The Blur Posted 4 March 2010 Share Posted 4 March 2010 Absolute. Waste. That was down to the lack of the experience! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jonthefox Posted 4 March 2010 Share Posted 4 March 2010 I held a piss in from alexandria to cairo on a very crowded bus once. When i finally found a bog to took about 5 solid minutes to get it all out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fatmando Posted 4 March 2010 Share Posted 4 March 2010 I went to Amsterdam once with a few mates. We'd been to the Heineken brewery, museum place earlier in the day and then visited some hash museum on the walk back to 'our local' (closest pub to the hotel). In the hash museum we were offered to do this hash thing which had a bottle in a bucket of water filled with smoke, we was all very, very wasted. Anyway, back at the local the drinks were very expensive, like 5 euros for a tiny bottle or something stupid and we were all running out of cash quite quick, one my more cockier mates kept drinking everybody drinks when they went for a piss, including necking one of mine. I decided revenge was in order and quickly drank my new one and filled it up with piss in the toilet while my mate went downstairs in the smoking area. The cocky twat was so wasted he drank the whole fooking lot!! He then proceeded to puke up all over the bar and bar staff!! fooking hell it was funny!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vacamion Posted 4 March 2010 Share Posted 4 March 2010 I would like to apologise to those I offended for taking a dump, aged twelve, in someone's back garden on the way to school. I couldn't wait. I used my French exercise book as paper. I was caught just as I'd finished wiping by a neighbour who shouted "Oi" and chased me up the street, as I hoisted my trousers back up. The remains of that log could still be seen seven months later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmericanScott Posted 4 March 2010 Share Posted 4 March 2010 I went to Amsterdam once with a few mates. We'd been to the Heineken brewery, museum place earlier in the day and then visited some hash museum on the walk back to 'our local' (closest pub to the hotel). In the hash museum we were offered to do this hash thing which had a bottle in a bucket of water filled with smoke, we was all very, very wasted. Anyway, back at the local the drinks were very expensive, like 5 euros for a tiny bottle or something stupid and we were all running out of cash quite quick, one my more cockier mates kept drinking everybody drinks when they went for a piss, including necking one of mine. I decided revenge was in order and quickly drank my new one and filled it up with piss in the toilet while my mate went downstairs in the smoking area. The cocky twat was so wasted he drank the whole fooking lot!! He then proceeded to puke up all over the bar and bar staff!! fooking hell it was funny!!! Gravity Bong To be 16 again... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
macca Posted 1 August 2010 Author Share Posted 1 August 2010 ...bump... Darren Ferguson (Man Utd) !!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikeyT Posted 1 August 2010 Share Posted 1 August 2010 Actually coming back from a City game a few years ago. Traffic was unreal and was bursting, i was the driver as well. Stopped at the garage near Leicester College only to find it locked and the pub near it closed so went to the back of the pub near Abbey Park and peed at the back of there. Thought i would never finish. Went on forever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mee Posted 2 August 2010 Share Posted 2 August 2010 Walking down Snowdon in Wales. Half way down i see a cafe thing. No toilets. So I walked the whole way down with a turtle ready to hatch. One of the worst days of my life. Another was when I was in year 3 I think. It was 5 mins till the end of the day and I really needed a poo. And I just let it go. About a minuite later, everyone kept saying , 'ew what's that smell', so I joined in with then to try and sound cool. Then the bell went and we could finally go....and to my horror my mum said 'what's that smell?!'. So I burst out in tears and shouted 'Ive pood myself !!'. Was glad that day was over. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Mee-9 Posted 2 August 2010 Share Posted 2 August 2010 Walking down Snowdon in Wales. Half way down i see a cafe thing. No toilets. So I walked the whole way down with a turtle ready to hatch. One of the worst days of my life. Another was when I was in year 3 I think. It was 5 mins till the end of the day and I really needed a poo. And I just let it go. About a minuite later, everyone kept saying , 'ew what's that smell', so I joined in with then to try and sound cool. Then the bell went and we could finally go....and to my horror my mum said 'what's that smell?!'. So I burst out in tears and shouted 'Ive pood myself !!'. Was glad that day was over. Remember both of them vividly bro The song we made going down snowdon about how much you needed a shit And the fact mum had a go at me, as I was about crying with laughter at the second Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smallpauldj Posted 2 August 2010 Share Posted 2 August 2010 im a courier for a living so have this prob on to many occasions and its usually after i have drank relentless or red bull. best one was on the way to deliver at celtics ground, wasnt to far away and needed fuel anyway so thought id wait til the last services before i get off the motorway. about 7 miles before the services the matrix comes on then i come to a grinding halt, it turned out a lorry full of cattle had gone over so we wasn't moving for a while, i tried to wait but just couldn't no more so used the empty can of relentless sweating incase i cut my right hands best friend. the can was placed on the road next to my van afterwards Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FoxyPV Posted 3 August 2010 Share Posted 3 August 2010 Another was when I was in year 3 I think. It was 5 mins till the end of the day and I really needed a poo. And I just let it go. About a minuite later, everyone kept saying , 'ew what's that smell', so I joined in with then to try and sound cool. Then the bell went and we could finally go....and to my horror my mum said 'what's that smell?!'. So I burst out in tears and shouted 'Ive pood myself !!'. Was glad that day was over. On the way back from the Ulster Club final in 2003 in Clones (2 1/2 hour drive from Belfast) on a bus with no toilet and of course we had been drinking heavily all day, so when the bus driver refused to stop for piss breaks, some difficulties arose. We ended up having to piss back into the beer bottles and 3L of cider that we had been drinking and of course managed to piss all over ourselves and the bus, being completed fucked by this stage. By the time we got back to Belfast nearly every single bloke had piss stains on his trousers and the back of the bus was swimming in piss. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
