The joke thread

[HighPeakFox]

21 minutes ago, Izzy said:

Making only it's 5th appearance 

That is next level research...

[CheeseHead]

17 minutes ago, Izzy said:

 

 

 

 

Making only it's 5th appearance 

Brought back from the dead!

[MPH]

1 hour ago, CheeseHead said:

Brought back from the dead!

 

I could see it happening 

[CheeseHead]

6 hours ago, MPH said:

 

I could see it happening 

Clearly the case!

[Parafox]

I've found I'm having to tighten my belt more, now that I'm a heroin addict.

[The Bear]

I recently opened a company selling trampolines disguised as prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof.

[Parafox]

7 hours ago, The Bear said:

I recently opened a company selling trampolines disguised as prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof.

 

Do you get a bounce back depending on sales?

[Wolfox]

I'm going to France tomorrow for the world "Flicking A Ruler On The Edge Of A Desk" championships.

It's held annually in the Dordogne.

[Wolfox]

I'm selling my pet python on eBay and some bloke just rang up and asked, "Is it big?"
I said "It's huge."
He said "WOW! How many feet?"
I said "None, its a snake".

[Parafox]

I hear there's a film coming out about British prisoners being forced to build a railway bridge across a valley in Gloucestershire.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's called "The Bridge on the River Wye".

Edited 16 May 2024 by Parafox

[MPH]

On 15/05/2024 at 09:37, Wolfox said:

I'm selling my pet python on eBay and some bloke just rang up and asked, "Is it big?"
I said "It's huge."
He said "WOW! How many feet?"
I said "None, its a snake".

 

 

Chuffin Nora

[MPH]

Just brought a new 75inch TV from Amazon to watch the premier league next season. Opened the box and I’m absolutely disgusted because it’s got no Leeds in it.

[Izzy]

Knock
Knock
Knock Knock
Knock Knock Knock
Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock
Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock
 

Who's there?
 

Fibonacci

[Parafox]

3 minutes ago, Izzy said:

Knock
Knock
Knock Knock
Knock Knock Knock
Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock
Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock
 

Who's there?
 

Fibonacci

 

I'm gonna have to Google this...

 

 

 

3 mins later... 

 

Clever if you know, but still not funny. 

 

 

Edited 28 May 2024 by Parafox

[dsr-burnley]

Useful tip for anyone who wants to buy a toy nursery rhyme character and doesn't know which shop to go to. It's widely known that Lidl has almost cornered the market (Lidl Bo Peep, Lidl Miss Muffet, Lidl Jack Horner and so on) but for Humpty Dumpty, you should always go to Aldi. 

 

Why? Because there, he comes with Aldi king's horses and Aldi king's men. 

[LanguedocFox]

[isaidno]

 

[Wolfox]

Charles Dickens' A Tale of Two Cities was first published in two local newspapers. 

It was the Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.

[Parafox]

On 14/06/2024 at 10:27, Wolfox said:

Charles Dickens' A Tale of Two Cities was first published in two local newspapers. 

It was the Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.

 

I'll give you that one. 

[Izzy]

I'm seeing a therapist and told him I'm getting a gun because of my fear of birds.

 

He said "I think you might be getting carried away"

 

I said "Not without a fvcking fight I'm not"

[Parafox]

I opened a birthday card this morning and a load of rice fell out.

 

 

It was from Uncle Ben.

[Izzy]

30 minutes ago, Parafox said:

I opened a birthday card this morning and a load of rice fell out.

 

 

It was from Uncle Ben.

My doctor told me I'm allergic to rice.

 

Apparently I'm Basmatic

[Parafox]

I've just finished 7 marathons in 7 days.

 

Or Snickers, as they're called now.

[Parafox]

I ordered a "California Dreaming" salad today.

 

I sent it back.

 

All the leaves were brown.

[Parafox]

My son phoned me to tell me he had just qualified as a barrister.

 

I was so proud.

 

Turns out he is working at Starbucks.

 

 

Edited 21 June 2024 by Parafox