The joke thread

[Samilktray]

So bad on so many levels.

[Webbo]

What's worse than a dog biting your shoe?

A Killer Whale chewing your trainer.

[Fosse Boy]

Carlos Tevez sees his baby for the first time and says "It looks nothing like me!"

"Give me a chance" says his wife... "I've only just boiled the fucking kettle!"

[Zingari]

you bunch of sick b*strads !!!

thanks

[Wycombe Fox]

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizen's Centre.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, 'I'm here to put you all into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light. Claude the hypnotist said, 'I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces!

'SHIT!' said the hypnotist.

It took 3 days to clean up the mess!

[whitlock]

i was quitely enjoying anal sex with this girl the other night, when she turned to me and went mmmmmpp...mmmpphhhhppmmmm....mmmmmhmmpppmmm...

Dont you just love gaffer tape?

[Webbo]

What's the difference between the Icelandic volcano and Cheryl Cole?

The Icelandic volcano is still blowing Ash.

[Mee]

What's the difference between the Icelandic volcano and Cheryl Cole?

The Icelandic volcano is still blowing Ash.

[LoughboroughFox]

Following the sad death of the polish prime minister in a air crash, an offical day of mourning has been declared for the polish nation. Therefore all hand car washes will be closed on monday.

[ScouseFox]

Sorry if it's been said before, but I heard this over the weekend;

Rafael Benitez is out in Iraq, and spots a brilliant, young Iraqi striker. He asks him to come on a trial for Liverpool.

The next game, Liverpool are 4-0 down at home to Manchester United. Benitez decides to give his Iraqi wonder kid a run out with 20 minutes left. He is a sensation, and scores 5 goals, turning the game and the title race.

After the game, he rings his mother, who is at home.

"Hi mum, i've had a great day, I came on and scored 5 goals and everyone here loves me"

The mother responds. "Let me tell you about my day. Your father's been shot, me and your younger sister have been attacked, robbed and gang raped, and your little brother has joined a gang of looters who deal drugs."

"Mum, I don't know what to say, I'm so sorry."

"Sorry? You're sorry? It was your bloody fault we had to move to Liverpool in the first place!"

[Guest Bilo]

What's the difference between my pencil case and Poland?

My pencil case has a ruler.

[ScouseFox]

What's the difference between my pencil case and Poland?

My pencil case has a ruler.

[LoughboroughFox]

Im voting for the Icelandic Volcano party, its done more to stop immigration in the last 5 days than labour has done in the last 10 years!

Edited 19 April 2010 by LoughboroughFox

[AjcW]

Man United have signed a new striker from Nigeria. On his first day of training Fergie picks up the ball points at it and says "Ball", then at the goal and says "Goal", Then repeats it over and over again "Ball - goal, ball - goal, ball - goal".

Finally the Nigerian plucks up the courage and says "Excuse me Mr Ferguson... I speak very good English".

To which Fergie replies, "Sit down son, I was talking to Berbatov".

[Guest Bilo]

'Knock knock'

'Who's there?'

'David'

'David who?'

'Gordon, just get the fuck out of my house will you?'

[Fox You Forest]

Just had a policeman at the door, he said " It looks like your girlfriend has been in an accident" I said "Yeah I know but she's got a lovely personality".

[The Doctor]

how does a welshman find a sheep in long grass?

Very satisfying.

======================

A man comes home late at night very drunk. He climbs into bed but before going to sleep he notices something very strange.

He wakes his wife and says "Margret there are 3 pairs of feet sticking out the end of our bed." "No there's not" his wife replies "get out and count again".

So the man gets up and goes to the end of the bed. "Yes Margret you're right - there are only two pairs of feet here and i can see i need my toenails trimming".

[Wycombe Fox]

I've just seen a bloke in a wheelchair. He had no legs, one arm, one ear and one eye. He was shouting and swearing at everyone. I thought to myself ......

...that ****ers not all there.

[Webbo]

Rob Green has trained today and in 3 hours has had over 4,000 shots fired at him without conceding a single goal.

Tomorrow, Heskey and himself will be training with the rest of the squad.

[LoughboroughFox]

Been donating £2 to the african appeal, and all they can buy is a fooking trumpet!!!

[davieG]

England players visited a local childrens Hospital today in South Africa.

"It`s good to put a smile on the Faces of people constantly struggling and facing the impossible", said Jomal Umboato, aged Six.

[ozleicester]

England players visited a local childrens Hospital today in South Africa.

"It`s good to put a smile on the Faces of people constantly struggling and facing the impossible", said Jomal Umboato, aged Six.

Gold

[Narborough_fox]

Why are scottish Sat-Navs so Crap?

Because they don't know how to go to South Africa.

[Narborough_fox]

APPARENTLY NICOLAS ANELKA IS TO BE SENT HOME FROM THE WORLD CUP AFTER A FOUL MOUTHED RANT AT RAYMOND DOMONECH AT HALF TIME DURING THE MEXICO GAME....SO HE WILL BE ON THE PLANE WITH THE REST OF THE FRENCH SQUAD THEN!

[davieG]

APPARENTLY NICOLAS ANELKA IS TO BE SENT HOME FROM THE WORLD CUP AFTER A FOUL MOUTHED RANT AT RAYMOND DOMONECH AT HALF TIME DURING THE MEXICO GAME....SO HE WILL BE ON THE PLANE WITH THE REST OF THE FRENCH SQUAD THEN!

There's no need to shout!