The joke thread

[Wortho]

An Arab sheikh was admitted to the hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, his doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose. As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world. 

Finally a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type. After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife, and $100,000 US dollars in appreciation for the blood donation. 

A few months later, the Arab had to undergo a further corrective surgery procedure. Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood. 

After the second surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him:"I thought you would be more generous than that. Last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds and money, but this time you only sent me a lousy thank-you card and a crappy box of chocolates?" 

To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins".

[Buce]

 

I'll let you tell him, Izzy...

[Izzy]

My wife has just kicked me out of the house for doing terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions.

 

But don't worry......I'll return

[foxfanazer]

My wife was always so angry at me for having no sense of direction

So i packed up my stuff and right..

[Alf Bentley]

I was driving down the road the other day and I saw this bloke hitching a lift. He had three eyes, no arms and one leg.

 

I pulled up, threw open the car door and shouted: "Aye! Aye! Aye! You look 'armless. Hop in!"

 

 

Got told that one at primary school almost 50 years ago. It was a classic then and it's a classic now. 

[Izzy]

Why did the sperm cross the road?

 

Because I put on the wrong sock this morning...

[Izzy]

I've just released my first single on 7" Vinyl.

 

A side: Oh I do like to be

 

B side: The seaside

[ajthefox]

Jeezus @Izzy Muzzett what the feck was that 

Edited 21 June 2018 by ajthefox
the sperm joke fyi, the song one actually made me chuckle

[Izzy]

3 minutes ago, ajthefox said:

Jeezus @Izzy Muzzett what the feck was that 

 

Don't tell me you've never wanked onto a sock before mate 

[Izzy]

First woman on the Moon:

 

"Houston, we have a problem."
 

What?

"Never mind"

What's the problem?
 

"Nothing"
 

Please tell us?

"You know what the problem is"

[Buce]

1 hour ago, Alf Bentley said:

I was driving down the road the other day and I saw this bloke hitching a lift. He had three eyes, no arms and one leg.

 

I pulled up, threw open the car door and shouted: "Aye! Aye! Aye! You look 'armless. Hop in!"

 

 

Got told that one at primary school almost 50 years ago. It was a classic then and it's a classic now. 

 

I’m confused. 

 

How did he hitch a lift with no arms?

[Alf Bentley]

30 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

I’m confused. 

 

How did he hitch a lift with no arms?

 

He was holding a cardboard sign in his teeth? 

[Facecloth]

6 minutes ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

He was holding a cardboard sign in his teeth? 

How did he write the sign? 

[Alf Bentley]

14 minutes ago, Facecloth said:

How did he write the sign? 

 

Holding a pen in the toes of his one leg, while sitting down (he had 2 buttocks, did I mention that?).

 

Didn't mention the unhappy ending, though, did I?

The bastard ran hopped off with my beautiful wife....

(His third eye was in the back of his head, before you ask)

 

Edited 21 June 2018 by Alf Bentley

[BirminghamFox]

Did you hear about the homosexual spider?

 

 

 

 

 

he keeps going for his mates flies 

[Alf Bentley]

3 minutes ago, BirminghamFox said:

Did you hear about the homosexual spider?

 

 

 

 

 

he keeps going for his mates flies 

 

He should try a gay dating site on the Web.

[TheLittleBigMan]

My dad used to wash my mouth out with soap. Best way to get rid of his DNA...

[Izzy]

"Hello Microsoft support, what's the nature of the problem?"

"Eggshell"

"Eggshell??"

"Yesh"

"Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?"

[Countryfox]

3 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

"Hello Microsoft support, what's the nature of the problem?"

"Eggshell"

"Eggshell??"

"Yesh"

"Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?"

 

Where do you get all these from Muzzett ...  ???    

[Izzy]

1 minute ago, Countryfox said:

 

Where do you get all these from Muzzett ...  ???    

While most people are busy leading a full and happy life, I spend hours trawling the internet for shit jokes instead.

 

Sad I know, but it's keeps me entertained 

[Izzy]

I got a hand job from a blind girl yesterday

 

"You've got the biggest cock I've ever felt!" she said

 

"You're pulling my leg" I replied

[Countryfox]

3 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

While most people are busy leading a full and happy life, I spend hours trawling the internet for shit jokes instead.

 

Sad I know, but it's keeps me entertained 

 

Not sh1t at all Muzzett ...   and they keep me entertained too !! ....   

 

(Just wish I could remember half of them !) ...   

[Izzy]

I can't stand people who think they're worse off than everyone else....

 

My mate Derek is brilliant. He had a nasty car accident recently and lost both his feet and his voice.

 

But does he make a song and dance about it?

 

Does he fvck...

[Izzy]

I decided to cover myself in bubble wrap this morning for a laugh.

 

The wife had a right go at me.

 

And now the rest of my family are having a pop.

[Izzy]

I just woke up having a nightmare that Gloria Gaynor was in my room

At first I was afraid, then I was petrified......