The joke thread

[The Bear]

Gary Delaney (married to Sarah Millican) puts plenty of new jokes he's written on his Twitter feed. Get some off there. 

[Buce]

 

[Parafox]

8 hours ago, Beliall said:

yeah ii get that, but alot are repeats from 1 or  2 weeks ago

Those are people who have very short memories. Or dementia. 

[Izzy]

I tried that auto-erotic asphyxiation the other day. 

 

I climbed in the wardrobe stood on my tip toes,  tied a belt around my neck and fastened it on the top rail.

 

I was choking the chicken and then passed out.

 

All of a sudden there was a bright light and this bloke stood over me with a white beard.

 

I said “Are you saint Peter?” 

 

He said “No, I’m the IKEA store manager. Now **** off out”

[Parafox]

10 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I tried that auto-erotic asphyxiation the other day. 

 

I climbed in the wardrobe stood on my tip toes,  tied a belt around my neck and fastened it on the top rail.

 

I was choking the chicken and then passed out.

 

All of a sudden there was a bright light and this bloke stood over me with a white beard.

 

I said “Are you saint Peter?” 

 

He said “No, I’m the IKEA store manager. Now **** off out”

You doing self-assembly jokes now?

[Beliall]

2 minutes ago, Parafox said:

You doing self-assembly jokes now?

He puts most of his jokes together himself, thats why they fall apart so easily

[Parafox]

3 minutes ago, Beliall said:

He puts most of his jokes together himself, thats why they fall apart so easily

There's usually something missing.

[Beliall]

11 minutes ago, Parafox said:

There's usually something missing.

or a screw loose

[Aus Fox]

18 hours ago, Buce said:

 

I bet since she upgraded, she hasn't used the blow job app. That usually stops husband 1.0 from malfunctioning.

Edited 5 May 2018 by Aus Fox

[Domsdad]

I was walking through town when I saw a beggar sat in a doorway. He was singing 

"when I was young it seemed that life was so wonderful, a miracle, oh it was beautiful magical"

I said to him "Supertramp"

He said oh thanks very much

[Wortho]

I'll always remember my grandads dying words to this day. "What the f*** are you doing with that hammer".

[Wortho]

My neighbour came knocking on my door at 3 o'clock this morning.

Good job I was up playing my bagpipes!!!

Edited 8 May 2018 by Wortho
Missing word

[Raw Dykes]

When you used the disabled toilet, did you pull the string?

 

 

Or were you not on?

[Buce]

28 minutes ago, Wortho said:

My neighbour came knocking on my door at 3 o'clock this morning.

Good job I was playing up my bagpipes!!!

 

 

 

 

You edited it and it still reads wrong.

[cambridgefox]

11 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

 

You edited it and it still reads wrong.

He might be a dwarf 

[Buce]

5 minutes ago, cambridgefox said:

He might be a dwarf 

 

Can’t dwarves tell jokes? 

[Aus Fox]

9 minutes ago, cambridgefox said:

He might be a dwarf 

Don’t pick on the dwarf just because his sentence isn’t right. It’s not big and it’s not clever!

[cambridgefox]

1 minute ago, Aus Fox said:

Don’t pick on the dwarf just because his sentence isn’t right. It’s not big and it’s not clever!

How could I stoop so low.

[cambridgefox]

8 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

Can’t dwarves tell jokes? 

Only short ones

[Milo]

10 hours ago, cambridgefox said:

He might be a dwarf 

Unlikely - I hear there’s a dwarf shortage

[Ronish Baxter]

Tom and Anna are both 60 years old and have been married for 40 years.

One day they go for a walk and all of a sudden a good fairy stands in front of them and says, “You’ve been married for so long and you’re so cute together, I’ll grant you a wish each.”

The woman is beside herself with joy and wishes for a trip to Thailand. Poof – she’s holding two tickets to Thailand and a five star hotel voucher for two.
-
The man says, “Wow, that’s one chance in a lifetime! I’m sorry, darling, but I wish I had a wife that’s 30 years younger than me.”
-
“Are you sure?” asks the fairy.
-
“Yes!” replies Tom without hesitation.
-
Poof once more – and he’s 90.

[Wortho]

12 hours ago, Buce said:

 

 

You edited it and it still reads wrong.

It's not now!!

[Julian Joachim Jr Shabadoo]

On 06/05/2018 at 21:25, Wortho said:

I'll always remember my grandads dying words to this day. "What the f*** are you doing with that hammer".

Roy Walker did Celebrity Come Dine With Me a few years back and told a similar joke

"I'll never forget my mother's dying words..."

"....URRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNHHHH"

 

It was hilarious how he delivered it, but apparently got loads of complaints!

[Trav Le Bleu]

The manager at our local Ikea is retiring, so I sent him this cake...

 

[The Bear]