The joke thread

[filbertway]

Annual Physical

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."

"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

HAHA took me 2 reads to get that

[lildave3]

Annual Physical

Love that

[coale39]

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.

Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl of peanuts!

"I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"

"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."

ps: Keep the joke thread alive!

[Deathside]

Can't be doing with reading 6 pages of thread so apologies in advance if someone has already pitched in with this favourite of mine:

A red parrot and a blue parrot are sat on a perch - Red parrot says 'I can smell fish'

[Deathside]

What d'ya call a boomerang that doesn't come back

A stick

[Geo V]

Two boys are playing football in a Leicester park when one of them is attacked by a rottweiler. Thinking quickly, his friend rips a plank of wood from a fence, forces it into the dog's collar and twists it, breaking the dog's neck.

All the while, a newspaper reporter who was taking a stroll through the park is watching. He rushes over, introduces himself and takes out his pad and pencil to start his story for the next edition.

He writes, "Leicester City fan saves friend from vicious animal." The boy interrupts: "But I'm not a City fan." The reporter starts again: "Leicester Tigers fan saves friend from horrific attack." The boy interrupts again, "I'm not a Tiger`s fan either." The reporter asks: "Who do you support, then?" "Notts Forest," replies the boy. So the reporter starts again: "Sheepshagging Tree bastard kills family pet"

[dhermon]

A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't" she replied.

Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile.

"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.

[Wycombe Fox]

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably

never be able to support you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows

Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to

Build up the required pressure.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at

the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive

by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's been a little too well endowed, shall we say. In fact, it's 25 inches long. Can't get any women to marry him. Doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch that he thinks might be able to help. Witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter." Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest, as anyone in this sort of joke would. Finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Will you marry me?" he calls to the frog. Frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."Guy looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great, he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?" he asks the frog. Frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!" Twitch -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Will you marry me?" Frog yells back, "Look - how many times do I have to tell you? No. No. NO!"

A young man aged about 16 goes into a house of ill repute,

clutching a wallet in one hand and a dead bullfrog by one leg in the other.

He asks the madam for one of her girls and,

after enquiries as to his age and whether he can pay, she agrees.

He says however that the girl must have herpes !

After a bit of phoning around a girl is found and the deed done.

On his way out the girl asks why having herpes was necessary.

"Well, when I get home I'm going to screw the baby sitter

and then Dad will come home and take the baby sitter home, giving her one on the way, then he'll come home and make love to my mother.

Tomorrow when Dad's gone to work the milkman will call and give my mother one .. and he's the bastard I want to get ... HE RAN OVER MY FROG !

A man drives into a disabled car parking space and parks up his car.

A traffic warden notices this and shouts "Hey, what's your disability?"

The man replies "Tourettes you C**T, now F**K OFF"

Edited 5 January 2007 by Isle of Wight Fox

[Wycombe Fox]

Courtesy of the late, great Bonny Rarker...errr Ronny Barker;

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella

worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling

shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge,

and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible

huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts

would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.

Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She

turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six

dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks.

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimlight otherwise,

there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when

suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said

Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping

her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and

the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg

and let off a fig Bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince.

"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking

brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly

isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a

knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge

halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking

ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The

pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived

hers with a follen swanny.

[dhermon]

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.

The guy says, ''Who is this?'' '

'This is the maid,'' answers the woman.

''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.

The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''

The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''

The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.''

The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''

The maid says, ''What will I have to do?''

The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.''

The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.

The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''

The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''

Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''

A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?''

[Flynny]

Celine Dion walks into a bar, the barman asks, "Why the long face".

[The People's Hero]

Celine Dion walks into a bar, the barman asks, "Why the long face".

Perhaps more pertinently, why did the doormen let her in?

[He's not bald]

Old man goes to the doctor's with real bad constipation

The doctor gives him some supositorys and tells him to put them up his back passage and come back in 3 days

When the old man returns the doctor asks him how his "problem" is

"Just as bad" says the old man "I aint got a back passage so I put them in the back garden and the cat ran off with them!"

