The joke thread

[Mike Oxlong]

Little known fact - Bob Marley had a passion for doughnuts …… wi’ jam in 

 

[The Bear]

Kin hell the 90s wants those last two jokes back. 

[cambridgefox]

13 minutes ago, The Bear said:

Kin hell the 90s wants those last two jokes back. 

Bit kind saying jokes.

[ozleicester]

Why does 10 + 10 equal 11 + 11?


 

Because 11 + 11 = 22

(dont know how to do spoiler/hidey things)

Edited 16 May 2023 by ozleicester

[Trav Le Bleu]

Funniest joke in a while.

 

[MPH]

had my leg X-rayed yesterday.

The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.

I said: ‘Inch high knees?’

He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高

[ozleicester]

A man starts his own business....Within a few months his business grows to the point where he needs to hire two employees. He hires a woman named Sarah and a man named Jack. Things are good.

A year goes by and the little company's sales are sagging. The owner realizes that there is not enough work for his two employees and that he must let one of them go. But which one? Both Sarah and Jack were excellent employees in every respect.
 

Tormented by the decision, the owner asks a friend for advice. His friend says "When you go in tomorrow, watch them both, and fire the first one to take a break."
 

So the next day the owner is watching his employees. Sarah seems to be having a headache - her brow is furrowed and she's massaging her temples. She gets up and goes to the medicine cabinet for an aspirin. The owner sees this as a break, and while he hates to do it, this is the signal he was waiting for to make his arbitrary call.

The owner walks over to her and starts out, "Sarah, I'm afraid I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

Irritated, she replies, "Can you jack off? I have a headache."

[oxford blue]

I think Matt's cartoon today is very funny:

[Parafox]

My parents used to bath me in cheap Australian lager.

 

As I grew up I realised I'd been Fostered.

[Izzy]

In the spirit of Wimbledon fortnight I bought a punnet of strawberries and looked on the internet for the best way to serve them.

 

It said, remove the stalk, cut them in half, dust with a little icing sugar, and pile cream on top.

 

Word to the wise.....

 

pile cream tastes fvcking disgusting.

[Mike Oxlong]

7 minutes ago, Izzy said:

In the spirit of Wimbledon fortnight I bought a punnet of strawberries and looked on the internet for the best way to serve them.

 

It said, remove the stalk, cut them in half, dust with a little icing sugar, and pile cream on top.

 

Word to the wise.....

 

pile cream tastes fvcking disgusting.

[Izzy]

12 minutes ago, Mike Oxlong said:

[Izzy]

The missus asked me "Do I look fat in these jeans?"

 

I said "Promise not to be mad at me whatever I say"

 

She replied "Yes, of course".

 

I said "O.K, I shagged your sister"

[The Bear]

One from my 10 year old nephew. 

 

"what's the difference between ladies and laddies?" 

 

a D! 

[ozleicester]

On 08/07/2023 at 21:59, Izzy said:

In the spirit of Wimbledon fortnight I bought a punnet of strawberries and looked on the internet for the best way to serve them.

 

It said, remove the stalk, cut them in half, dust with a little icing sugar, and pile cream on top.

 

Word to the wise.....

 

pile cream tastes fvcking disgusting.

Id be more worried about them getting stuck on the racquet strings

[Daggers]

On 17/07/2023 at 13:47, Izzy said:

The missus asked me "Do I look fat in these jeans?"

 

I said "Promise not to be mad at me whatever I say"

 

She replied "Yes, of course".

 

I said "O.K, I shagged your sister"

 

[ozleicester]

Someone told me there were 26 letters in the alphabet.... i thought there were only 25...


 

I dont know why 

 

[Lionator]

Man 1: I just got accosted by a woman in a north-western Italian city.

 

Man 2: Genoa?

 

Man 1: No I've never seen her in my life.

[Izzy]

3 hours ago, Lionator said:

Man 1: I just got accosted by a woman in a north-western Italian city.

 

Man 2: Genoa?

 

Man 1: No I've never seen her in my life.

Man 1: I’m taking my wife on holiday to the Caribbean 

 

Man 2: Jamaica?

 

Man 1: No, she’s going on her own accord 

[Lionator]

29 minutes ago, Izzy said:

Man 1: I’m taking my wife on holiday to the Caribbean 

 

Man 2: Jamaica?

 

Man 1: No, she’s going on her own accord 

Man 1: I’ve just visited my parents in a Scottish town.

 

Man 2: Motherwell?

 

Man 1: She’s lost an arm but apart from that she’s grand! 

[Blarmy]

14 minutes ago, Lionator said:

Man 1: I’ve just visited my parents in a Scottish town.

 

Man 2: Motherwell?

 

Man 1: She’s lost an arm but apart from that she’s grand! 

Man 1: my mums going on holiday soon, but I’m not sure where

 

Man 2: Alaska?

 

Man 1: it’s ok, I’ll ask her myself 

 

 

 

[FoxesDeb]

2 hours ago, Blarmy said:

Man 1: my mums going on holiday soon, but I’m not sure where

 

Man 2: Alaska?

 

Man 1: it’s ok, I’ll ask her myself 

 

 

 

 

2 hours ago, Lionator said:

Man 1: I’ve just visited my parents in a Scottish town.

 

Man 2: Motherwell?

 

Man 1: She’s lost an arm but apart from that she’s grand! 

 

3 hours ago, Izzy said:

Man 1: I’m taking my wife on holiday to the Caribbean 

 

Man 2: Jamaica?

 

Man 1: No, she’s going on her own accord 

 

6 hours ago, Lionator said:

Man 1: I just got accosted by a woman in a north-western Italian city.

 

Man 2: Genoa?

 

Man 1: No I've never seen her in my life.

Fvcking hell  Just when I didn't think this thread could sink any lower 

[MPH]

Did you know, Koi fish always travel in groups of 4? It’s incase they get attacked.  If they do, A Koi will escape to the left, B Koi will escape to the right and C Koi will escape to the back.  That will only leave behind the D Koi.

[Parafox]

Well this getting poor so I might as well re-tell my favourite medical joke:

 

We took a guy to A&E with severe testicular pain.

 

Doctor: "How did this come about"? 

 

Patient: "I stuffed my balls up my own arse".

 

Doctor: "Rectum". 

 

Patient: "Oh no, I haven't, have I"?

Edited 26 July 2023 by Parafox

[FoxesDeb]

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. 

 

Where did Caesar keep his armies?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Up his sleevies!

 

That is literally the only joke I know