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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Renart

Renart

Posted
Posted

"Any two-watt bulbs?"

 

"For what?"

 

"That'll do, I'll take two."

 

"Two what?"

 

"I thought you didn't have any."

 

"Any what?"

 

"Yes, please."

 

Brilliant.

  • Like 1
Renart

Renart

Posted
Posted

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

  • Like 3
Countryfox

Countryfox

Posted
Posted (edited)

An out of work thespian was desperate to find a job.  After being turned down on many occasions he finally had an audition for a new play.  The producer explained that it was only a small part in a new show that was opening very soon.  There was only one line   "Is that a cannon I hear?"   but the pay was good and there was nothing else in the offing so he thought, why not?   The Producer advised him that he would contact him as soon as any opening night details were available.  The thespian had been RADA trained and had appeared in many major productions and was determined to show the Producer what he could do.   At home he practised his lines in many different styles . . .   with gusto ...    with pathos ...    sotto voce ...   with incredularity ! ....    and in two or three different regional accents ....    "Is that a cannon I hear ?".

 

Nothing was heard for several weeks until finally one morning the actor received a phone call from the producer  "We're opening tonight in Glasgow so you need to get yourself here as soon as possible!".  "I'm on my way" said the actor.  He immediately threw a few things into a bag and dashed off to get a taxi to the railway station.  Luckily he caught an early train but unfortunately half way through the journey, the train was delayed by a signal failure.  The actor wasn't too concerned at first but as the delay continued he began to worry that he wouldn't be there on time.  Eventually the train continued its journey and arrived at Glasgow.   Rushing out of the station, he flagged down the nearest cab and hurriedly gave the driver the address of the theatre.  As they sped off he glanced at his watch and realised that it was going to be quite tight but he could still just make it.   Unfortunately at that point the cab ground to a halt in heavy traffic and the driver advised him that there had been some sort of accident ahead.  However, as they were only half a mile away it might be quicker for him to leave the cab and go on foot.  The actor looked at his watch and realised the play was about to start but nevertheless ran as fast as he could to the theatre to explain to the producer what had happened and apologise as best he could for being late.  He arrived and saw the producer standing in the wings and as he approached him to explain, the producer turned and said  "God, where have you been?!  Quickly, you're on right now!".  Dropping his bag, he was helped into his costume and then thrust onto the stage.   At that point there was an almighty BOOM which shook the whole theatre and the actor shouted  . . . "WHAT THE F*** WAS THAT?!!!!!".

Edited by Countryfox
  • Like 2
CollinsLCFC

CollinsLCFC

Posted
Posted

A blonde goes to work and starts crying. Her Boss asks "Whats wrong?", the blonde replies "My Mum has just died". The boss told her to go home, but the blonde insisted she will be fine.

 

A couple of hours later, the Boss finds the blonde lady crying again, and again asks "Whats Wrong?", she replied "I just spoke to my Sister, and her Mum has just died too!".

  • Popular Post
MPH

MPH

Posted
  • Popular Post
Posted (edited)

Was walking past Leicester prison the other day and i saw a midget scaling down the outside wall. I recognized him from a fraud case last year.

 

 

I just stood there staring at him as he got to the bottom. He turned, sneered at me and ran off!

 

 

It was a little condescending.

Edited by MPH
  • Like 9
Webbo

Webbo

Posted
Posted

Was walking past Leicester prison the other day and i saw a midget scaling down the outside wall. I recognized him from a fraud case last year.

 

 

I just stood there staring at him as he got to the bottom. He turned, sneered at me and ran off!

 

 

It was a little condescending.

I had to think about that. :D

  • Like 1
cambridgefox

cambridgefox

Posted
Posted

An old man was lying in his hospital bed,when he turned to the pretty nurse attending him and said.

"Can I have a kiss?"

"No!" She replied.

" oh go on,please" he said sweetly

" No" she replied again

"Please,just a little peck" He pleaded

" For the final time no,i shouldnt even be wvnking you off"

separator

separator

Posted
Posted

My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe.

 

Two minutes later he said, "Why haven't you pulled over yet?"

 

I said, "Because we're still in Nottingham."

  • Like 1
Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted

Two cows stood chatting in a field. One says to the other: "So what do you make of all this Mad Cow Disease then?"

The other says, "I duuno mate, I'm a Duck so it doesn't really affect me"

  • Like 2
Buce

Buce

Posted
Posted

I awoke this morning as bald as a billiard ball.

I guess the wife misunderstood me when I asked her to shave her twat..

  • Like 4
  • Popular Post
Izzy

Izzy

Posted
  • Popular Post
Posted

Paddy says "Micky, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador dog"

 

"Fvck that" says Micky...."have you seen how many of their owners go blind!"

  • Like 6
Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted

I was at a cash machine the other day and the old lady in front asked me to check her balance ...        So i pushed her over.

lol lol lol

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