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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Wortho

Wortho

Posted
Posted

Man walks into a lingerie shop and asks for a see-thru negligee, size 48-50-56.
The shop assistant looks at him and asks "Why the **** would you wanna see through that?!"

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Wortho

Wortho

Posted
Posted

Ginger bloke goes to the docs about a rash on his b*llocks. The doc says "how often do you have sex?" He says "Once or twice a year!" The doc says "that's not a rash mate, its RUST".

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Izzy

Izzy

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A wealthy Arab Sheikh was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out. Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

 

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and £50,000 . A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.

 

He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ... but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates." To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I have Scottish blood in ma veins now".

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Izzy

Izzy

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"Has he been yet?, Has he been yet?, Has he been yet?" Every Christmas morning it was the same, we couldn't open our presents until Dad had been for a shit...

jonthefox

jonthefox

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

"Has he been yet?, Has he been yet?, Has he been yet?" Every Christmas morning it was the same, we couldn't open our presents until Dad had been for a shit...

Do you ever think that maybe this thread just isn't for you?

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Tuna

Tuna

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The wife has told me I’ve got shit for Brains.

 

That’s the last time I allow her to sell any of my Thunderbirds collectables on eBay.

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Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted
19 minutes ago, jonthefox said:

Do you ever think that maybe this thread just isn't for you?

Good one :thumbup:

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Buce

Buce

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Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned-cupped herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband, “Bruce! Bruce!” and he came running in.

“Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor,” she said.

“S’truth, Sheila!” Bruce said and tried to pull her up. “You’re stuck fast girl. I’ll go across the road and get me mate, Cobber”.

They came back and they both tried to pull her up from the floor.

“No way, we can’t do it!” Cobber said, “So let’s try Plan B.”

“Plan B?” exclaimed Bruce, “What’s that?”

“I’ll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her.” replied Cobber.

“Spot on.” Bruce said, “While you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her nipples.”

“Play with her nipples?” Cobber said, “Not exactly a good time for that mate!”

“No…” Bruce replied, “But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper!!!”

 

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Buce

Buce

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I was installing a new light bulb in the loft today, when I slipped off a joist and put my foot through the bedroom ceiling. Fvcking scared the shit out the wife.

 

Hardly surprising, really, she kicked me out last October.

 

Edited by Buce
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Buce

Buce

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My wife says she's leaving me because I'm superficial.

 

It's a shame coz she has great tits.

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Buce

Buce

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Posted

 

Labour have pledged to invest in Merseyside and create 100,000 jobs if they win the election.

 

The Conservatives now regard Liverpool as a safe seat.

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Izzy

Izzy

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A woman gets cheated on by her husband. Devastated, she doesn't know how to continue to live her life.

 

She heard that there's a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and decides to go there to consult him. After a few days of travelling, walking, climbing, she reaches the top and meets the wise monk.

 

"I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he left me for a younger woman. My life is stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I don't know what to do".

 

The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks: "Is the cookie delicious?" "Yes"- she answers. "Do you want another one?" "Sure, please" she replies.

 

The monk look her in the eyes and said "Do you see the problem now?"

 

The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speaks. "I guess human nature is greedy. You get one, then you want more, maybe a new one, a bigger one. It's never enough. And nothing lasts forever, anything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed by that".

 

The monk shakes his head "No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less."

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Buce

Buce

Posted
Posted

 

I never realised how realistic those 3D televisions are until I fell asleep watching Liverpool on Match of the Day.

 

When I awoke, my stereo had been nicked.

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Parafox

Parafox

Posted
Posted
17 hours ago, jonthefox said:

Do you ever think that maybe this thread just isn't for you?

I think he thinks it's entirely for him.

Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted
31 minutes ago, Parafox said:

I think he thinks it's entirely for him.

That’s a bit harsh :cry:

Fvck you very much mate 

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Buce

Buce

Posted
Posted
36 minutes ago, Parafox said:

I think he thinks it's entirely for him.

 

Envy is such an unattractive trait.

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davieG

davieG

Posted
Posted

Izzy's jokes are like the bride's wedding superstition rhyme - something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue

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Parafox

Parafox

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Parafox said:

I think he thinks it's entirely for him.

 

1 hour ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

That’s a bit harsh :cry:

Fvck you very much mate 

I forgot the emoji to take the sting off my (jocular) remark. Take your pick...  :P;):whistle:

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Buce

Buce

Posted
Posted

 

My nephew is over the moon. He's away to Nottingham to start an apprenticeship with Forest.

 

We've told everyone he's in prison for shagging a dog.

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Buce

Buce

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The wife is doing a social experiment where she has to wear a Forest top for a week.

So far she has been kicked, spat at, head-butted and even had a brick thrown at her head.
God knows what's going to happen when she leaves the house.

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