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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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jammie82uk

jammie82uk

Posted
Posted

Walking down the street one day, Max encountered a man walking the other direction who had a Giant peach for a head. Curious, Max asked the poor fellow what had happened.

The guy with the peach for a head said, "Well, one day I went for a walk on the beach and found a lamp. Inside the lamp was a genie who said he would grant me three wishes. First, I told him I wanted to be a rich man, and suddenly there was a suitcase full of money there on the beach with me, and I was very rich indeed."

The guy with the peach for a head continued:"For my second wish, I asked the Genie to get me a beautiful wife who would be happy to be married to me, and who will make me happy. That's how I met my wife."

At this point, the guy with the peach for a head stopped talking for a little bit until Max grew impatient. "What was your third wish?"

The guy with the giant peach for a head said, "With my third wish, I wished to have a giant peach for a head"

  • Like 2
Webbo

Webbo

Posted
Posted
The British Medical Association has weighed in on the new Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals. 

 

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. 

 

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. 

 

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception. 

 

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted. 

 

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!" 

 

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. 

 

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The ENT specialists wouldn’t hear of it. 

 

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter." 

 

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. 

 

The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. 

 

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the a**holes in London. 

  • Like 3
Parafox

Parafox

Posted
Posted

 

The British Medical Association has weighed in on the new Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals. 
 
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. 
 
The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. 
 
The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception. 
 
Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted. 
 
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!" 
 
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. 
 
The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The ENT specialists wouldn’t hear of it. 
 
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter." 
 
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. 
 
The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. 
 
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the a**holes in London. 

 

 

Clever

 

Cut and paste?

Webbo

Webbo

Posted
Posted (edited)

I wonder what they tell their careers officers at school? " I like to stare up bare arses all day".

Edited by Webbo
Buce

Buce

Posted
Posted

I wonder what they tell their careers officers at school? " I like to stare up bare arses all day".

Nah, if they said that the CO would recommend being a Tory MP. :D

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Buce

Buce

Posted
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A complete stranger phoned me last night and asked me to meet him in the woods so he could look at my penis.

Fvcking weirdo never turned up.

  • Like 6
MPH

MPH

Posted
Posted (edited)

Just seen on the news that YouTube, Twitter and facebook will be merging into one company!

 

 

 

new company will be known as Youtwitface

Edited by MPH
Beliall

Beliall

Posted
Posted

Just seen on the news that YouTube, Twitter and facebook will be merging into one company!

 

 

 

new company will be known as Youtwitface

:wes:

  • Like 2
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Countryfox

Countryfox

Posted
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Posted

Just got banned from B&Q.   Some dickhead in an orange apron came up to me and asked if I wanted decking.    Luckily I got the first punch in. 

  • Like 6
cambridgefox

cambridgefox

Posted
Posted

Just got banned from B&Q.   Some dickhead in an orange apron came up to me and asked if I wanted decking.    Luckily I got the first punch in.

reminds me years ago me and my mates were at a party and this girl who we went to school with was a real boaster.She had a broken arm and my mate said" how did you do that" she said " I did it in Texas" of which my mate replied" what the DIY store" comedy gold( if you were there and you remember Texas)
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Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
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Posted (edited)

There is an ongoing murder trial where a wife battered her husband to death with his collection of guitars. 

The judge asked her  'First offender?'

She replied ' No, first a Gibson then a Fender.'

Edited by Rincewind
  • Like 6
Buce

Buce

Posted
Posted

When your woman says, What!?, it's not because she didn't hear you.

She's giving you a chance to change what you said.

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separator

separator

Posted
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Posted

Mick Hucknall was arrested yesterday after being caught having sex with a rabbit.

 

Apparently he was "holding back the ears" and the "bunny was too tight to mention"...

  • Like 5
Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted

The police pulled me over and ordered me to get out of my car.

"You're staggering" said the officer.

"You're not a bad looking fvcker yourself" I replied..

  • Like 3
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The Bear

The Bear

Posted
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Posted

I had a row with my wife last night and she threw a bottle of fabric conditioner that only just missed my head.

It must have been Lenor because it was a bit too close for Comfort.

  • Like 8
Beliall

Beliall

Posted
Posted

When your woman says, What!?, it's not because she didn't hear you.

She's giving you a chance to change what you said.

 

 

Mick Hucknall was arrested yesterday after being caught having sex with a rabbit.

 

Apparently he was "holding back the ears" and the "bunny was too tight to mention"...

 

 

I got glue all over my autobiography today.

 

Well, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

 

 

I had a row with my wife last night and she threw a bottle of fabric conditioner that only just missed my head.

It must have been Lenor because it was a bit too close for Comfort.

 

 

:clap:

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