselves

[Rob1742]

I have got loads of stories here. Here are two more.

1. My nephew has a weak stomach and only needs to look at a burger van or a kebab shop and he will shit himself. The problem came when he became a milkman and got caught short on his rounds. Obviously milkmen will have a few places they will know about should they get caught short, but he was new to the round and didn't have any places he could call on. He got so desperate once that he litteraly got off his float and delivered it on a street corner, of a very busy junction right in the middle of rush hour. The only thing he had to save his embarresment, was the cover his float afforded him. However, this only covered off half the traffic, with the rest of it coming the other way having seeing a milkman curling one out on a very busy street corner.

2. This one had me crying when it happened. We were in The Bell pub garden in Wigston one Saturday lunchtime. My mate told me he needed a crap, turned around and instead of heading towards the toilet, he started to climb the very large tree that dominated the very centre of the pub garden. Then without further fuss, took his trousers down and dropped a couple of turds from a great height in full view of everyone present.

The turds made a great splat sound as they hit the deck and everyone looked round to see this chap shitting from a good 25 foot height.

He just climbed back down the tree, took his beer off me and carried on chatting as if nothing happened.

Everyone saw it, but nobody said anything, unreal.

[Samilktray]

That second story never happened. I'm not having it.

[Buzzell]

Last year when I went to Reading Festival with a few mates, got into the centre of the crowd to watch Disclosure. Got there extra early to get a good spot. 10 minutes passed and I was gagging for a slash. We was absolutely crammed in so I looked back and there was thousands of people behind me.

So I did what needed to be done. Downed my beer, pulled out my pisser and drained the main vein in my beer cup.

Out came Disclosure, piss everywhere.

[m4DD0gg]

Many years ago i lived in York and was headed back from Sainsburys on foot with both hands carrying shopping bags, it was a good mile walk from my flat through a fairly residential area so no chance of a pub or public toilet to use.

 

Anyhow i was nursing a mild hangover and suddenly needed a shit, at least 15 minutes from home i started to feel a little concerned but had both hands full with bags.

 

As i started to walk slower and slower clasping my ass cheeks together i thought i was safe until i saw someone over the road i knew, this sent me into a blind panic and slowly but surely i bobbed my slacks.

 

Fortunately the person i knew just waved and carried on walking where as for me i had to walk the rest of the journey, bags in tow and a mess in my briefs.

 

Hence to say i had to throw my boxers and jeans in the bin upon return home.

[Rob1742]

That second story never happened. I'm not having it.

It did honest. I haven't an imagination to make that up.

Another milkman story, but different milkman. My mate used to do the Wigston area and got caught short on Willow Park Drive. Went in one of the back gardens and had a dump in one of his customers dustbins about 6.00am in the morning when he thought the coast was clear. On the Friday he knocked on the door to get the milk money and the lady said "here is your money, but please can you refrain from going to the toilet in my dustbin in the future"

She must have heard a noise and looked out the bedroom window

[Ozwin]

I damn near **** myself once. Was sitting at the bus stop after work at like 10.15pm, I'd just finished some chips from the local takeaway as I was starving. Then all of a sudden I had an absolutely uncontrollable urge to take a ****. I live about 10 minute walk from the bus stop so I walked as fast as I could but the urge was strong with this one young jedi. I sped up, quicker and quicker until I felt like, with every step, the most vile pool of filth would come shooting down my leg. It was easily the most uncomfortable thing I've ever experienced. Anyway about half way home I, for which in hindsight was a terrible idea decided to run home as I was genuinely convinced if I didn't hurry up I would have to live with the fact I'd **** myself for the rest of my life. This basically made everything worse, to the point where I'm convinced if I'd took another pace it would have been game over and the world would come falling out of my arse in front of some old dear's bungalow. Anyway, I stopped, a quarter of the way to go and I walked like a penguin praying to the poo gods to let me off, just this one time.

 

The poo gods came through.

 

Bliss. Absolute bliss. From absolute agony to damn near hysteria in a matter of 10 minutes. Praise the [poo] Lord.

[Buzzell]

Another one from me.

About 5 years ago, at work, re-wiring Clive Platt's house (Ex Coventry and Colchester striker) He was having a full re-vamp in the house.

Well one day the plumber took out the toilets without warning anyone. I brewed my shit for a good couple of hours but I got to the point where I needed to go. With me and my work colleague being the only ones on site, went into one of the empty bedrooms, emptied my lunch bag (Tesco plaggy bag) cushioned it with some tissue, pulled down my kegs and did the biggest shit I've ever produced. It was so long, like a baby's arm. Managed to get it out without cutting it in half with my cheeks.

Anyhow carrying the piss filled, fully stacked shit sack, I took it outside into Platt's back yard and placed it on top of his completely full dustbin.

[ScouseFox]

didn't rob1742 ruin the dog thread saying they were horrible animals and they shit everywhere? was he actually talking about himself and his friends? 

[Vardinhio]

It did honest. I haven't an imagination to make that up.

Another milkman story, but different milkman. My mate used to do the Wigston area and got caught short on Willow Park Drive. Went in one of the back gardens and had a dump in one of his customers dustbins about 6.00am in the morning when he thought the coast was clear. On the Friday he knocked on the door to get the milk money and the lady said "here is your money, but please can you refrain from going to the toilet in my dustbin in the future"

She must have heard a noise and looked out the bedroom window

 

Sorry I'm not having it that he climbed a tree in a beer garden, pulled his pants down and shit like a blackbird.

[ScouseFox]

yeah it obviously didn't happen and if it did, this is the worst you've ever needed the toilet thread, that story belongs here http://www.foxestalk.co.uk/forums/topic/52908-absolute-cvnts-of-our-time-ptmxxvi/

[Samilktray]

What a disgusting animal Rob is.

[Lestoh]

Washington, DC. School trip.

We were on the most pointless bus tour, and I was gagging for a piss. I was wearing beige chinos and as the seconds went by I became increasing convinced they were about to become a much darker shade.

We finally get off the bus and the group starts heading in a general direction. Not knowing where we were actually going, I decided my need to empty my bladder outweighed the risk of getting lost among the thousands of other tourists, so I hobbled ahead.

I eventually located a signpost indicating toilets and went straight for it. I wound up in a big stone building, not having a clue or even caring what it actually was, and continued to hobble to a lift in said building, which promised toilets above.

I found them, had the most beautiful piss of my existence on this Earth, and returned to the ground floor. At this point, I realised I was stood in front of the iconic monument that is the Abraham Lincoln memorial.

Some claim Lincoln to have been the greatest of US presidents for his various good deeds, but he really outdid himself this time.

[Rob1742]

What a disgusting animal Rob is.

How rude of you. It wasn't me, it was people I used to hang around with. My misdemeanour has only been to crap the bed once, oh and drop a log on the bonnet of my mates triumph herald.

You know what the thread is about, if you don't like it, move to another thread

[Buzzell]

Working at a council unit this morning and needed to drop the kids off at the pool. Realised there wasn't any bog roll on site.

Thank god I had an emergency backup toilet roll in the van.

[Strokes]

How rude of you. It wasn't me, it was people I used to hang around with. My misdemeanour has only been to crap the bed once, oh and drop a log on the bonnet of my mates triumph herald.

You know what the thread is about, if you don't like it, move to another thread

Thats fúcking gross.

Im pretty sure you said dog owners house stink, i cant imagine guests love it at your crap palace to be honest.