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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Blarmy

Blarmy

Posted
Posted
54 minutes ago, FoxesDeb said:

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. 

 

Where did Caesar keep his armies?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Up his sleevies!

 

That is literally the only joke I know lol

You must know the brown and sticky joke, surely?

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davieG

davieG

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, FoxesDeb said:

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. 

 

Where did Caesar keep his armies?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Up his sleevies!

 

That is literally the only joke I know lol

Is that even a joke or is it a joke that you’re telling it;)

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Dunge

Dunge

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God comes to Noah and says:

”Noah, mate! Great work on that Ark.”

”Thank you,” says Noah, “We’ve got some final checks to do but other than that, point us toward the animals and we’re ready to go.”

”And you’ve done a great job. I want to state that, on the record. It’s a real work of art. A work of Ark, perhaps? Ha ha! No, but seriously, I’m going to need you to build a second Ark.”

”A second Ark?”

”Yes.”

”But… I built this to your specification, Lord. I was very careful, I believe. Have I done something wrong?”

”No no no,” God insists, “As I say: Great job, big fan, ready to go and all that, but the thing is there’s been a bit of a screw-up at our end.”

”A screw-up?”

”Believe me, I’m just as frustrated about this as you are, and I can’t go into the details, but the angel responsible has been given quite the talking-to.”

”Very well,” says Noah, “What exactly do you need from this second Ark?”

”It needs to hold fish.”

”Fish!?”

”Fish.”

”But won’t they just survive in the flood?”

”We’re having trouble with one particular species,” God explains. Noah scratches his head and thinks about it.

”If there’s just one species, why don’t I build a fish tank on this Ark? There’s still a bit of room under the giraffes.”

”If only,” God laughs, “But no, we’re going to need thousands of these fish. As I say, big screw-up, sharp exchange of words, angel in the dog house.”

”Very well,” says Noah, “Do you want the same spec again?”

”Same basic design. Only of course with fish tanks. And three tiers.”

”Three tiers?”

”Yes, that’s very important.”

Noah pinches his nose.

”Lord…” he says, “It’s going to take time.”

”Don’t worry, I can give you time, and resources. I’ll delay the flood until you’re set.”

”Very well. Then, what species is this troublesome fish?”

”Carp.”

 

And that’s how Noah came to build the world’s first multi-storey carp Ark.

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Free Falling Foxes

Free Falling Foxes

Posted
Posted
14 minutes ago, Dunge said:

God comes to Noah and says:

”Noah, mate! Great work on that Ark.”

”Thank you,” says Noah, “We’ve got some final checks to do but other than that, point us toward the animals and we’re ready to go.”

”And you’ve done a great job. I want to state that, on the record. It’s a real work of art. A work of Ark, perhaps? Ha ha! No, but seriously, I’m going to need you to build a second Ark.”

”A second Ark?”

”Yes.”

”But… I built this to your specification, Lord. I was very careful, I believe. Have I done something wrong?”

”No no no,” God insists, “As I say: Great job, big fan, ready to go and all that, but the thing is there’s been a bit of a screw-up at our end.”

”A screw-up?”

”Believe me, I’m just as frustrated about this as you are, and I can’t go into the details, but the angel responsible has been given quite the talking-to.”

”Very well,” says Noah, “What exactly do you need from this second Ark?”

”It needs to hold fish.”

”Fish!?”

”Fish.”

”But won’t they just survive in the flood?”

”We’re having trouble with one particular species,” God explains. Noah scratches his head and thinks about it.

”If there’s just one species, why don’t I build a fish tank on this Ark? There’s still a bit of room under the giraffes.”

”If only,” God laughs, “But no, we’re going to need thousands of these fish. As I say, big screw-up, sharp exchange of words, angel in the dog house.”

”Very well,” says Noah, “Do you want the same spec again?”

”Same basic design. Only of course with fish tanks. And three tiers.”

”Three tiers?”

”Yes, that’s very important.”

Noah pinches his nose.

”Lord…” he says, “It’s going to take time.”

”Don’t worry, I can give you time, and resources. I’ll delay the flood until you’re set.”

”Very well. Then, what species is this troublesome fish?”

”Carp.”

 

And that’s how Noah came to build the world’s first multi-storey carp Ark.

Couldn't that have been told in 4 lines - or less?

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davieG

davieG

Posted
Posted
9 minutes ago, Free Falling Foxes said:

Couldn't that have been told in 4 lines - or less?

I think it’s what’s known as shaggy dog story, don’t ask me why but they’re intentionally long.

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davieG

davieG

Posted
Posted

Like this one, there’s a few variations of it.

