The joke thread

[Alf Bentley]

10 minutes ago, Wortho said:

I bumped into an old mate who I hadn't seen for years.
"What you doing now mate" I asked.
"I feed meals to the drop outs,down and outs,druggies,piss heads and the doleites" he said."So you working for a charity" I asked.
"No" he replied.
"I work for Wetherspoons".

 

If I make it to pension age, it's my ambition to become one of those drunk old men stewing in Wetherspoon's.

Though I might take time out to attend the occasional cricket match.

[Filbert_Ross]

The guy who stole my diary has died. 
My thoughts are with his family.

[BirminghamFox]

Police Report:

Police are concerned that the Villa fans will be taking flares to Wembley Stadium this weekend as that’s what they wore last time they were there

[Wortho]

You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools 

[Wortho]

Poor Glen Campbell....He was getting cards and letters from people he didn't even know.

[Wortho]

Knock knock

Who's there

Gestapo

Gestapo who

Ve vill ask the questions!!!!

[Wortho]

Brilliant news had my prostate examination today !!! Doctor gave me the thumbs up !!!

Edited 22 May 2018 by Wortho
spelling

[Aus Fox]

I was sat on the toilet this morning, when I got a call from the boss asking where I was?

I though to myself I haven't got time for this shit.

[Aus Fox]

Just started blindfolded archery, best thing I've ever done, if youve not tried it. You don't know what your missing.

[Aus Fox]

Just had a spider climb into my keyboard, don't panic though it's under ctrl.

[Bob Weasel Fox]

A teacher asks her pupils to give her a sentence with the word definitely ‘in it...
Little Mary said “when I go home I’ll definitely have chips for tea”
Miss shook her head and said “but Mary, you might not, so I can’t accept that.”

Little Johnny threw his hand up “miss, do farts have lumps in?”

“No johnny you dirty little boy “

“Well, I’ve definitely shit myself then”

[Vince Vega]

3 hours ago, Bob Weasel Fox said:

A teacher asks her pupils to give her a sentence with the word definitely ‘in it...
Little Mary said “when I go home I’ll definitely have chips for tea”
Miss shook her head and said “but Mary, you might not, so I can’t accept that.”

Little Johnny threw his hand up “miss, do farts have lumps in?”

“No johnny you dirty little boy “

“Well, I’ve definitely shit myself then”

I remember my dad telling me that joke 40 odd years ago!

[Bob Weasel Fox]

2 hours ago, Vince Vega said:

I remember my dad telling me that joke 40 odd years ago!

Lol the old ones are the best  

[Wortho]

Father and son in supermarket.
"Dad. what are these?"

"That's a 3 pack of condoms son for secondary school lads.

1 for friday night, 1 for saturday night and 1 for sunday night"

"What about the 6 pack dad?"

"Those are for university lads.

2 for friday night, 2 for saturday night and 2 for sunday night."

"Well dad. What about the 12 pack then?"

"Married men son. . . . 1 for january, 1 for february, 1 for march . . . .

[Wortho]

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got One in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his Nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The
Salary package is 200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!

[Wolfox]

Ring any bells????

 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=cza37D...ature=youtu.be

[fuchsntf]

52 minutes ago, Wortho said:

Father and son in supermarket.
"Dad. what are these?"

"That's a 3 pack of condoms son for secondary school lads.

1 for friday night, 1 for saturday night and 1 for sunday night"

"What about the 6 pack dad?"

"Those are for university lads.

2 for friday night, 2 for saturday night and 2 for sunday night."

"Well dad. What about the 12 pack then?"

"Married men son. . . . 1 for january, 1 for february, 1 for march . . . .

Whats a condom..??

 A condominium,is that What you need, If you dont Use a shortened version

[The Bear]

I've got a new job as the triangle player in a reggae band. I just stand at the back and ting. 

[Trav Le Bleu]

Izzy Muzzet has changed his name to Izzy Muzzet-Iceberg.

 

When I asked him why, he told me he always wanted lettuce after his name.

[Izzy]

I went into the Vauxhall dealership this afternoon and said to the salesman “I’m looking for an economical car for my wife”

 

He said “A little Corsa sir?”

 

So I replied “I want a fvcking economical motor for my missus you twat!”

[davieG]

I thought this was going to be a swap my wife for a car joke. 

[Tuna]

At Sainsbury checkout I was behind an old lady in the queue.

 

Her bill came to £51.60 but when she counted out her change she had just under £50.

 

She didn’t want me to help her, but I insisted, and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves.

[TiffToff88]

49 minutes ago, Tuna said:

At Sainsbury checkout I was behind an old lady in the queue.

 

Her bill came to £51.60 but when she counted out her change she had just under £50.

 

She didn’t want me to help her, but I insisted, and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves.

Why didn't she just put 1 item back?

 

I find that joke works best if she forgot her purse completely rather than being a tiny bit short on cash ?

[Buce]

1 hour ago, Tuna said:

At Sainsbury checkout I was behind an old lady in the queue.

 

Her bill came to £51.60 but when she counted out her change she had just under £50.

 

She didn’t want me to help her, but I insisted, and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves.

 

On 25/11/2017 at 11:48, kristianity77 said:

Good deed done for the day!  Was stood behind a frail old woman in Sainsburys earlier who had £63 worth of shopping but her card got declined at the till.  Being near Christmas and the season of good will and all that, I helped her put it all back.

 

It must be some kind of scam she's operating.

Edited 27 May 2018 by Buce

[Izzy]

I got caught shoplifting a leg of lamb from our local Tesco today.

 

The Security Guard stopped me by the door and asked "Excuse me, what do you think you're doing with that?" 

 

I said "Probably some new potatoes, peas, mint sauce and gravy I reckon"