Rincewind Posted 3 January 2012 Posted 3 January 2012 Christianity has become the first major religion to update its literature to suit modern, busy lives. ‘Bible On: Just Try to be Nice’ is expected to top the best-seller list, and has been hailed by critics for its ‘no-nonsense, less preachy approach’. Vicars have often struggled to convince people with even a basic understanding of how the planet works that the current Bible is still relevant. ‘The old testament in particular has been hard to read aloud without someone sniggering, I’m pleased to see they’ve done away with that bit completely’, admitted David Parsonage, an experienced vicar of two. ‘All that smiting, vengeance and impossible levels of rainfall just distract from our core message: ‘try not to be too much of a dick’.’ Controversially, the new edition of the book has updated the names of some characters, and Jesus has been removed completely. ‘He’s been a bit hard to relate to since the ‘70s, if I’m honest’, explained co-author Ken Flowers. ‘If a kid is faced by a bearded man in sandals claiming that if they follow him they will experience endless love, they’re probably going to report him to Childline. That’s why we’ve replaced him with a talking bear called Keith, who looks sad if you drop litter, or knock something over.’ Flowers believes parables and metaphors can confuse the modern audience. ‘There’s often a fundamental misunderstanding of the old version’, sighed the author, ‘which is why we’ve asked Professor Brian Cox to proof-read the new version for technical accuracy. For instance, we now claim ‘it is more difficult to push a balloon through the eye of a Dyson bladeless fan than it is for a weird man to enter a Klingon convention.’ Brian wasn’t sure what we can really learn from that, but it is at least scientifically provable.’ Some groups claim the new text isn’t open enough to deliberate misinterpretation. ‘It’s all very well replacing the ten commandments with the suggestion that you ‘think twice before doing something that you might later regret’’, complained Orson Shapwell, the head of an obscure church that worships fish, ‘but substituting angels with ‘a chance that someone might see you doing that’ doesn’t give us much room for manoeuvre.’ ‘My flock relies on me to tell them what to think, and I’m pleased to say they’ll believe almost anything’, declared Shapwell. ‘If I suddenly start asking them to ‘listen to their conscience’ or ‘behave in case they get caught’, I could be out of a job. If you ask me, it’s putting a bit too much faith in humanity; ‘don’t expect too much from people, a lot of them are bastards’, to quote the Good Bear Keith.’
The Doctor Posted 3 January 2012 Posted 3 January 2012 Jesus has been removed completely. ‘He’s been a bit hard to relate to since the ‘70s, if I’m honest’, explained co-author Ken Flowers. ‘If a kid is faced by a bearded man in sandals claiming that if they follow him they will experience endless love, they’re probably going to report him to Childline. That’s why we’ve replaced him with a talking bear called Keith, who looks sad if you drop litter, or knock something over. Boo - Jesus was evidently a fairly cool bloke - turning water into wine and with those miracle powers he could probably throw an awesome party - old time-y rock star.
SOCCERROO FOX Posted 3 January 2012 Posted 3 January 2012 It will only be a best seller as it's manditory for all Hotels and Motels to have a copy.
I am Rod Hull Posted 3 January 2012 Posted 3 January 2012 The Qur'an is still better Free will and thought is better...
Yojoe36 Posted 3 January 2012 Posted 3 January 2012 Free will and thought is better... Booo!! Death to the infidels of the Western-World. Everyone shall bow to Allah Jesus is weak. Mohammed Ali would kick his arse
SOCCERROO FOX Posted 3 January 2012 Posted 3 January 2012 Free will and thought is better... Playboy is better still
I am Rod Hull Posted 3 January 2012 Posted 3 January 2012 Booo!! Death to the infidels of the Western-World. Everyone shall bow to Allah Jesus is weak. Mohammed Ali would kick his arse The drone has been dispatched... Playboy is better still Hmmmm, Got me there...
The Doctor Posted 3 January 2012 Posted 3 January 2012 The Qur'an is still better In fairness they're all a bit crap and should all open with the line "Warning: The contents of the following pages is absolute nonsense, under no circumstances should you take it as gospel and start beating the living shit out of each other." - Life would be a lot better then.
Trav Le Bleu Posted 3 January 2012 Posted 3 January 2012 In all honesty the thing that gets me is this, "people can't relate to stories about people from more than 50 years ago" ethos. If you can't relate to Jesus cos he had a beard and wore sandals, then you can't relate to anyone from about 3000BC until 500 AD. It's called history people and things were slightly different. Is it really so diffcult to comprehend?
Babylon Posted 3 January 2012 Posted 3 January 2012 It's called history people and things were slightly different. My history lessons were usually based on fact.
Rocket-Ron Posted 3 January 2012 Posted 3 January 2012 I just hope the new Jesus type characture has his trousers pulled up to his waist
Trav Le Bleu Posted 3 January 2012 Posted 3 January 2012 My history lessons were usually based on fact. The co-author's argument was that people can't relate to someone with a beard who wears sandals. That's Pythagoras' theorem out the window then. Kids couldn't possibly understand those weird guys who built the pyramids. I'm not even going to try and explain who Alexander the Great was.
Webbo Posted 3 January 2012 Posted 3 January 2012 In all honesty the thing that gets me is this, "people can't relate to stories about people from more than 50 years ago" ethos. If you can't relate to Jesus cos he had a beard and wore sandals, then you can't relate to anyone from about 3000BC until 500 AD. It's called history people and things were slightly different. Is it really so diffcult to comprehend? Quite right Trav. These patronizing idiots do more to make religion irrelevant than any half baked atheist.
Corky Posted 3 January 2012 Posted 3 January 2012 In all honesty the thing that gets me is this, "people can't relate to stories about people from more than 50 years ago" ethos. If you can't relate to Jesus cos he had a beard and wore sandals, then you can't relate to anyone from about 3000BC until 500 AD. It's called history people and things were slightly different. Is it really so diffcult to comprehend? You should refuse to post it through letterboxes on your rounds. That'll show em
Fox You Forest Posted 3 January 2012 Posted 3 January 2012 The co-author's argument was that people can't relate to someone with a beard who wears sandals. So that's why she left me.
danny. Posted 4 January 2012 Posted 4 January 2012 The co-author's argument was that people can't relate to someone with a beard who wears sandals. That's Pythagoras' theorem out the window then. Kids couldn't possibly understand those weird guys who built the pyramids. I'm not even going to try and explain who Alexander the Great was. I'm pretty sure the whole article is a joke Trav...
Kitchandro Posted 5 January 2012 Posted 5 January 2012 My history lessons were usually based on fact. Is there any part of the forum where you don't play down rumours
Babylon Posted 5 January 2012 Posted 5 January 2012 Is there any part of the forum where you don't play down rumours Nope.... I don't mind rumours really, just don't like the fact people actually believe them without questioning them.
Trav Le Bleu Posted 5 January 2012 Posted 5 January 2012 Nope.... I don't mind rumours really, just don't like the fact people actually believe them without questioning them. Babs doesn't believe that people used to have beards and walk around in sandals.
Yojoe36 Posted 5 January 2012 Posted 5 January 2012 I'm hoping they put some Monty Python scenes in. "He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy" Please God, make them put this in
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.