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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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AndyElZorro

AndyElZorro

Posted
Posted (edited)

I walked in to the Braunstone Victoria Working Mens club the other night and there was this crazy old woman sitting in the reception with her legs wide open and straw hanging out of her fanny. I just winked at her as I walked by and she said hay up me duck!

Edited by AndyElZorro
Parafox

Parafox

Posted
Posted
On 29/01/2026 at 04:00, AndyElZorro said:

I walked in to the Braunstone Victoria Working Mens club the other night and there was this crazy old woman sitting in the reception with her legs wide open and straw hanging out of her fanny. I just winked at her as I walked by and she said hay up me duck!

:tumbleweed:

  • Haha 3
adam1

adam1

Posted
Posted
On 01/01/2007 at 11:35, DanTheFoxBhoy said:

Three pregnant women were waiting in the doctor's waiting room for an prenatal check-up and were all knitting garments for there respective babies. Suddenly the first expectant mother stops knitting, checks her watch, pulls a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one...

"What was that?", the other two ask, curiously.

"Calcium tablet. Good for mommy, good for little baby", she replies, patting her stomach affectionately.

Satisfied, all 3 continue with their knitting...

5 minutes later, the second one stops knitting, checks her watch, takes a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one..

"What was that?", the other two enquire

"Vitamin tablet", she replies, "Good for mommy, good for little baby" and she pats her stomach affectionately.

All 3 smile and continue busily with their knitting...

5 minutes later, the last woman stops knitting, checks her watch, takes a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one..

"What was that?" ask the other two..

"Thalidomide. I can't knit sleeves."

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Trav Le Bleu

Trav Le Bleu

Posted
Posted
1 minute ago, adam1 said:

🤣🤣🤣🤣

What the...

 

That's a 19 year old joke, that looks like it's twice as old.

  • Haha 1
NAKC20

NAKC20

Posted
Posted

Had a builder round yesterday to give me a quote for a chimney. After he had looked I asked how much would it be? 

"Nothing" he replied

"Nothing why not" I asked

He replied "Its on the house"

  • Haha 2
  • Popular Post
Trav Le Bleu

Trav Le Bleu

Posted
  • Popular Post
Posted

Which is Whitney Houston's favourite kind of coordination?

 

Hand eeeeeeeeyeeeeeeeeeeeee!

  • Like 3
  • Haha 3
Parafox

Parafox

Posted
Posted
On 31/01/2026 at 12:14, Trav Le Bleu said:

Which is Whitney Houston's favourite kind of coordination?

 

Hand eeeeeeeeyeeeeeeeeeeeee!

 

Now, that's a decent one amongst a detritus of "jokes" recently posted. :appl:

Parafox

Parafox

Posted
Posted
7 hours ago, The Bear said:

Fun fact: Humans are born with 4 kidneys, but as we grow up, 2 of them eventually turn into adult knees.

 

But we've all got only 2 knees.

 

This is nonsense. If I had 4 knees as a kid, I'd be a circus act earning a fortune bending over backwards (and forwards) to entertain Victorian people.

MrSpaM

MrSpaM

Posted
Posted (edited)

Biggest joke of today is that the Leicester Mercury website have now introduced a "premium subscription" to read 50% of their news articles

Edited by MrSpaM
  • Haha 2
  • 4 weeks later...
davieG

davieG

Posted
Posted

The old farmer said, “ Well as I see it, Donald Trump is like a Post Tortoise”
The man, not being familiar with the term, asked what a ‘post tortoise’ was.

The farmer said, “When you’re driving down a county lane and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that’s a post tortoise.

The farmer saw the puzzled look on the man’s face so he continued to explain. “You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, he’s elevated beyond his ability to function, and you wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with.”

 

It's appropriate to modify this.

 

The fan said, “ Well as I see it, Rudkin is like a Post Tortoise”

The man, not being familiar with the term, asked what a ‘post tortoise’ was.

The fan said, “When you’re driving down a county lane and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that’s a post tortoise.

The fan saw the puzzled look on the man’s face so he continued to explain. “You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, he’s elevated beyond his ability to function, and you wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with.”

  • Haha 1
Parafox

Parafox

Posted
Posted
On 02/02/2026 at 08:22, MrSpaM said:

Biggest joke of today is that the Leicester Mercury website have now introduced a "premium subscription" to read 50% of their news articles

It's a shyt news site. It's not worth the subscription. You can find most of what they hide behind a paywall via the BBC local news website or Google.

  • Like 1
adam1

adam1

Posted
Posted (edited)
22 hours ago, Parafox said:

It's a shyt news site. It's not worth the subscription. You can find most of what they hide behind a paywall via the BBC local news website or Google.

I use brave browser and  I can view the articles marked "premium"?

 

Edit:

 

As its a jokes thread:

 

Pessimist: The glass is half empty… Optimist: The glass is half full. Journalist: You won’t BELIEVE what’s in this glass

Edited by adam1
  • Haha 1
Parafox

Parafox

Posted
Posted
22 hours ago, FOXYTALK said:

Nobody said hi in the kitchen at work but the microwaved.

C'mon mate. I mean... "jokes thread".

Parafox

Parafox

Posted
Posted (edited)

Husband and wife are having breakfast on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary.

 

The wife says, "you know what, my nipples are as hot now as they were 50 years ago".

 

"I'm not surprised" replies the husband. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your porridge".

Edited by Parafox
  • Haha 3
  • 2 weeks later...
Trav Le Bleu

Trav Le Bleu

Posted
Posted (edited)

I'm wondering if anyone would like to invest in my new idea for a Cambodian restaurant, Phnom Nom Nom?

Edited by Trav Le Bleu
shen

shen

Posted
Posted
27 minutes ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

I'm wondering if anyone would like to invest in my new idea for a North Korean restaurant, Phnom Nom Nom?

Shouldn't that be Cambodian? :ph34r:

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