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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Izzy

Izzy

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Mr Whippy was sadly found dead in his van today. 

 

He was covered in strawberry sauce and crushed nuts as well as hundreds and thousands.

 

Police reckon he topped himself.

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Izzy

Izzy

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2 minutes ago, foxfanazer said:

My deaf wife left me for my deaf best friend

 

I can’t believe I missed the signs

My best friend Bob is deaf.

 

I bought him two goldfish recently for his birthday.

 

He absolutely loves them because when he looks at them they keep saying his name.

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Izzy

Izzy

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The wife phoned me last night while I was down the pub.

 

She said "Are you planning on coming home anytime soon, cos your tea's ready"

 

"Yeah, I suppose so" I replied.

 

She said "Look, can you just tell me roughly what time you'll be home please?"

 

I said "O.K. then. About half past fvcking ten you fat cow"

 

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fazzyfox

fazzyfox

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My mother in law has had my pet dog put down.

 

We were visiting the in-laws and I was showing off the dogs trick.

I said "Name a part of the body"

 

Someone shouted "elbow". The dog ran over to them, pinned them to the floor, rolled up their sleeve and licked their elbow for 15-20 minutes.

 

Everyone applauded then a second person shouted "Knee". The dog ran over, pinned them down, rolled up their trouser leg and licked their knee for a good 20 minutes.

 

"That's amazing" said one of the in-laws as they threw a dog treat through the air. The dog jumped up for it but missed and collided with the crockery display cabinet. Cups, saucers and plates came crashing down, smashing into pieces. The mother in-law walks in and screams "The China!"

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woollett the bullet

woollett the bullet

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Watching one of those turkish barbers whilst on holiday  in Istanbul. 

They shave with a stone honed cut throat  razor below the neckline ,

Snip and singe ear and nose hair ,

Wax chest hair and pluck all the arse crack hairs.

Finishing with a moustache trim ,alcohol rub  and hot towels . . . . 

 

Honestly the wife has never looked so good

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Izzy

Izzy

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I went into a record shop today and asked for the Cranberries album.

 

"The current album?" asked the bloke behind the counter.

 

"No" I replied. "The Cranberries album"

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Alf Bentley

Alf Bentley

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42 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I went into a record shop today and asked for the Cranberries album.

 

"The current album?" asked the bloke behind the counter.

 

"No" I replied. "The Cranberries album"

 

 

I bet he still gave you the wrong album. That Dire Straits album: "The Sultana Swing".

Either that or Ian Dury's "Raisins to be cheerful", eh?

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