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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Izzy

Izzy

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An Irish daughter hadn't been home for over 5 years.

 

Upon her return, her father shouted at her; " Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write to us? Not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? Don't you know what you put me and your mother through??!!"

 

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff...Dad... I became a prostitute..."

 

"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! You little tramp! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family! I don't ever want to see you again!"

 

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a six bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £1 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy, the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)...and an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and...."

 

"Now what was it you said you had become?" said the Dad.

 

Girl crying again, "Sniff, sniff...a prostitute Dad!..Sniff, sniff"

 

"Oh, be Jaysus! - You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a Protestant!! Come here and give your old man a hug!"

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Izzy

Izzy

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A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started".

 

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished"?

 

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a Tiger".

 

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help. She shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a Tiger."

 

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax". "Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then.....he sighed, "Let's put all these Frosties back in the box".

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davieG

davieG

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Posted
11 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started".

 

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished"?

 

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a Tiger".

 

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help. She shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a Tiger."

 

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax". "Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then.....he sighed, "Let's put all these Frosties back in the box".

The blonde was Beckham calling Fergie a few years back.

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Milo

Milo

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3 hours ago, UpTheLeagueFox said:

I bought some binoculars off some bloke but I got ripped off.

 

I think he saw me coming.

I must've bought some velcro from the same guy...what a rip off

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Beliall

Beliall

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35 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

Virgin are installing a new tivo v6 Box in my house.

 

They say an engineer will call sometime between 9 am and 2019.

 

That not funny because its a fact. my installation was booked 3 months ago, still dont have it

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foxfanazer

foxfanazer

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Posted (edited)

I had my legs X-rayed today

 

the doctor said ‘your patella measures 2.54cm’

 

’inch high knees?’ I asked 

 

‘我不能跟隨美國籍太空人在’ he replied

Edited by foxfanazer
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Izzy

Izzy

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@Beliall came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

 

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" Demanded @Beliall, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?". The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

 

@Beliall was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".

 

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen" @Beliall was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought, until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

 

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

 

"It's not so bad" replies @Beliall, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".

 

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".

 

"Never" replies @Beliall

 

"Well just relax and let it happen"

 

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

 

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting. 

 

" @Beliall, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed!"

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Beliall

Beliall

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

@Beliall came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

 

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" Demanded @Beliall, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?". The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

 

@Beliall was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".

 

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen" @Beliall was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought, until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

 

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

 

"It's not so bad" replies @Beliall, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".

 

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".

 

"Never" replies @Beliall

 

"Well just relax and let it happen"

 

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

 

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting. 

 

" @Beliall, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed!"

Actually, this one time, I dreamed that I was eating this HUGE marshmallow, and when I woke up, my pillow was gone!

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DANGEROUS TIGER

DANGEROUS TIGER

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On ‎03‎/‎06‎/‎2018 at 22:24, Izzy Muzzett said:

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started".

 

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished"?

 

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a Tiger".

 

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help. She shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a Tiger."

 

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax". "Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then.....he sighed, "Let's put all these Frosties back in the box".

Oh yes, great uncle Tony. :rolleyes:

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