macca Posted 3 February 2009 Share Posted 3 February 2009 Saw this on another footie forum and it provoked a whole host of really funny stories... any contributions from here? "Came home from the pub last night and on the bus I was so desperate for a wee I seriously thought I was going to lose it in my jeans. At one stage I was in so much discomfort and had to go so badly I actually contemplated whether to wet myself. I was rocking back and forth wondering whether I could get away with the embarrassment. Fortunately, I somehow managed to hang on until I got off (just!) and so didn't have to make the decision. Today, looking back - I can't believe that I was truly thinking about p*ssing my pants!! Has anyone else ever had to go so bad that you've almost been prepared to pee yourself?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bert Posted 3 February 2009 Share Posted 3 February 2009 I was once at a point where I wasn't considering it, it was a case of not being able to hold it in any more that it would just trickle out. Was on a mates 18th, and he had a limo, with champagne etc. We drank it all quite quick, and even stopped off to get some more. Anyway, as the limo ride went on, I felt myself really needing a slash. We were just approaching town, the limo driver says, "where do you want dropping off? We said "Varsity" (We meant the one near the McDonalds) so he says no problem. As we get closer toward town, we're nearing what I think is destination, but no, he decides to take us to the on London Road. This was an extra three minutes and I was in severe pain and all I could think about was "I'm gonna piss myself here" When we finally got there, I bolted in, up the stairs, was so desperate I just wanted any toilet. Needless to say the women in the toilets weren't impressed. So I got out as quickly as i could, still needing a piss. Then the moment finally came, and I got to release the goods. It was the best piss ever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The People's Hero Posted 3 February 2009 Share Posted 3 February 2009 It was on the train somewhere between Victoria and Thornton Heath. I was with a bunch of people off here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StanSP Posted 3 February 2009 Share Posted 3 February 2009 Probably on my 18th last December After a good night of drinking/clubbing, really needed to go and we were just about to go get some food. Ended up doing it outside a shop window on the ground. Luckily there was no spray so i wasn't that embarrassed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purpleronnie Posted 3 February 2009 Share Posted 3 February 2009 I pissed in the back of a car once (into a lucozade bottle). I did it without my mate who was the driver finding out, it was a red hot day must have been 10 years ago anyway we pulled over for a break (we were driving to skeggy) and I offered him a drink of my lucozade he accepted and was just about to take a sip when I stopped him, I just couldnt let him do it. Funny at the time though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jonno24 Posted 3 February 2009 Share Posted 3 February 2009 mine was only the other week me and a few mates went derby for a mates 21st we got a minibus to derby after about 5 pints in wetherspoons and the driver was the slowest driver on the planetso we were all quite desperate for a piss. Got to derby all ran in Cayote ugly and lo and behold theres a que for the gents what ensued can only be described as a melee of men rugby tackling each other for room at the urinal the noises coming from that restroom must of sounded like a gay pon film going on Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monk Posted 3 February 2009 Share Posted 3 February 2009 I pissed in the back of a car once (into a lucozade bottle). I did it without my mate who was the driver finding out, it was a red hot day must have been 10 years ago anyway we pulled over for a break (we were driving to skeggy) and I offered him a drink of my lucozade he accepted and was just about to take a sip when I stopped him, I just couldnt let him do it. Funny at the time though. Might have been fooled a bit more if you'd been drinking berocca beforehand! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purpleronnie Posted 3 February 2009 Share Posted 3 February 2009 Might have been fooled a bit more if you'd been drinking berocca beforehand! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bellend Sebastian Posted 3 February 2009 Share Posted 3 February 2009 I came perilously close to shitting myself when out running the other day - my tip to would be runners is always go for a dump first as it doesn't half loosen your bowels. The closest I've come to it was when I went out for a curry and the next morning went into town shopping early doors, without taking a precautionary crap. By the time I got to Castle Park on my way home I couldn't walk normally and how I managed to walk another half a mile without ruining my trousers I've no idea. It's probably the most frightened I've ever been Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raj Posted 3 February 2009 Share Posted 3 February 2009 Im forever shittiing my pants. My Mrs has to get 2 lots of nappies nowadays! