The joke thread

[Buce]

I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face every time she orgasmed.

I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them.

[Mike Oxlong]

The beautician said a facial can make you look 10 years younger.

Now I'm down the police station charged with gross indecency.

[Buce]

The beautician said a facial can make you look 10 years younger.

Now I'm down the police station charged with gross indecency.

You were indecent 144 times!

They have you bang to rights..

Edited 23 December 2015 by Buce

[Mike Oxlong]

My wife turned to me during her mother's funeral and hissed, "When we get home later, I'm going to make you ****ing pay for this!"

For the life of me I couldn't think of what I had done wrong.

Maybe it's because I wasn't sharing my popcorn.

[Izzy]

People, please. All these jokes about Justin Beiber really must stop.

I mean come on, remember that's someone's daughter for gods sake.

[Mike Oxlong]

As I looked at the ABBA quiz leader board I noticed that I was right at the bottom and so was the Japanese girl that I fancy.

I stood there for a moment longer, soaking in my failure, when suddenly she appeared next to me.

She glanced at the leader board and said, "No win me, no win you."

[Countryfox]

I went to a record shop the other day and asked the bloke behind the counter   "What have you got by the Doors ?" ....          He said   " A bucket of sand and a fire blanket".

[Brian123]

haha~~~

 

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

[Webbo]

I went into a shop and said "I'd like to buy a mirror, you gormless looking ,four eyed twat".

 

The shop assistant said " I'm over here sir".

[Buce]

I went into a shop and said "I'd like to buy a mirror, you gormless looking ,four eyed twat".

The shop assistant said " I'm over here sir".

I think you meant this to go in the How Was Your Day? thread, Webbo.. Edited 2 January 2016 by Buce

[Izzy]

My 4 year old was struggling to open his yogurt today when he suddenly mumbled, "fvcking shitty lid!"

My wife immediately looks at me and says, "Mmmm, I wonder where he's got that from!??"

I said "the fridge, you silly cvnt"...

[Brian123]

My 4 year old was struggling to open his yogurt today when he suddenly mumbled, "fvcking shitty lid!"

My wife immediately looks at me and says, "Mmmm, I wonder where he's got that from!??"

I said "the fridge, you silly cvnt"...

 

haha~~~funny kid

My 4 year old was struggling to open his yogurt today when he suddenly mumbled, "fvcking shitty lid!"

My wife immediately looks at me and says, "Mmmm, I wonder where he's got that from!??"

I said "the fridge, you silly cvnt"...

 

haha~~~funny kid

[Buce]

Two elderly nuns were walking in the park, when a man jumped out of the bushes with his pants around his ankles.

One had a stroke, but the other couldn't reach.

[Alf Bentley]

Two elderly nuns were walking in the park, when a man jumped out of the bushes with his pants around his ankles.

One had a stroke, but the other couldn't reach.

 

 

She probably couldn't reach because of all the drugs she'd been taking. I heard she had a serious habit.

 

Whereas the one who had the stroke just let out a little wimple.

[Buce]

She probably couldn't reach because of all the drugs she'd been taking. I heard she had a serious habit.

Whereas the one who had the stroke just let out a little wimple.

I think they were upset coz they didn't get nun..

[davieG]

I thought it was one had a stroke and the other was overcome.

[Beliall]

BREAKING NEWS

At Notts Forest last home game someone threw a pound coin on the pitch.
Police are trying to determine wether it was a missile or a takeover bid.

[Tielemans63]

A family are driving behind a bin lorry when a manky old dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

 

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was  just an insect."

 

"Wow", her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock that size."

[Izzy]

A family are driving behind a bin lorry when a manky old dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

 

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was  just an insect."

 

"Wow", her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock that size."

reminds me of..

Young boy walks in on his Mum having a shower..

Boy: "Mummy, what's that between your legs?"

Mum: "Son, that's where the devil hit me with the axe"

Boy: "Fvckin el Mum - right in the fanny!"

[Buce]

The worst pub I ever went to was called The Fiddle.

It was a vile inn.

[Webbo]

The worst pub I ever went to was called The Fiddle.

It was a vile inn.

 

 

(Only joking)

Edited 12 January 2016 by Webbo

[Buce]

I have the heart of a lion.

And a lifetime ban from Twycross zoo.

Edited 12 January 2016 by Buce

[Buce]

I also have an inferiority complex...

..but it's not a very good one.

[Buce]

How is a woman like a condom?

Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

[Buce]

What's the difference between a washing machine and a woman?

You can dump your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week, asking if you love it..