You Are an Eccentric Foreign Owner of a Football Club

[Jordan]

There are a few threads in this subforum trashing, for example, Vincent Tan and Cardiff "Red Dragons" City. But have any of you taken just some of your time to think about how the other half lives? Could you imagine driving a Ferrari F12 that is--gasp--THE WRONG COLOR (or WRONG COLOUR, even)?! Oh, the humanity! So why would you allow the same thing to happen with your football club?

But besides all of that, have you thought about how much fun it would be to have a whole football club as your personal plaything, and its desperate fans eating out of your hands? Just think of what you could do:

-Buy off a few sportswriters and editors of a local paper, use them to convince the fans that you're injecting loads of cash into the club while you drag it further into debt, and then flog shirts with your face on it to raise money (Milan Mandaric)

-Play the ultimate prank by spending over £7m on a transfer for some obscure bum from the Portuguese Homeless League 2nd division, leak word that your club has signed then next Ronaldo, look at your fans' faces, and laugh hysterically (Malcolm Glazer)

-Use your club's website to host your own sparsely-updated comedy blog (Vladimir Romanov)

-Play striker in training matches. (Top)

-Everything Uri Geller ever did. (Uri Geller)

So, I ask you: if you woke up tomorrow to find yourself the wealthy foreign chairman of a football club, what changes would you demand be made, and what outlandish things would you make your new toy do for your personal enjoyment?* Be creative here.

I would:

-only allow my players to wear black boots. Colored boots are for pussies.

-make my players do a rap song every time the club wins silverware.

-play "Me So Horny" by 2 Live Crew on the tannoy as my team enters the field before every game, then have Michael Buffer read the team sheets to the crowd before kickoff.

-ban entrance to the ground to anybody over 12 that has a name and number on the back of his shirt that isn't a player (unless the number is 69, in which case entrance will be allowed because the hypothetical me would laugh at immature and inappropriate things).

-have a poll of the fans to name the club's all-time greatest player, then commission a 30-foot bronze statue of that player outside the ground that would make the Tom Finney statue look like a Barbie doll. ... Something along the lines of having the player dressed as a knight, killing a lion with a sword in one hand, while a buxom lady leans on his other shoulder, looking at him lustfully.

-replace the dressing room stereo with a DJ, decks, and a sound system. The players would love that shit.

-add a club fine for players for getting booked for dissent (because no referee will ever change his mind because some **** with a stupid haircut yelled in his face). I would, however, gladly pay the fine and for any player that got sent off for a vicious tackle on any player that I deem to be a total cockmaster (e.g A. Cole or Barton)

*- "I would give the club back to the community/I would let the fans have all decision making power/I would change ownership to the German model" etc. are not acceptable answers. Go the full Sam Hammam here.

[ozleicester]

I would take over the clubs favourite internet forum and fill it with rightwing Mods and supporters and then go on it every few days to tell everyone about my last international jaunt.

Coz private masturbation doesnt do it for me anymore.

[jonthefox]

I'd change our shirts to red and call ourselves the Leicester foxes.

[Finnegan]

I'd re-sign Sol Bamba, Knocky's getting de-flaired, he needs some encouragement.

Ronaldinho was at his best when he had Davids for competition.

[AdamN]

Create a giant holographic Wes Morgan head to stare the opposition down for 5 minutes before kick off.

[ealingfox]

Tbh I think I'd just use most of my resources to buy us top players!

[Captain...]

I would swap the Kop with the Family Stand and do away with pre game and goal music.

[Webbo]

I would take over the clubs favourite internet forum and fill it with rightwing Mods and supporters and then go on it every few days to tell everyone about my last international jaunt.

Coz private masturbation doesnt do it for me anymore.

Someones a bit grumpy, what have I done?

[Alexikokopops]

Rather than sponsor logos on the pitch by the goals I'd just have my face. Post coitus. And screw the 30 foot player statue - I'm having a 50ft high 'Kokopops statue, with bronze supports bowing at my feet. One foot on a tiger I'd just slain with my bare hands. In assless chaps just to confuse people.

[Out Foxed]

Create a giant holographic Wes Morgan head to stare the opposition down for 5 minutes before kick off.

signed in just to +1 that.

[ozleicester]

Someones a bit grumpy, what have I done?

Wasnt a personal shot at you

[Danizen]

I'd sign Gazza on a four-year contract and sack any useless cvnt that couldn't get him playing how he did in his Lazio days.

I'd also build a giant helipad on top of the Kop and fly in to every game five minutes before kickoff just to show off my wealth to 25000 plebs.

[theessexfox]

Create Open Days for fans to watch NP in headbutt training.

[Jordan]

Create a giant holographic Wes Morgan head to stare the opposition down for 5 minutes before kick off.

Absolutely fantastic.

But what happens after kickoff? What about forcing the manager to play a center back partnership of a real Wes Morgan and a Tupac-style Wes Morgan hologram?

[Finnegan]

Absolutely fantastic.

But what happens after kickoff? What about forcing the manager to play a center back partnership of a real Wes Morgan and a Tupac-style Wes Morgan hologram?

Controlled by my fifteen year old, billionaire son using software I'll pay EA to modify specifically from FIFA.

[Guest]

Run a weekly programme/seat draw for the next match manager - so that every plonker in the stands can actually see how bad their ideas are.