The joke thread

[Rincewind]

I don't get it.

It is called satire.

[Alf Bentley]

It is called satire.

 

 

Good to see someone flying the flag for Scotland.

[Izzy]

Q: What do you call an angry Terrorist?

A: Amin Amood

[Tielemans63]

Our local cinema are doing a one-off showing of the latest James Bond film just for dyslexics.

 

Respect.

[Izzy]

My friend Gav died yesterday from taking heartburn tablets. Can't believe gavisgon

[Parafox]

I could'nt find the de-icer for my windscreen this morning so I used a store discount card I had in my wallet.

 

It only took 10% off.

[Mike Oxlong]

I went to the doctors because my bum kept bleeding,

"You need to cut it down a bit" he told me,

"what, the beer, fags and junk food?" I asked,

"No, I was talking about the nail on your index finger" he replied.

Edited 23 November 2015 by Mike Oxlong

[MPH]

[FerrisBueller]

Did you hear about the transvestite from Greater Manchester?

 

He had a Wigan Address.

[Rincewind]

A bloke arranges to meet a girl he matched up with on  a dating internet site. She turns out to be pretty hot. After wining and dining her on a night out in Leicester he takes her home for coffee. Soon they are having fantastic sex several times during the night.

In the morning she slides her hand under the quilt,smiles at him  and squeezes his balls, turns to him and says 'Do you like that?'

'Ooh yes,  please do me some more.' he replies'

She smiles again and says 'Me too, I miss  mine.'

[Mike Oxlong]

I came home from work early to find my wife without any clothes on.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Erm... I thought we could have a bit of fun," she replied. "Let's play naked hide and seek."

"You're on!" I said, stripping as I ran upstairs. "I'll hide first!"

I went into our bedroom and opened the wardrobe door. My mate Dave was sat there in the nude.

"I'm really sorry, mate," he said.

"Don't worry," I giggled. "I'll hide under the bed!"

[Izzy]

I went to the Doctors today and he said I was suffering from Paranoia.

Well he didn't exactly say it, but I knew what the cvnt was thinking...

[Alf Bentley]

I'm living a nightmare. My next-door neighbour is the world's most ardent Forest fan.

 

Last week, he ripped out a whole stretch of his front lawn. He then laid a series of paving stones leading to his front door. Each paving stone was decorated with an image of Stuart Pearce.

 

I've got a proper Psycho path next door to me.

[separator]

Saw Shakespeare's 'Richard III' play the other night, so decided to have a marquee put up in the garden with some funky music & flashing lights in it.

 

Now is the winter of our disco tent.

[Alf Bentley]

I went to the Doctors today and he said I was suffering from Paranoia.

Well he didn't exactly say it, but I knew what the cvnt was thinking...

 

 

My mate suffers from that piranhoia, too. He has an irrational belief that he's going to be attacked by razor-toothed fish.

 

 

Saw Shakespeare's 'Richard III' play the other night, so decided to have a marquee put up in the garden with some funky music & flashing lights in it.

 

Now is the winter of our disco tent.

 

 

Is that the garden of your mock Tudor mansion in Bosworth?

 

Must be annoying that your pet dog keeps wandering into the marquee. I've heard you shouting "Out, damned Spot! Out, I say!"

[Tielemans63]

Got sacked from my job as the restaurant manager today after an employee lost three fingers in one of the electric food mixers.

Apparently I'd failed to do an adequate whisk assessment.

[MPH]

[Great Boos Up]

I just farted in a lift, it was wrong on so many levels.

[Great Boos Up]

For all you people with insomnia,  only 3 more sleeps till Christmas.

[Swarles Barkley]

If light travels faster than sound, how come I can here the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?

Edited 4 December 2015 by Swarles Barkley

[johnny the fox]

nottingham forest... thats all..

Edited 5 December 2015 by johnny the fox

[Countryfox]

The missus said, d'you know somebody actually complimented me on my driving today ....  they left a little note that said    "Parking Fine"   ...  That was nice !

[Countryfox]

The missus decided to sell the hoover ....    well it was just collecting dust.

[Izzy]

VIAGRA. It won't make you James Bond.

But it will make you Roger Moore

[VLC86]

A Newcastle fan walked into a bar.... BOOOOOOOOOOO.

That's it.