macca Posted 25 August 2010 Author Share Posted 25 August 2010 Nothing like a spectacular "double-accident", is there?! "Here's the story I mentioned earlier about a copper at Old Trafford. It was a few years back now, can't remember the season but it was a match against Coventry City - my brother-in-law works for the GMP and has told this more than a few times. The story goes that on the day of the match, one young copper from Salford who was assigned to be on duty at the ground arrived at work 'the-morning-after-a-night-on-the-beer-and-curry', no doubt finished off by a tasty vindaloo or phall. He arrived at work next morning plagued with a bad case of the shits but on feeling better during the day, opted to stay and carry out his duty - a decision he no doubt later rued because on the way to the ground in the van the ruby hit back with a vengeance and he arrived there with those familiar gripping stomach spasms and hot sweats. However, neither time nor luck was on his side and the coppers were straight into the pre-matching briefing with the matchday stewards. The unfortunate plod was forced to sit through a tortuous thirty minute session alongside his sniggering mates and bemused stewards before the briefing finally ended with him not so much as 'touching-cloth' but more so with that awful 'pants-sticking-clammily-to-the-arse' feeling and the 'have-I-or-haven't-I?' question pounding in his head. And, even worse, all that straining to hold on had increased his need to piss to that of the proverbial racehorse. The briefing over, he tore off at the speed of light in the direction of the nearest bog, urged on by his hugely-unsympathetic colleagues, arriving at the lavatorial facility ... to find a single urinal and a solitary trap - engaged!! With the situation at crisis-point, he received directions to the nearest "proper" toilet facility, which was out of the front of the stand, briefly along pitchside and into one of the first aid facilities in the adjacent stand - and he hared off at such speed, that was the last his colleagues saw of him... ...the last that day for sure, because one unfortunate copper never made matchday duty. Instead he was returned to his nick after the uncontrollable eruption took place in his standard police-issue grundies, as he was in mid-flight, pitchside in his very own theatre of unforgettable dreams!! Poor plod was despatched back with the soggiest, stinkiest uniform trousers in the history of the Greater Manchester Police - and not just the rear end either!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miquel The Work Geordie Posted 10 September 2010 Share Posted 10 September 2010 Leaked for a good two minutes solid the other day after a few drinks. Wasn't even forcing it, just kept coming out. That fence was drenched by the time I'd put the old boy away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wymsey Posted 10 September 2010 Share Posted 10 September 2010 When I was in the middle of doing a class speech at school. I wondered why my classmates was looking at me in an awkward way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cambridgefox Posted 10 September 2010 Share Posted 10 September 2010 I went to Spain years ago,and on the day Beckham got that last minute freekick against Greece.me and my mate got rendered as you would.Now the other halves met us to go for a thai meal.now being pissed and stupid,i gave it the "hottest curry you can do" to the waiter.we were walking home and i thought i need a shit.2mins later i really needed a shit.i said to the others i have to rush back.the stairs to the hotel,honestly,i was walking like C3PO.We had a swipe card for the hotel room,ok i was pissed,tried swiping my credit card instead,relaxed too soon and shit myself! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LOYAL_FOX Posted 8 May 2014 Share Posted 8 May 2014 There must be some stories for this one! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cambridgefox Posted 8 May 2014 Share Posted 8 May 2014 I went to Spain years ago,and on the day Beckham got that last minute freekick against Greece.me and my mate got rendered as you would.Now the other halves met us to go for a thai meal.now being pissed and stupid,i gave it the "hottest curry you can do" to the waiter.we were walking home and i thought i needed a shit.2mins later i really needed a shit.i said to the others i have to rush back.up the stairs at the hotel,honestly I was walking like C3PO.We had a swipe card for the hotel room,ok i was pissed,tried swiping my credit card instead,relaxed too soon and shit myself! There must be some stories for this one!Funny you should mention this.my mate mentioned this the other week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kitchandro Posted 8 May 2014 Share Posted 8 May 2014 great thread. Holiday in Florida with my family. All 4 of us desperately needed a piss on the way back to the hotel, the journey lasted forever. We had to get up several flights of stairs to get to our room as well, o there's all 4 of us hobbling up them like we'd all been near fatally shot; it would have been quite a funny sight for any onlookers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leicesterpool Posted 8 May 2014 Share Posted 8 May 2014 I remember not so long ago when I was at college in Coventry i was on the bus on the way home, i really had a bad stomach. I physical felt really sick and on the verge of vomiting also felt quite hot and this bus ride was normally 70 minutes long! I was that bad at one point, i was considering getting of the bus finding a toilet somewhere or whatever and getting the next bus home! But in the end i remained on the bus, but soon as i got of at my stop two seconds vomited behind a tree! