The joke thread

[Trav Le Bleu]

You can't beat, "the bowler's Holding; the batsman's Willey."

[dsr-burnley]

How could you possibly leave out "The bowler's Holding, the batman's Willey".

 

[edit - I hadn't realised there was another page and Trav le Bleu beat me to it by a mere 13 hours!]

Edited 21 October 2025 by dsr-burnley

[Spudulike]

There was another cricket one involving players .... Rice bowls and Paddy fields.

 

I think the players were Clive Rice and Paddy Clift.

[TiffToff88]

15 hours ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

You can't beat, "the bowler's Holding; the batsman's Willey."

 

1 hour ago, dsr-burnley said:

How could you possibly leave out "The bowler's Holding, the batman's Willey".

 

[edit - I hadn't realised there was another page and Trav le Bleu beat me to it by a mere 13 hours!]

Mandela effect. I think it was disproven as a myth and the phrase was never actually ever mentioned on commentary

Edited 21 October 2025 by TiffToff88

[Spudulike]

53 minutes ago, TiffToff88 said:

 

Mandela effect. I think it was disproven as a myth and the phrase was never actually ever mentioned on commentary

Bit like the Captain Pugwash thing.

[Trav Le Bleu]

1 hour ago, TiffToff88 said:

 

Mandela effect. I think it was disproven as a myth and the phrase was never actually ever mentioned on commentary

Dang, seems so possible given that they almost certainly faced each other.

 

You'll be telling me that, "As he comes around the corner Juantorena opens his legs and shows his class!" is apocryphal too.

[ClaphamFox]

Probably an old one but I only heard it the other day so am sharing here.

 

A man walks into a doctor's to receive some test results. The doctor says, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news and some even worse news." Crestfallen, the man slumps in his seat and says, "Ok, so what's the bad news?"

 

"You've got cancer," the doctor replies.

 

The man takes a few moments to take this in, but then composes himself and asks, "So what's the worse news?" The doctor replies, "You also have Alzheimer's." 

The man groans and holds his head in his hands. "Oh God that's terrible," he says. Then, suddenly brightening up, he adds: "But hey—at least I don't have cancer!"

Edited 21 October 2025 by ClaphamFox

[Parafox]

5 hours ago, ClaphamFox said:

Probably an old one but I only heard it the other day so am sharing here.

 

A man walks into a doctor's to receive some test results. The doctor says, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news and some even worse news." Crestfallen, the man slumps in his seat and says, "Ok, so what's the bad news?"

 

"You've got cancer," the doctor replies.

 

The man takes a few moments to take this in, but then composes himself and asks, "So what's the worse news?" The doctor replies, "You also have Alzheimer's." 

The man groans and holds his head in his hands. "Oh God that's terrible," he says. Then, suddenly brightening up, he adds: "But hey—at least I don't have cancer!"

 

Not really a "joke" is it?

Edited 21 October 2025 by Parafox

[The Bear]

It's also about 40 years old. 

[worthosoriginals]

2 hours ago, Parafox said:

 

Not really a "joke" is it?

Oh dear oh dear

[Trav Le Bleu]

5 hours ago, Parafox said:

 

Not really a "joke" is it?

It's mortuary humour. Laughing in the face of something terrible. Sometimes people cope by turning a distressing situation into a joke.

 

I get what you're saying though. A public forum isn't the right place, you need to know the audience.

[Parafox]

17 hours ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

It's mortuary humour. Laughing in the face of something terrible. Sometimes people cope by turning a distressing situation into a joke.

 

I get what you're saying though. A public forum isn't the right place, you need to know the audience.

 

We used black humour when I was working and it was a way of coping after a difficult job and was also used more generally to alleviate stress among those that work in the emergency services and A&E and other critical areas,. When the crisis is over the sense of relief often comes out as dark humour. It's always "in house" though, because no-one else would understand. Also it's important to say that the dark humour didn't involve the casualty, more about the circumstances and the things service workers (and bystanders) did or said.

 

Maybe this joke is apocryphal after an experience.

Edited 22 October 2025 by Parafox

[blabyboy]

On 21/10/2025 at 12:44, TiffToff88 said:

 

Mandela effect. I think it was disproven as a myth and the phrase was never actually ever mentioned on commentary

 

A nice denouement at the end though!

[Tiny earl]

On 21/10/2025 at 14:37, Trav Le Bleu said:

Dang, seems so possible given that they almost certainly faced each other.

 

You'll be telling me that, "As he comes around the corner Juantorena opens his legs and shows his class!" is apocryphal too.

Yes, he said “bend”

[Trav Le Bleu]

2 hours ago, Tiny earl said:

Yes, he said “bend”

Running tracks should be oblong, much more challenging.

[davieG]

Have I Got News For You  ·

The remaining countries taking part in Eurovision face a stark moral choice: withdrawing in a stand against Israel’s government or staying to prevent the UK from winning Eurovision

[Trav Le Bleu]

Just heard an ad on the radio.

 

"Change your life by adopting a donkey."

 

My life was changed when Leicester adopted several.

[Trav Le Bleu]

Some people say I'm condescending.

 

Then again, some people say potato and I say solanum tuberosum.

[The Bear]

6 hours ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

Some people say I'm condescending.

 

Then again, some people say potato and I say solanum tuberosum.

Waitrose cracker? 

[Likely Fox]

Is it just me or is dry January dragging on a bit?

[Trav Le Bleu]

Just been sacked from my new job in the MI6 post room.

 

All I did was say, "I've got a letter for Q."

[davieG]

Not so much a joke as a look at life.

[Trav Le Bleu]

21 hours ago, davieG said:

Not so much a joke as a look at life.

Not so good if you're a woman who's had several children

[Aus Fox]

Went in to a German Beer garden for lunch, ordered two beers and a sausage.

It’s been half an hour and the beers have only just come out.

I’m afraid the wurst is yet to come.

[The Bear]

This joke never fails to make me chuckle.

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

A duck walked into a pub and ordered a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. 

 

The barman looked at him and said, “Hang on! You're a duck!”

 

"I see your eyes are working,” replied the duck.

 

"And you can talk!!” exclaimed the barman.

 

"I see your ears are working, too.” said the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

 

"Certainly. Sorry about that.” said the barman as he pulled the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many a ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

 

"I'm working on the building site across the road” explained the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

 

The flabbergasted barman couldn’t believe the duck and wanted to learn more but took the hint when the duck pulled a newspaper from his bag and proceeded to read it. 

 

The duck read his paper, drank his beer, ate his sandwich, paid up, bid the barman a good day and left.

 

The same thing happened every few days for two weeks.

 

Then one day the circus came to town. 

 

The ringmaster walked into the pub for a pint and the barman said, "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

 

"Sounds marvelous!” said the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

 

The next day when the duck came into the pub the barman said, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

 

“Swell. I’m always looking for the next job.” said the duck. "Where is it?”

 

"At the circus.” said the barman.

 

"The circus?" repeated the duck.

 

"That's right.” replied the barman.

 

"The circus?” the duck asked again. 

“With the big tent?”

 

"Yeah.” the barman replied.

 

"With all the animals that live in cages and performers who live in caravans?" asked the duck.

 

"Of course,” the barman replied.

 

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persisted the duck.

 

"That's right.” said the barman.

 

The duck shook his head in amazement, and said “What the fvck would they want with a plasterer?”