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Daggers

The joke thread

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I tried that auto-erotic asphyxiation the other day. 

 

I climbed in the wardrobe stood on my tip toes,  tied a belt around my neck and fastened it on the top rail.

 

I was choking the chicken and then passed out.

 

All of a sudden there was a bright light and this bloke stood over me with a white beard.

 

I said “Are you saint Peter?” 

 

He said “No, I’m the IKEA store manager. Now **** off out”

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10 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I tried that auto-erotic asphyxiation the other day. 

 

I climbed in the wardrobe stood on my tip toes,  tied a belt around my neck and fastened it on the top rail.

 

I was choking the chicken and then passed out.

 

All of a sudden there was a bright light and this bloke stood over me with a white beard.

 

I said “Are you saint Peter?” 

 

He said “No, I’m the IKEA store manager. Now **** off out”

You doing self-assembly jokes now?

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I was walking through town when I saw a beggar sat in a doorway. He was singing 

"when I was young it seemed that life was so wonderful, a miracle, oh it was beautiful magical"

I said to him "Supertramp"

He said oh thanks very much

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28 minutes ago, Wortho said:

My neighbour came knocking on my door at 3 o'clock this morning.

Good job I was playing up my bagpipes!!!

 
 

 

 

You edited it and it still reads wrong. lol

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Tom and Anna are both 60 years old and have been married for 40 years.

One day they go for a walk and all of a sudden a good fairy stands in front of them and says, “You’ve been married for so long and you’re so cute together, I’ll grant you a wish each.”

The woman is beside herself with joy and wishes for a trip to Thailand. Poof – she’s holding two tickets to Thailand and a five star hotel voucher for two.
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The man says, “Wow, that’s one chance in a lifetime! I’m sorry, darling, but I wish I had a wife that’s 30 years younger than me.”
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“Are you sure?” asks the fairy.
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“Yes!” replies Tom without hesitation.
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Poof once more – and he’s 90.

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On 06/05/2018 at 21:25, Wortho said:

I'll always remember my grandads dying words to this day. "What the f*** are you doing with that hammer".

Roy Walker did Celebrity Come Dine With Me a few years back and told a similar joke

"I'll never forget my mother's dying words..."

"....URRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNHHHH"

 

It was hilarious how he delivered it, but apparently got loads of complaints!

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