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LOYAL_FOX Posted 8 May 2014 Share Posted 8 May 2014 Mine has to be Preston away when we made the play-offs, worst experience of my life - but best wee of my life! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AdamN Posted 8 May 2014 Share Posted 8 May 2014 On a training exercise in the RAF, I was wearing one of these little numbers (minus the gloves and mask): Mother nature called rather too suddenly for my liking, so I had to ask permission to leave. Precious seconds that could have helped in the long run... Anyway, they had portaloos on hand, but we weren't allowed to leave our equipment outside while you did your business, so I had to cram myself into it, along with everything else that I was carrying, including the rifle in the above picture. Now, the CBRN suit is designed to protect you in the event of chemical warfare, so if you think they're fitted with flies then you're much mistaken, and in fact if you want to get the trousers off, you need to first open up your jacket and then untie the knot you've tied in the strings that hold them up on your shoulders (which act as some kind of shitty braces). I was already desperate before this little ordeal, so by the time I'd taken off my rifle, undone my jacket, untied my trouser strings and got the trousers down, I was in a state of emergency. The problem then is that you're now simply down to a state of normal dress, so I still had a big fuck off jacket shielding my crotch - the removal of which took up the time that you'd usually dedicate to unzipping your flies in a civilised manner... At this point, my bladder decided that the removal of the jacket was sufficient signal for the all clear, so by the time I'd managed to whip it out I was very much already in full flow, and the transition of the stream from my pants to the toilet wasn't exactly a graceful one. Suffice to say that, with the ridiculous nature of the clothes I was wearing, changing my pants in any sort of swift fashion was not really an option (especially as I would have had to come up with some reason as to why I'd have to go back to the tent - "I pissed myself" wasn't a confession I was about to indulge to my corporal), so for the rest of the day, I had to slog around some shitty fields in the arsehole of Oxfordshire with damp bollocks, probably subjecting the poor sod behind me to the sweet smell of farmyard activity while I was at it. I never remember what I did with the pants. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sphericalfox Posted 9 May 2014 Share Posted 9 May 2014 I'm sure it's been posted in here somewhere... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beliall Posted 9 May 2014 Share Posted 9 May 2014 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FoxesAreBlue Posted 9 May 2014 Share Posted 9 May 2014 Not needi g the toilet but a similar situation. About two years ago I worked for a sales company who rewarded our sales targets with weekly Friday night piss ups like the ones in Wolf of Wall Street. Once after finishing early at about 11am and aggressively drinking through the night on the company card, I found myself sleeping on the back seat of my car which was parked close to Viccy Park. It was about 1pm on Saturday afternoon an the outside temperature was 30 degrees. My car, parked in full view of the sun was about 245 degrees. After opening my eyes, swiftly followed by the door and falling out onto the pavement I decided that the drive back home was not a good idea. The lack of food, and excess heat and alcohol made me feel as rough as a badgers arsehole. I got on he Bus which was also an oven and it's about a 45 minute journey home where I lived back then. Out in the sticks over pretty shitty roads. Also, as is my luck - the ****ing thing is stopping at every random stop. I feel the sweats come on, you know the ones, you know that st some point in the near future you are going to be "laughing at the floor" it's just a matter of when. When turned out to be just before the penultimate stop from home. Where overnight the council had inexplicably erected some roadworks, a contra flow, and the longest red light known to man in history. I'm lying on the back seat, work bag as a pillow and I heave. The two tidy looking girls 1/2 way up he bus haven noticed (oh yeah, there's some tooth in this epic story too). The just creeps through the contra flow and the two girls ring the bell to get off, I heave again. Bigger this time and I can barely hold it in. The two blissfully ignorant beauties get off and go down the stairs - Now I see their faces I recognise one as the bird my step brother currently is sliding into. I wave. She can't know the turmoil I'm in otherwise the sole family will know before I'm even home. As soon as her face disappears - I'm done, the back seat is awash with my chundra and smells like - quite literally - the arse end of a bus. I am appalled at myself and very ashamed, I can't believe what I've done and think I should have just driven and saved myself all the grief. I ponder whet to do, I'm approaching the penultimate stop, I realise that the damage is done and there's nothing that I can do - but I do know that the smell of my rapidly cooking puke is rancid and I can feel the second wave on its way. It's a longer walk home but I ring the bell for the penultimate stop. Put on my best angry customer face and say to the driver. "Cheers mate, not sure if you know but there's a terrible smell up there". I jump off and the smug feeling of my clever cover story rapidly disappears as, before he drives off, wave two hits and I throw up onthe corner ofthe bus stop. I don't dare turn around to see the drivers reaction as he does pull away. Probably no one of admiration. Edit: god knows where the girls went but I didn't get away with it. Apologies for poor grammar. On my tiny phone Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stadt Posted 9 May 2014 Share Posted 9 May 2014 All your best stories are about disgusting things ! Yours is funny too Adam! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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