 

The world's best and most famous conductor makes a small mistake while conducting the New York Symphony Orchestra. The audience didn't notice, the orchestra didn't notice either, but he knew he'd made the mistake and decided that he should retire. Once the performance had finished, he turned and faced the audience and said "Ladies and Gentleman, this is my last performance as a world class conductor. I'm now announcing my retirement." 
After a few minutes silence from the shocked audience, and orchestra too, he was greeted with boos and hisses. He walked from the stage, only to be met by his manager, standing in between two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Oh no you don't", his manager said, "you're not retiring." 
Forced backed to work by his manager, he endured week after week of conducting he no longer wanted to do. While lying in bed one night with his wife of many years, he turned to her and said "Dear, would you be able to get me a small hand-gun?" "Yes dear", she said, and he rolled over and went to sleep. 
Sure enough, at his next performance, the conductor began with the small hand-gun concealed in the his jacket. Once the concert had finished, he turned to the audience and said "I'm announcing my retirement for the second time. This is my last performance." The tuba player stood up and shouted "You can't be serious!", and the conductor whipped out his hand-gun and shot the tuba player dead. It wasn't long before the police arrived and the conductor was taken away. 
Days later, the conductor was taken to court. "How do you plead to the charge of first-degree murder?", the judge inquired. "Guilty your honor", the conductor replied. "Do you realize that the sentence for first degree murder in this state is death by electrocution?", the judge added. The conductor thought for a moment, but came to the conclusion that death would surely be better than continuing on like he was. "Yes your honor", the conductor said. While being strapped into the electric chair, one of the guards came to the conductor and said "You may have one last request before we terminate your life. What would you like?" After pondering for a few seconds, the conductor replied "A silver platter with a dozen bananas." His request was granted, and the conductor scarfed the bananas. The room was emptied, and the switch was flicked. The conductor's hair stood on end, but he survived! As one guard was about to the flick the switch again, he was stopped. "He survived the chair and the law says we have to let him go." 
The conductor left the building, only to be greeted by his manager and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Back to work", his manager said. More weeks of forced conducting went by. Lying in bed again one night with wife, he asked "Dear, could you get me a grenade?" "Yes dear", she replied. At his next performance, the conductor waited until the end of the concert, the grenade tucked neatly in his undies. "For the third time, I'm announcing my retirement!", he yelled. The conductor took out the grenade, pulled the pin, and threw it into the audience. The grenade exploded, killing 23 members of the crowd. The police arrived, and he was taken away again. 
"You again?", the judge asked, "I thought I'd sentenced you to death not long ago?" The conductor shrugged. "OK, how do you plead to 23 counts of first degree murder?", the judge said. "Guilty to all counts", the conductor replied. While the settings were changed to triple the voltage of the current going to the chair, the conductor was granted another last request. "A silver platter with 2 dozen bananas" was his answer. He scarfed the bananas the room was evacuated and the switch was flicked. It appeared that they'd manage to kill him this time, but their fears were realized when the conductor regained consciousness as they were about to remove his body. His manager and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards were waiting for him and he left the building. "Back to work." 
The weeks dragged on, and the conductor had all that he could take. "Dear, could you get me a missile launcher?", he asked his wife as they lay in bed. "Yes dear", she replied.
It was all too much for the conductor, and he didn't even wait for the concert to start. "Damn you all!" he screamed, and launched a missile into the New York Symphony Orchestra, killing all 190 odd band members. The army was called in this time, and he was dragged away. 
"Jesus Christ, you again!?! You're supposed to be DEAD!", the judge roared. The conductor just shrugged. "May I ask how you plead for 190 counts of first degree murder?" "Guilty as sin!", the conductor screamed, "the ****** deserved it!" The conductor was hauled away. A public announcement was issued to all local residents warning that there would be a short cut in the power. Meanwhile, the cities' electrical engineers were busy re-routing all the electricity they could into the electric chair. Once again, the conductor was granted a last request. "Three dozen bananas on a silver platter", he said. 
He scarfed the bananas, the building was completely vacated, and the electric chair was activated by remote control, some 2 kilometres away. The building exploded, reducing it to rubble. They fished through the ruins to find the conductor's ruined body. His funeral was held some days later and as the casket was being lowered into the grave there was a knock on the coffin lid. Women fainted as the conductor crawled out of coffin - alive! He was taken to a large press conference. One reporter stood up and asked "You've survived three visits to the electric chair. How did you do it?" 
"I've tried telling people all along", he said, 
"I'm just a bad conductor."

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davieG

davieG

Posted
Posted
5 minutes ago, Free Falling Foxes said:

Thanks for the subsequent example but please tell me you copied and pasted it, as opposed to typing it all out? :unsure:

I did my version was shorter but I still wasn’t going to type it. 
 

Stories like that and a rap rap rap one Kept my kids enthralled when they were quite young

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LanguedocFox

LanguedocFox

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, davieG said:

Like this one, there’s a few variations of it.

