The joke thread

[Izzy]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

 

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

 

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town an kick up your heels a bit".

 

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

 

One o'clock came however and he didn't return. The two o'clock, and still no hired hand. He eventually returned around three o'clock in the morning and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

 

She quietly called him over to her....

 

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

 

"Now take off my boots." Ever so slowly, he did as she asked.

 

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

 

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

 

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

 

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

 

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fvckin sacked"

[Buce]

 

I got locked out of the Euphemism Society today.

 

So I smashed their back door in.

Edited 1 June 2018 by Buce

[Buce]

 

I woke up this morning, covered in sticky white fluid, hazily remembering the inter-species orgy I took part in last night.

 

I don't know what came over me.

[Izzy]

A woman walks into a Newcastle hairdresser's and asks "Can I have a perm please?"

 

"Aye, nee problem pet" says the hairdresser. "Ah wandered lernley as a clood....."

[Aus Fox]

What’s the difference between a tube of glue, a tuna fish and a piano?

 

You can tuna piano, but you can’t piano a tuna.

[Aus Fox]

I was camping last weekend, when  a mate of mine said I’m going to ran through this camp site naked!

I said, don’t you mean run through this camp site?

No, ran. He replied it’s past tents.

[Aus Fox]

I went to clean out my sons room this morning. I called him in and said  why is there a lion and a witch in your walldrobe?

It’s Narnia business he said.

[Buce]

 

I went to see a solicitor this morning and said, "I want to file for divorce."

He said, "What are your reasons?"

I said, "Because I keep sleeping with other people, I'm a sex addict and it's not fair on my wife."

"Fair enough," he said, "Are there any children involved?"

"Sometimes" I replied.

[Izzy]

13 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

I went to see a solicitor this morning and said, "I want to file for divorce."

He said, "What are your reasons?"

I said, "Because I keep sleeping with other people, I'm a sex addict and it's not fair on my wife."

"Fair enough," he said, "Are there any children involved?"

"Sometimes" I replied.

[Buce]

 

My mother-in-law bought one of those facial mud packs - she said that it would improve her looks.

 

It does a great job, tbf, but the fvcking thing keeps falling off.

Edited 2 June 2018 by Buce

[ozleicester]

8 hours ago, Aus Fox said:

What’s the difference between a tube of glue, a tuna fish and a piano?

 

You can tuna piano, but you can’t piano a tuna.

but what about the glue?

[Alf Bentley]

3 minutes ago, ozleicester said:

but what about the glue?

 

Contrary to Aus Fox's statement, you can piano tuna, but the urine ruins the taste. That's why it's better to glue it into a tuba. 

[Aus Fox]

1 hour ago, ozleicester said:

but what about the glue?

I knew someone would get stuck on that.

[Buce]

 

It's my Scouse neighbour's 18th birthday today.

 

His parent's put £50 in his nan's purse for him.

[Buce]

 

A Geordie bloke phoned his mother-in-law & told her that her daughter had gone into labour.
"Is she dilated?" asked the mother-in-law.

"I don't know cause she's off her heed on gas & air reet now, but I'm fvcking over the moon like.

Edited 2 June 2018 by Buce

[Buce]

 

I went into a baker's in Glasgow today and asked the counter assistant, "Excuse me. Is that a macaroon or a meringue?".

 

She replied, "No hen, you're right, it's a macaroon".

[Beliall]

20 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

I went into a baker's in Glasgow today and asked the counter assistant, "Excuse me. Is that a macaroon or a meringue?".

 

She replied, "No hen, you're right, it's a macaroon".

took me a sec

[Izzy]

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off."

 

Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

 

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?"

 

Barbara replied, "Well you'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

[Bob Weasel Fox]

Since my wife left, I've bought a motorcycle, drugs and am currently in bed with two prostitutes.

She's going to be pissed off when she comes home from work.

[woollett the bullet]

My wife and I decided to make a sex tape last week . . . 

                                  She was so pissed off when I held auditions for her part

Edited 3 June 2018 by woollett the bullet
Spellin

[Buce]

 

A strange thing happened during a performance of Elgar's Sea Pictures at a concert hall in Bermuda tonight.

 

The man playing the triangle disappeared.

 

[Buce]

 

I'm not one to brag about money, but my credit card company calls me nearly every day to tell me my balance is outstanding.

[Buce]

 

I called the RSPCA today and said, “I’ve just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs.”
“That’s terrible,” she replied. “Are they moving?”

“I’m not sure, to be honest,” I said, “But that would explain the suitcase.”

 

[Countryfox]

20 hours ago, Beliall said:

took me a sec

 

Took me about 30 ...   

[Beliall]

32 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

I called the RSPCA today and said, “I’ve just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs.”
“That’s terrible,” she replied. “Are they moving?”

“I’m not sure, to be honest,” I said, “But that would explain the suitcase.”