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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Trav Le Bleu

Trav Le Bleu

Posted
Posted

I've just had reassurance from my boss that my job is secure. I just told him a joke and he said, "don't give up the day job," which was nice.

  • Like 1
  • 3 weeks later...
Parafox

Parafox

Posted
Posted (edited)
11 hours ago, Beliall said:

 

 

Me. Absolutely me. Especially if you add that he also forgot his bank card.

 

(As Mrs Para has just pointed out)

Edited by Parafox
  • Like 1
Clever Fox

Clever Fox

Posted
Posted

A nun and a Priest were crossing the Desert on a Donkey when the Donkey keeled over and died.

 

That's it the Priest said we're screwed, You know we're going to die here. We'll last 2 days at most the Nun said.

 

Well said the Priest,  Can I ask you something, Anything the Nun said, I've never seen a Womans breasts can I see yours before we die.

 

The Nun opens her top and exposes hereself, They are lovely said the Priest, Can I touch them. Ok said the Nun.

 

After fondling them for a while the Nun gets excited and said Father I've never seen a  Mans Penis, Can I see yours.

 

Ok, said the Priest as he undid his Trousers,  It looks nice can I touch it. Sure what harm can it do now we're done for said the Priest.

 

After a while the Priest Penis gets rock hard in the Nuns Hand. You know Sister this is capable of giving new life.

 

Is it said the Nun,  Well then shove it up that Donkey's Ass and let's get the hell out of here.

  • Haha 2
Clever Fox

Clever Fox

Posted
Posted

A woman walks into the Chemist and asks the Pharmacist for some Poison.

 

I want to Kill my Husband, But I want to make it look like he died from natural causes.

 

I can't do that said the Pharmacist,  I also have to report you to the Police.

 

But he's been cheating on me with another Woman.

 

The woman took out a Photo of them making love in her Bed.

 

The Pharmacist recognised the Woman in the Photo as his Wife,

 

Oh,  I'm very sorry Mam ,  I didn't realise you had a Prescription.

Parafox

Parafox

Posted
Posted
8 hours ago, Clever Fox said:

A woman walks into the Chemist and asks the Pharmacist for some Poison.

 

I want to Kill my Husband, But I want to make it look like he died from natural causes.

 

I can't do that said the Pharmacist,  I also have to report you to the Police.

 

But he's been cheating on me with another Woman.

 

The woman took out a Photo of them making love in her Bed.

 

The Pharmacist recognised the Woman in the Photo as his Wife,

 

Oh,  I'm very sorry Mam ,  I didn't realise you had a Prescription.

 

:blink:

Wymsey

Wymsey

Posted
Posted
8 hours ago, Clever Fox said:

A woman walks into the Chemist and asks the Pharmacist for some Poison.

 

I want to Kill my Husband, But I want to make it look like he died from natural causes.

 

I can't do that said the Pharmacist,  I also have to report you to the Police.

 

But he's been cheating on me with another Woman.

 

The woman took out a Photo of them making love in her Bed.

 

The Pharmacist recognised the Woman in the Photo as his Wife,

 

Oh,  I'm very sorry Mam ,  I didn't realise you had a Prescription.

Might send this to my Stepfather (who used to own a Pharmacy business)..

  • Like 1
Clever Fox

Clever Fox

Posted
Posted

A Blonde walking her dogs when a man coming towards her says, What a beautiful pair of Dogs.

 

What is their names, The Taller one is called Timex and the other is called Rolex.

 

The Man surprised said , How interesting, Why did you give them such names.

 

The Blonde sighs shaking her head in disgust. Everyone asks me that question.

 

Duhh,  What else would you name 2 Watch Dogs.

  • Sad 1
Parafox

Parafox

Posted
Posted
8 hours ago, Clever Fox said:

A Blonde walking her dogs when a man coming towards her says, What a beautiful pair of Dogs.

 

What is their names, The Taller one is called Timex and the other is called Rolex.

 

The Man surprised said , How interesting, Why did you give them such names.

 

The Blonde sighs shaking her head in disgust. Everyone asks me that question.

 

Duhh,  What else would you name 2 Watch Dogs.

 

:tumbleweed:

  • Like 1
  • Haha 2
  • 4 weeks later...
davieG

davieG

Posted
Posted

Just pooped up on my FB page . I know it's been posted before but it's my favourite 

 

May be an image of 2 people and text that says "VINTAGEL LONDON VINTAGELONDON VINTAGELONDONFRAMES FRAMES "They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now." -Bob Mankhouse"

  • Like 1
Nick

Nick

Posted
Posted
3 minutes ago, davieG said:

Just pooped up on my FB page . I know it's been posted before but it's my favourite 

 

May be an image of 2 people and text that says "VINTAGEL LONDON VINTAGELONDON VINTAGELONDONFRAMES FRAMES "They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now." -Bob Mankhouse"

Mankhouse?

 

  • Haha 3
davieG

davieG

Posted
Posted
4 minutes ago, Nick said:

Mankhouse?

 

I said it was funny.

Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, davieG said:

Just pooped up on my FB page . I know it's been posted before but it's my favourite 

 

May be an image of 2 people and text that says "VINTAGEL LONDON VINTAGELONDON VINTAGELONDONFRAMES FRAMES "They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now." -Bob Mankhouse"

My hero. I occasionally watch his final performance in 2003 before his death. Still had the magic and the best timing of any comedian IMO.

 

 

  • Like 4
davieG

davieG

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Nick said:

Mankhouse?

 

You didn't spot my error thenlol

Trav Le Bleu

Trav Le Bleu

Posted
Posted

California Dreamin has been remixed and re-released.

 

 

All the leaves are black (all the leaves are black)


And the sky is black (and the sky is black)


I've not been for a walk (I've not been for a walk)


On a winter's day (on a winter's day)


I'd be in danger and warm (I'd be in danger and warm)


If I was in L.A. (if I was in L.A.)

  • 3 weeks later...
  • Popular Post
Tinman

Tinman

Posted
  • Popular Post
Posted

Sad news. I broke up with my girlfriend Lorraine because I was seeing another girl named Claire Lee. But the good news is that I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone

  • Like 1
  • Haha 4
  • 2 weeks later...
Tinman

Tinman

Posted
Posted

I just found out my local Turkish barbers has been charged with money laundering and drug dealing. I have been a customer for many years, I had no idea they were a barber.

  • 2 weeks later...
  • 3 weeks later...
The Quick Brown Fox

The Quick Brown Fox

Posted
Posted
18 hours ago, Thequickbrownfox said:

The fifth Rambo film "Last Blood" was released in 2019. It should have been called "Rambo Number 5."

I had to think about how much I drank last night, I had no recollection of posting this.

  • Haha 1
davieG

davieG

Posted
Posted
An elderly couple entered a McDonald's and sat next to a table where some young people were having dinner.
The old man walked over and made the order for himself.
He unwrapped the burger, cut it in half and put one half next to his wife. Carefully he counted all the fries and did the same.
He dipped 2 straws in the soda and put it between himself and his wife.
The old woman began to eat her half of the burger, while people stared at her compassionately.
A young man approached them and offered to buy them another portion of food.
The old woman replied not to bother, as they were used to sharing everything.
People realized that the old man had not eaten, he only watched as his wife ate.
The young man approached them and repeated his offer.
This time it was the old man, who explained that no, they were used to sharing everything.
The young man then asked the old man,
And what are you waiting for then?
THE
TEETH!!!
  • Haha 4

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