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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Carl the Llama

Carl the Llama

Posted
Posted
9 hours ago, Captain... said:

 

Except it isn't,  the answer  to the riddle is "my son" not "me":

 

The proof:

 

http://puzzles.nigelcoldwell.co.uk/fifty.htm

 

I remember arguing this until I was blue in the face in a pub quiz (pre smart phone), for some reason a lot of people get it wrong.

 

7 hours ago, Parafox said:

Including you...

 

If you follow the diagram in your link it comes back to the man being himself.

Tbh it's a bit ambiguously worded:  When the taxi driver asks "who's that" it could be interpreted as talking about either the most recently mentioned person from the previous sentence (ie. the father of that man/the son of my father) or the person previously referred to as "that man".  If it's the former then the answer is the riddler, if it's the latter then the answer is his son.  Without any further clarification we'll have to assume you're both right.

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Countryfox

Countryfox

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Smudge said:

Q. If you have a little green ball in one hand and a little green ball in the other, what do you have?

 

A. The undivided attention of a little green gnome

Ok ok ...   but why have you got a green gnomes balls in your hand you god damn prevert !!

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Buce

Buce

Posted
Posted
21 hours ago, Countryfox said:

Like I've said before Bucey ...   you should definitely be on the stage !!   :)

 

 

So, Countryfox was down the pub with his continental mates, Pierre and Luigi. After a while, as continentals will, his friends began to boast about their sexual prowess.

"Last night", said Luigi, "I made love to my wife, and when I'd finished she moaned for an hour".

Not to be outdone, Pierre said, "Last night, I made love to my wife, and when I'd finished she moaned for two hours".

Countryfox downed the last of his pint, thought for a moment, then said: "Last night, I made love to Mrs Countryfox and she's been moaning all day".

His friends looked at him in disbelief: "How is that possible?", they cried in unison.

"Coz when I'd finished I couldn't find a tissue, so I wiped my dick on the bedroom curtains.."

 

 

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Smudge

Smudge

Posted
Posted (edited)

It's Luigi's sixteenth birthday.

His father says "Eh Luigi I godda nice present for ya"

"Whadya got me Pappa? Exclaims the boy, "Is it a silver watch?"

"No. Much bedda Luigi, I getta you a bootiful Berretta pistol"

"Gratsi Pappa" Mumbles the lad politely but not what he had hoped for.

 

Two days later the father sees the son walking across the yard at home and shouts "Hey Luigi comma here!"

Boy walks over and his father says. "Howaya do with Berretta Luigi? Plenty practice, banga banga ,shoot shoot eh?

No Pappa, I donna like I wanna nice silver watch"

The old man goes mad and slaps the kid upside the head.

 

"Listen you punk, some day you have da house, da wife, anna few bambinos.

One day, you come home early from work and when you walk in, you hear da bumpa bumpa, knocka knocka upstairs.

So you quietly climb the stairs and listen at the bedroom door. And then you know your wife's in bed with another man.

 

Ya kicka da door in, ya reach for the gun but you notta gotta one, so whadya gonna do?

Point at your watch and say. Eh how mucha longer you gonna be in here?"

 

Edited by Smudge
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fuchsntf

fuchsntf

Posted
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Posted

A blindman with a guide dog goes for the first time to the town square..

Takes his dog by the tail and starts whirling him around..

 

"What the hell are you doing"  asks a passer-by

The blindman replies...

"Nothing much, just looking around"..

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Countryfox

Countryfox

Posted
Posted

It was a rare, bright, sunny day in the Scottish Highlands, and John Smith was enjoying his holiday, exploring the beautiful landscape.

He paused for a moment, leaning against a stone wall and taking a long drink from his water bottle.

As he stood, there, taking in the scenery, an older gentleman in a wax jacket, with a border collie at his heel approached and wished him a good afternoon. John nodded a greeting and took another drink. "Beautiful day for it" he said. "Aye, that it is, that it is." the man replied. After a short silence, he spoke again. "Ya see this here wall, laddie?" John indicated that, yes, he could indeed see the very wall he was leaning on. "This wall, laddie, it stretches for five miles, right tae the border of the McAngus property. And I built the whole thing wi' me own bare hands. "But do they call me Hamish the wall builder? No, they dinnae." John wasn't sure how to respond to this, so he merely shrugged and said "I see". Hamish continued.

"You see the barn over yonder? I built that barn with me own two hands when the previous one was taken down in the great storm of '86. I built the previous one as well." "With your own bare hands?" interjected John. "Aye laddie, aye! Wi' me own bare hands. But do they call me Hamish the barn builder? Nae, laddie, they dinnae."

He pointed to the coast. "On a clear day such as this, ya ought to be able to see the wee jetty at the end of the road down there." John indicate that, yes, he could just about make out the jetty. "I built that jetty wi' me own two hands, and three others like it hereabouts. "But do they call me Hamish the jetty builder? Nae, they dinnae."

"The jetties, the barns. They was built wi' timber I cut my own self from the forest over yonder. I felled the trees, hauled them oot o' the forest, cut them intae planks. "But do they call me Hamish the tree feller?" "I don't suppose they do?" ventured John. "You'd suppose right laddie."

Hamish sighed a deep, mournful sigh.

"But ya shag one sheep..."

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Buce

Buce

Posted
Posted

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’

‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’

The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’

‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’

The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’


 

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Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted

"Hi there caller, you're through to Babestation. What's your name, sexy?"

"Michael, my name's Michael."

"Nice name. My stepdad's name is Michael."

"Yeah, I kn...err, rub your tits a bit more for me will ya please."

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