The joke thread

[Trav Le Bleu]

I just walked past a busker playing Breakfast in America.

 

I said, "That's Supertramp!"

 

He replied, "Thanks, but I'm not a tramp!"

[Trav Le Bleu]

"I've just been on holiday in Bournemouth."

 

"In Dorset?"

 

"Yes, I can highly recommend it."

 

(Yes, I watched Only Connect last night.)

[Arkie Bennett]

On 10/10/2023 at 08:37, Trav Le Bleu said:

"I've just been on holiday in Bournemouth."

 

"In Dorset?"

 

"Yes, I can highly recommend it."

 

(Yes, I watched Only Connect last night.)

Soccer AM milked that one dry over several years.

[Wolfox]

I saw my dwarf neighbour standing at the bus stop this morning so I stopped... 



I said, "Jump in! I'll give you a lift!"

"Fvck off!" he said.

I thought to myself, "What an ungrateful shit", so I zipped up my backpack and kept walking home

[Parafox]

I looked up the definition of "underwhelming" and found myself a little disappointed.

 

Like when I discovered my universal remote control did not in fact, control the universe. Not remotely.

 

My parents were disappointed when they found out my Bar exam was actually a pub quiz.

Edited 13 October 2023 by Parafox

[surrifox]

A guy sitting next to me on the train took out a photo and showed it to me and said "this is my wife , she's beautiful isn't she?"

I said "If you think she's beautiful you should see my girlfriend, mate"

He said " Why is she a stunner?"

I said " no she's an optician"

[Trav Le Bleu]

Genie: What's your 1st wish?

 

Dave: I want to be rich.

 

Genie: And what's your 2nd wish?

 

Rich: I want lots of money.

[MPH]

FOR SALE:   Vintage Sooty and Sweep set. Good condition. Inviting offers! Just want them  off my hands to be honest..

[Mark 'expert' Lawrenson]

2 hours ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

Genie: What's your 1st wish?

 

Dave: I want to be rich.

 

Genie: And what's your 2nd wish?

 

Rich: I want lots of money.

That’s so stupid but so funny 😂 

[MPH]

@Izzy don’t tell anyone but secretly I miss your jokes!

[ozleicester]

5 minutes ago, MPH said:

@Izzy don’t tell anyone but secretly I miss your jokes!

I find them easy to miss    

[Jimothy]

My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet.

 

It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe leannnnnnn…

[Wolfox]

Cilla black and carol Decker once opened a tool shop together.....
it was called Cilla and Carol’s tool shop

[Red Squirrel]

9 hours ago, Wolfox said:

Cilla black and carol Decker once opened a tool shop together.....
it was called Cilla and Carol’s tool shop

ha ha but hardly a surprise, surprise is it.

Rumoured to have a sign on the door "Step Inside Love"

 

 

[Trav Le Bleu]

Job Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap in your CV?

 

Interviewee: That's when I went to Yale.

 

Job Interviewer: Well congratulations, you're hired!

 

Interviewee: Thanks, I really need this yob.

[Parafox]

On 16/11/2023 at 16:38, Trav Le Bleu said:

Job Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap in your CV?

 

Interviewee: That's when I went to Yale.

 

Job Interviewer: Well congratulations, you're hired!

 

Interviewee: Thanks, I really need this yob.

 

This is the Yoke thread, mate.

[MPH]

I managed to get myself an Eton Collage- themed  Advent calendar this year. All the doors will be opened for me by my Dad’s contacts.

[Parafox]

If Benny and Bjorn had been called Sam and Dave, the group would have been called ASDA.

[tom27111]

31 minutes ago, Parafox said:

If Benny and Bjorn had been called Sam and Dave, the group would have been called ASDA.

 

Good job they weren't called Colin, Una, Nigel and Tina.

[Milo]

Two horses at a party. Which one is the last to mingle?

 

 

 

 

The shire horse

[tom27111]

35 minutes ago, Milo said:

Two horses at a party. Which one is the last to mingle?

 

 

 

 

The shire horse

 

Ffs. I know you know @Izzy but I thought better of you.

[Milo]

2 minutes ago, tom27111 said:

 

Ffs. I know you know @Izzy but I thought better of you.

If I had a mic, I’d drop it 

[tom27111]

Just now, Milo said:

If I had a mic, I’d drop it 

 

I'd pick it up and hit you with it 

[Trav Le Bleu]

A group of us have got to together to go carol singing, but anyone is welcome to join.

 

So far it's just Dean, Don, Mary, Lee and I.

[Parafox]

21 hours ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

A group of us have got to together to go carol singing, but anyone is welcome to join.

 

So far it's just Dean, Don, Mary, Lee and I.

Right. I'm going to Google Christmas jokes.

 

I'll be right back.