The joke thread

[Alf Bentley]

7 minutes ago, Buce said:

Yep.

 

I got it about 10 seconds after posting - a Doh! moment, I'm afraid.

 

.....and you got the rep point!

 

I am not appreciated and hereby officially throw a prima donna hissy fit! 

 

p.s. Now we need a new facility to give a rep point to a rep point!!

Edited 18 August 2016 by Alf Bentley

[Buce]

2 minutes ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

.....and you got the rep point!

 

I am not appreciated and hereby officially throw a prima donna hissy fit! 

 Yeah, I've just seen it.

 

Maybe @Separator will amend it?

[separator]

1 minute ago, Buce said:

 Yeah, I've just seen it.

 

Maybe @Separator will amend it?

Nope. Made me laugh. Plus I can't speak german so that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it. 

[Buce]

My missus told me I was a fool to build a car out of spaghetti.

 

You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta..

[Alf Bentley]

3 minutes ago, separator said:

Nope. Made me laugh. Plus I can't speak german so that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it. 

 

Quite right! There's more to life than rep points.

 

Let's get back to the jokes.

 

Did you hear the one about the Englishman, the Irishman and the Scotsman?

 

No, me neither. A loud train was going by and drowned it out.

[Buce]

A Grizzly bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a Scotch and.......................................................water, please".

 

"Sure thing", the barman replies, "but why the bid pause.."

[Buce]

I met a girl today who claimed she knew me from the Vegan Society, but I'm sure I've never met herbivore.

Edited 18 August 2016 by Buce

[separator]

What do you call a woman who sets fire to her credit card bills?

 

Bernadette

[Jimothy]

44 minutes ago, Buce said:

My missus told me I was a fool to build a car out of spaghetti.

 

You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta..

 

I built a car out of Welsh cheese.

 

I had to drive it Caerphilly.

[Smudge]

On August 18, 2016 at 14:05, Webbo said:

Crikey if I didn't post crap jokes I'd only have 4 posts.

You, me ole mucker, was supposed to read that and delete!

 

Get modermerating Webbingtons!! 

[bovril]

How many Freudian psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb?

 

Two. One to change the light bulb, the other to hold the Mum..ladder. I meant ladder. Hold the ladder.

 

[Smudge]

On August 18, 2016 at 14:05, Webbo said:

Crikey if I didn't post crap jokes I'd only have 4 posts.

Ok here's the joke.

 

A guy was found floating next to his upturned yacht in the Atlantic, the waters were freezing and he was near death when this liner spotted him not far from the English Coast

 

The man, wrapped in blankets and supping hot tea, when the captain walked into the ship's hospital room and said "You are the luckiest man alive"

Oh no I'm not, He retorted. "My wife has left me and run off with my best friend. They took the children and my dog. The house was in her name and all I owned was that small boat. Now I have nothing!" He sobbed.

 

Well never mind you're safe now and you can start anew in America.

 

At that he cheered up and said, thank you Captain err?

 

"Smith".  The captain replied. "Master of RMS Titanic!!!

 

Edited 19 August 2016 by Smudge

[Buce]

1 hour ago, bovril said:

How many Freudian psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb?

 

Two. One to change the light bulb, the other to hold the Mum..ladder. I meant ladder. Hold the ladder.

 

Or, how many psychotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?

 

Just the one - but the light bulb has to really want to change..

 

[bovril]

6 minutes ago, Buce said:

Or, how many psychotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?

 

Just the one - but the light bulb has to really want to change..

 

How many EFL teachers does it take to ________ a light bulb?

Edited 19 August 2016 by bovril

[Buce]

2 minutes ago, bovril said:

How many EFL teachers does it take to ________ a light bulb?

How many hippies does it take etc.

 

Two. One to change the bulb, the other to share the experience, maaaan..

[Countryfox]

26 minutes ago, Buce said:

How many hippies does it take etc.

 

Two. One to change the bulb, the other to share the experience, maaaan..

 

Blah blah ...   And how many Irishmen ?  

 

230.  One to hold the light bulb and 229 to turn the room around .

 

Boom boom ! ...   The old ones are the best !   

[Countryfox]

I'm not saying he was old but he still remembers when X Factor was a Roman sun cream.

[Smudge]

I was so unpopular as a child, my mother had to tie pork chop around my neck so that the dog would play with me.

 

[Countryfox]

The last time I was watching the London Marathon I saw one runner dressed as a chicken and one runner dressed as an egg ....    I thought :  This could be interesting.

[Countryfox]

Standing in the park I was wondering why a frisbee gets larger the nearer it gets ...     then it hit me.

[Izzy]

6 hours ago, Countryfox said:

The last time I was watching the London Marathon I saw one runner dressed as a chicken and one runner dressed as an egg ....    I thought :  This could be interesting.

I entered a Marathon once. Spent days afterwards picking the peanuts out of my foreskin. 

[Nalis]

1 hour ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I entered a Marathon once. Spent days afterwards picking the peanuts out of my foreskin. 

 No one under the age of 30 will get that

[Buce]

I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.

[separator]

My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia. 

 

He didn't actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.

[Smudge]

21 minutes ago, Buce said:

I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.

I was confused about me having an inferiority complex until I realized I was inferior.