 

The world's best and most famous conductor makes a small mistake while conducting the New York Symphony Orchestra. The audience didn't notice, the orchestra didn't notice either, but he knew he'd made the mistake and decided that he should retire. Once the performance had finished, he turned and faced the audience and said "Ladies and Gentleman, this is my last performance as a world class conductor. I'm now announcing my retirement." 
After a few minutes silence from the shocked audience, and orchestra too, he was greeted with boos and hisses. He walked from the stage, only to be met by his manager, standing in between two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Oh no you don't", his manager said, "you're not retiring." 
Forced backed to work by his manager, he endured week after week of conducting he no longer wanted to do. While lying in bed one night with his wife of many years, he turned to her and said "Dear, would you be able to get me a small hand-gun?" "Yes dear", she said, and he rolled over and went to sleep. 
Sure enough, at his next performance, the conductor began with the small hand-gun concealed in the his jacket. Once the concert had finished, he turned to the audience and said "I'm announcing my retirement for the second time. This is my last performance." The tuba player stood up and shouted "You can't be serious!", and the conductor whipped out his hand-gun and shot the tuba player dead. It wasn't long before the police arrived and the conductor was taken away. 
Days later, the conductor was taken to court. "How do you plead to the charge of first-degree murder?", the judge inquired. "Guilty your honor", the conductor replied. "Do you realize that the sentence for first degree murder in this state is death by electrocution?", the judge added. The conductor thought for a moment, but came to the conclusion that death would surely be better than continuing on like he was. "Yes your honor", the conductor said. While being strapped into the electric chair, one of the guards came to the conductor and said "You may have one last request before we terminate your life. What would you like?" After pondering for a few seconds, the conductor replied "A silver platter with a dozen bananas." His request was granted, and the conductor scarfed the bananas. The room was emptied, and the switch was flicked. The conductor's hair stood on end, but he survived! As one guard was about to the flick the switch again, he was stopped. "He survived the chair and the law says we have to let him go." 
The conductor left the building, only to be greeted by his manager and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Back to work", his manager said. More weeks of forced conducting went by. Lying in bed again one night with wife, he asked "Dear, could you get me a grenade?" "Yes dear", she replied. At his next performance, the conductor waited until the end of the concert, the grenade tucked neatly in his undies. "For the third time, I'm announcing my retirement!", he yelled. The conductor took out the grenade, pulled the pin, and threw it into the audience. The grenade exploded, killing 23 members of the crowd. The police arrived, and he was taken away again. 
"You again?", the judge asked, "I thought I'd sentenced you to death not long ago?" The conductor shrugged. "OK, how do you plead to 23 counts of first degree murder?", the judge said. "Guilty to all counts", the conductor replied. While the settings were changed to triple the voltage of the current going to the chair, the conductor was granted another last request. "A silver platter with 2 dozen bananas" was his answer. He scarfed the bananas the room was evacuated and the switch was flicked. It appeared that they'd manage to kill him this time, but their fears were realized when the conductor regained consciousness as they were about to remove his body. His manager and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards were waiting for him and he left the building. "Back to work." 
The weeks dragged on, and the conductor had all that he could take. "Dear, could you get me a missile launcher?", he asked his wife as they lay in bed. "Yes dear", she replied.
It was all too much for the conductor, and he didn't even wait for the concert to start. "Damn you all!" he screamed, and launched a missile into the New York Symphony Orchestra, killing all 190 odd band members. The army was called in this time, and he was dragged away. 
"Jesus Christ, you again!?! You're supposed to be DEAD!", the judge roared. The conductor just shrugged. "May I ask how you plead for 190 counts of first degree murder?" "Guilty as sin!", the conductor screamed, "the ****** deserved it!" The conductor was hauled away. A public announcement was issued to all local residents warning that there would be a short cut in the power. Meanwhile, the cities' electrical engineers were busy re-routing all the electricity they could into the electric chair. Once again, the conductor was granted a last request. "Three dozen bananas on a silver platter", he said. 
He scarfed the bananas, the building was completely vacated, and the electric chair was activated by remote control, some 2 kilometres away. The building exploded, reducing it to rubble. They fished through the ruins to find the conductor's ruined body. His funeral was held some days later and as the casket was being lowered into the grave there was a knock on the coffin lid. Women fainted as the conductor crawled out of coffin - alive! He was taken to a large press conference. One reporter stood up and asked "You've survived three visits to the electric chair. How did you do it?" 
"I've tried telling people all along", he said, 
"I'm just a bad conductor."

Presumably you meant scoffed (the bananas); on the basis that that many scarves would take too long to knit?

 

I’ll get me coat.

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Wolfox

Wolfox

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There's a sign in my local park that reads: 

'Please do not cycle on the grass. You may injure a young child or elderly person.'


I'm annoyed about the cycling, but at least they've provided an alternative activity.

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Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted

I got pulled over by the old bill after a night of drinking, doing drugs, and dancing.
 

He looked at my number plate and said "Whisky, Charlie,Tango"

 

I thought "How the hell did he know that?!"

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Trav Le Bleu

Trav Le Bleu

Posted
Posted

This isn't a joke per se, but a comedical observation of the news I heard earlier today on a panel show.

 

"A newsagent has been prosecuted after selling cigarettes strapped to bottles of cola to children... or as it's known in Glasgow, a meal deal."

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Clever Fox

Clever Fox

Posted
Posted

Grandparents' Overnight stay...!

 

This is just too cute not to pass on!

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their Sons house overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet,

He asked could he use one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong

and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa. $10 a pill," answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the

morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the Pillow. He called

Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110."

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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