[Wycombe Fox]

Two scousers are riding a motorbike along the M62 between Manchester and Liverpool.

They break down and start hitching a lift.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift.

He tells them that he has no room in his wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls, but he will take a look at the bike for them.

He tries everything he knows but he's unable to repair it.

Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers that he has to leave.

The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back with the bowling balls, with their bike will he take them?

So, the friendly driver agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and the motorbike in the back, the driver shuts the doors and they are off on their way.

By this time, the driver is really late so he puts his foot down.

Sure enough, PC Plod from the Greater Manchester Police pulls him over for speeding.

The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying, and with sarcasm, the driver replies; Scouse Eggs.

The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so he wants to take a look.

He opens the back door and quickly shuts it up and locks it again.

He rushes back to his car and gets onto his radio and calls for immediate back up from as many officers as possible.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.

His reply was "I've got a wagon here with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it...2 have just hatched and the ****ers have managed to nick a motorbike already".

[coale39]

:D

[securedfox]

Two men discussing occupations they once had.

One said to the other that he once had a job as an assistant Circumciser.

He continued......The money was only £100 a week, but i got a share of the tips.

[Geo V]

Paul Scholes is in a bar and approaches the sleaziest woman there."Have you ever tried having sex with a proffesional footballer?" "No, I haven't," she admits, and the two head home, where the woman has the best sex ever.

Afterwards, Scholesey turns to her and says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for ten minutes, then we'll do it again. But while I'm sleeping, I need you to hold my knads in your left hand and my knob in your right hand."

Confused, she agrees, and after 10mins, the Ginger maestro wakes and they go at it - this time better than before.

"That was wonderful," she says. Scholsey continues. "But if you let me sleep for an hour, again holding my privates, we can have the best sex yet." The woman agrees, but she's curious. "Does holding your balls in my left hand and your knob in my right stimulate you while you're sleeping?"

Scholesey shakes his head. "No, but last time I slept with a girl as skanky as you, she stole my wallet."

[coale39]

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fook around?"

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can’t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you’re gonna die."

Two blokes are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of trainers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Trainers wont help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

Edited 14 January 2007 by coale39

[Wycombe Fox]

An elderly gentleman is on his deathbed. Although he senses the end is near, he is suddenly aroused by a wonderful aroma. He realises his loving wife of 60 years is baking his favorite cakes. he drags his tired and aching body out of bed and into the kitchen. As his frail and withered hand reaches up to the table, he suddenly feels the whack of a wooden spoon across his knuckles as his wife says, "**** off, they're for the funeral".

[Leonisco]

There's four gays sitting in a jacuzzi, when suddenly a blob of spunk floats to the surface.

"Right", say one of them, "who's farted?"

[Durnerz]

There's four gays sitting in a jacuzzi, when suddenly a blob of spunk floats to the surface.

"Right", say one of them, "who's farted?"

[Webbo]

i man goes into a pet shop and asks for a goldfish.

do you want an aquarium? asks the assistant.

i don't care what sign it is, i just want a goldfish.

[Ryanside]

a man walks into a pet shop and asks the owner,

"How much are your wasps?"

To which the owner replies, slightly confused,

"Sorry, but we don't sell wasps!"

"But you've got one in the window..."

wheres my hat?

[Geo V]

At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge Scouse bloke – 6 feet 5 inches tall and 350 lbs, proudly wearing his XXXXL Everton replica shirt.

He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After three or four beers, the gay man finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian.

Leaning over, he cups his huge ear: ‘Do you want a blow job?’ he whispers. At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar.

Finally, he leaves him, badly bruised in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing has happened. Amazed, the bartender quickly brings over another beer. ‘I've never seen you react like that,’ he says. ‘Just what did he say to you?’

‘I'm not sure,’ the big Scouser replies. ‘Something about a job.’

[Manwell Pablo]

A man meets a friend and sees that his friend's car is a total write-off and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood.

He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?", "Well," the friend replies, "you won't believe this but I ran over Cristiano Ronaldo".

"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?", to which his friend replies, "Well, he tried to escape through the park.â€Â