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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Bob Weasel Fox

Bob Weasel Fox

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My mate has two tickets for the England vs Sweden game on Saturday. He didn't realise that it's going to be on the same day as his wedding, so he can't go. If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Andrew's Church in Cambridge and her name is Sarah

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boots60

boots60

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My wife said to me "You love football more than me"

"Don't be silly, you know that's not true" I replied.

"OK then, how long have we been married? You don't know do you?" she asked.

Of course I do darling I retorted.

Eleven & a half seasons.

 

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Durnerz

Durnerz

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On 29/06/2018 at 20:19, Izzy Muzzett said:

I once had a Chinese girlfriend.

 

One night in bed I happened to remark that her fanny seemed to be getting bigger and bigger.

 

She went mad and said "You always clittysizing!"


Reminds me of the time I had a complaint in a Chinese restaurant

"That chicken was f**king rubbery!" I told the chef

"Ah, fank ya very much" he replied.

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Bob Weasel Fox

Bob Weasel Fox

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My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own faeces. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

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Izzy

Izzy

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I decided to go for a massage today.

 

A young, very attractive Swedish girl began massaging my shoulders, then my chest, and gradually worked her way down my torso.

 

I was getting sexually aroused as her hands approached my towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows.

 

"You wanna wank?" she asked.

 

"You bet!" came my excited reply.

 

"Okay" she said "I come back in ten minutes"

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Izzy

Izzy

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By the time I had finished I was out of breath, dripping with sweat and my skin was sticky to the touch.

 

Standing up I caught a glimpse of my bright red face in the mirror. I was satisfied and I could tell by the look on her face that she was impressed with my performance.

 

As I lit up a cigarette I leaned over and said to her "That, my love... is how a real man finishes a Vindaloo".

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SouthStandUpperTier

SouthStandUpperTier

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12 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I decided to go for a massage today.

 

A young, very attractive Swedish girl began massaging my shoulders, then my chest, and gradually worked her way down my torso.

 

I was getting sexually aroused as her hands approached my towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows.

 

"You wanna wank?" she asked.

 

"You bet!" came my excited reply.

 

"Okay" she said "I come back in ten minutes"

Hmm, an Englishman rebuffed by a Swede. Hopefully not a metaphor for tomorrow's match.

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Izzy

Izzy

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2 minutes ago, SouthStandUpperTier said:

Internet killed the porno mag. That was a song wasn't it?

:D

 

My ex-girlfriend is trying to blackmail me by threatening to post full frontal nude photographs of me on the internet.

 

I don't see why she thinks I'd be worried though.

 

I've seen those photo's and you can barely even make out my cock.

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Alf Bentley

Alf Bentley

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On 06/07/2018 at 22:47, Izzy Muzzett said:

Razzle :D

 

Takes me back to my teenage years does that :thumbup:

 

As mentioned before, I have a song for every subject......

 

(I was confused as Razzle wasn't around in my youth. Seems the one Dury sings about finished in the late 50s and the one from your teenage years started 1983).

 

 

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Izzy

Izzy

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An American couple are on a driving holiday through deepest Wales, and pass through the town named Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

 

They were obviously having trouble trying to say the word and neither really knew the correct Welsh pronunciation. So, they decided to stop for lunch in the town and maybe ask a local to say the name properly for them.

 

As they sat in the restaurant, the husband leaned over to talk to a young blonde girl sitting at the next table.

 

"Excuse me" said the man. "We were wondering if you could tell us the name of where we are. Could you pronounce it really slowly? Would you mind?"

 

The young blonde looked at the man in a slightly bemused way, leans over towards him and says...

 

"Burrrrrr...Gurrrrrr...Kiiiiiinnng"

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Tielemans63

Tielemans63

Posted
Posted (edited)

There was a Thai lad in full football kit sat on a hospital bed.  An old fella wanders in and sits on the bed next to him.

 

"So, who are you rooting for in the World Cup Final?" the man asks, noticing the football gear. 

 

"I don't know, who's playing?" the boy answers.

 

"Jesus Christ, have you been living under a rock or something?"

 

 

Edited by Paddy.
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Izzy

Izzy

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A man is lost in the desert, dying of thirst, when up ahead he spots the hazy image of a small marketplace.

 

Unable to believe his luck and fearing it's a mirage, he staggers weakly towards it croaking, "Water, water …"

 

There are three market stalls there, so he goes up to the first begging for water. The guy at the first stall holds out his hands and says, "I'd love to help you sorry, but all I've got are these dry sponge fingers."

 

So the man desperately lurches towards the second stall begging for water. This stall owner again holds out his hands and says, "I wish I could help you sorry, but all I have are these sliced strawberries."

 

Crushed by disappointment the man finally staggers to the last stall begging for water. "Sorry mate," the final market seller explains, "but all I've got is custard."

 

The man can't believe what he's hearing and screams at them in his rage. "What's wrong with you idiots?! here you are in the middle of the desert and not one of you has any flippin' water!" 

 

Seeing him weakly totter off again into the desert one of the stall holders rubs his chin thoughtfully, "Hmmmm …. yes, now you mention it, it is a trifle bazaar."

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