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeeCovFox Posted 3 February 2009 Share Posted 3 February 2009 My worst experience along these lines was back when I was 22 in the KFC in Leicester. It wasn't a case of being desperate, rather a case of being caught by surprise. I was sat upstairs, happily eating my Zinger Tower, when I thought I'd release a little fart. All was well, until I got up to throw away my litter. At this point I felt the unmistakable sensation of liquid running down my leg. Pungent, shitty liquid. I got to the toilet as quickly as possible, and to my eternal shame, after cleaning myself up, 'hid' my dirty boxers behind the toilet. I feel for the poor sod who discovered them when cleaning the bogs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miquel The Work Geordie Posted 3 February 2009 Share Posted 3 February 2009 Coming home from Bradford. What a non-event that day was. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corky Posted 3 February 2009 Share Posted 3 February 2009 I can't remember what match it was, but I was bursting and I went in the ladies (the mens were full) Ah I remember, it was Southend away in 2006/2007. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shrenchel Posted 3 February 2009 Share Posted 3 February 2009 I once laid out an absolutely horrific diarrhea huffle puffle is some Bosnian geezer's garden, having been caught short by some brutal eastern bloc food poisoning. He came out and was watching but didn't even say anything. Which is quite sound of him but a bit worrying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fosse Boy Posted 3 February 2009 Share Posted 3 February 2009 I pissed in an empty pint cup during Metallica at Leeds last year. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sparky Posted 3 February 2009 Share Posted 3 February 2009 Rugby world cup semi final 07 England vs France , was watching it in Walkabout in the corner just to the right of the big screen . Was busting for a piss but the place was was wall to wall people , tried to budge my way through but to no avail so the lads covered me and i pissed in a pint glass and put it under the table !! There were women around us as well who just looked on as if its a usual occurance . Felt guilty for the poor person finding that on the sunday morning Not my finest hour i must say Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andyh1884 Posted 3 February 2009 Share Posted 3 February 2009 I came perilously close to shitting myself when out running the other day - my tip to would be runners is always go for a dump first as it doesn't half loosen your bowels. I've had a few narrow escapes with this problem myself. Had to pause in some bushes by the side of the road on one occasion. My worst experience of needing a slash was after a night out in Budapest when, through no fault of my own, I ended up spending the night in a police cell with 6 mates & a local tramp. Having been on the sauce all day, I'd broken the seal some time earlier & was frequently visiting the gents. This became a problem once I'd been incarcerated & I was faced with the dilemma of how to relieve my aching bladder. I had three choices - ask the rather aggressive & frankly barbaric policemen if they'd kindly let me out for a quick trip to the loo, wet myself & fit in with our local vagrant or find a nice quiet corner of the cell to relieve myself. After much consideration of options 2 & 3 (option 1 was a total non-starter - I'd seen my mates introduced to the local constabulary's truncheon department for attempting to discuss the situation eariler) I decided to wait till everyone was alseep, slip off to one corner of our delighful 10ft x 10ft accommodation & hope no-one noticed the puddle. Upon emptying my now bursting bladder, I noticed that the cell floor appeared to have been designed with my problem in mind - my trail of steaming piss was weaving it's way towards a small drain in the middle of the cell. In it's path was one of my friend's head, more specifically his hair. In the words of Magnus Magnusson, I'd started so I'd finish. No-one seemed to have noticed so I found a space on the floor & went off to sleep. The next morning the guards came in, saw the remnants of my piss-stream & brought in a mop & bucket - handing it to the lad who'd, unbeknown to him, already mopped up some of the mess eariler in the night. He didn't really see the funny side when I told him about it later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Finnegan Posted 3 February 2009 Share Posted 3 February 2009 At every god damn festival: "Oh fook oh fook oh fook where's the bog roll? *Sprint sprint sprint* Oh fook not that one, ew not that one, ew not that one, OH GOD YES." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lillehamring Posted 3 February 2009 Share Posted 3 February 2009 i used to work in a pub in aldgate and we'd have many beers during the night and afterwards, and then get a taxi home, we used to have to drop some one off in kensington someone in ealing and me in richmond... some of the most painful and worrying journeys of my life (though cruising down an empty chelsea embankment at 3am is very special). i have also had to get off tube trains and surface to pee, before catching another train to finish my journey. though my best tube one was from the city to south ealing and i puked just between my destination and the one before it, and of course got off leaving the tube full of sick - ha ha! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Head Honcho Posted 3 February 2009 Share Posted 3 February 2009 In the middle of a police escort from Ninian Park to Cardiff Central. Surrounded by coppers so no chance of sneaking down an alley and escort travelling at a snails pace Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
turkish14 Posted 3 February 2009 Share Posted 3 February 2009 Ive got so many stories of pissing and bowel issues,which is literally a pain in the arse. My best story was during work (i visit many different houses on a daily basis) i was at 1 house that was being refurbed and really needed a shite. This is such a common occurence that im now so quick at dropping my kegs unleashing the fury, wiping up and getting back to the custumer without them knowing ive just used there toilet for a shite. Anyway i said to the custumer can i use his toilet for a piss (even though i really needed a shite) the relief i felt after it left my anus was quickly diminished when i tried to flush the chain and realised it didnt work. As i walked back downstairs the embarrasment on my face was clear for all to see.. I still feel shame to this day Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Samilktray Posted 3 February 2009 Share Posted 3 February 2009 I made yellow snow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lamby Posted 3 February 2009 Share Posted 3 February 2009 I've held it in for 8 hours once cos I couldnt find a toilet anywhere, I did actually piss myself a bit to release the pressure. Once I needed a really big dump but I was on the train and I was literally rocking backwards and forwards trying not to crap myself, then I managed to find a toilet on the station and it literally exploded out my arse, then I found out there wasnt any toilet roll Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AoWW Posted 3 February 2009 Share Posted 3 February 2009 I can't remember what match it was, but I was bursting and I went in the ladies (the mens were full) Ah I remember, it was Southend away in 2006/2007. Blimey, and you got out alive?!!! At every god damn festival:"Oh fook oh fook oh fook where's the bog roll? *Sprint sprint sprint* Oh fook not that one, ew not that one, ew not that one, OH GOD YES." Yep, agree with that one. Festivals really aren't good in that respect. My worst experience was several years ago when a mate and I got stuck in a traffic jam on the M1. The road was closed - all the traffic was stationary - and had been for the last 6 hours. The police had given up on trying to turn people round to go back to the previous exit and we were all just stuck there. It was a boiling hot day and we were relieved we'd got several bottles of drink with us. Which was fine... for several hours. But I got more and more desperate for a piss. Men have it easy in this respect, I reckon. Had I been a bloke I'd have gone in a bottle - I considered the logistics of this but soon came to the conclusion it wasn't viable. Increasingly uncomfortable it became obvious that even if the traffic started moving straight away I was never gonna make it to the nearest service station. So, out of the car I get and I clamber up what has to be the most open, exposed, highest embankment along any stretch of the motorway, before having to clamber over the fence at the top to gain some privacy. On my return back down the embankment I got a round of applause and a crescendo of beeping horns from the assembled truckers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Durnerz Posted 3 February 2009 Share Posted 3 February 2009 I think Forest away (In the cup that got abandoned) ranks highly. We'd stopped at my mates pub for a meet up and then were heading in cars to the Asda in West Bridgeford to the other pub there and after consuming a few jars I thought I could get away with not having a Johnny Cash before we left......wrong! By the time we hit the traffic on the outskirts of West Bridgeford I was at panic stations ready to blow, imagine my horror when my mate said he knew a 'short cut' that added about 5 minutes on to the journey (which is a long time when you're holding onto a piss) soon as he pulled the handbrake on I was off like a shot to the pub toilets, I think you could have heard my relief in Newcastle! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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