Depression

[Trav Le Bleu]

2 hours ago, Parafox said:

 

Sorry to hear that. And you're right about carrying on with life. Like it or not it goes own outside of our own lives and the feeling that no-one else we pass in the street knows our worries, grief, or distress and anxiety or all the other negative emotions we're going through, yet we think they should, is a peculiar feeling.

I think it's always good to remember that the reverse is true; that the people we pass in the street probably have worries of their own that we don't know or possibly understand.

 

It makes you feel less alone.

[urban.spaceman]

I graduated today. Absolutely knackered. I need to make this mean something.

[jgtuk]

14 minutes ago, urban.spaceman said:

I graduated today. Absolutely knackered. I need to make this mean something.

Go celebrate 🥳 

[Wymsey]

Right, I know it's a Saturday night but am ready to post about the personal situation.

 

Thanks for the advice support on here, much appreciated.

 

-

Here is what happened a couple of weeks ago..:

 

 

On the weekend of the 4th and 5th of this month, I went with (possibly) partner to see her Grandmother - who was receiving end-of-life care at a Hospice in Brighton.

 

 

 

On the 5th, the partner's Father took me back to the Train Station - where a very sudden and awkward conversation happened;

 

 

 

1.) He accused me of not looking after his daughter, because "She has put weight on and is "very stressed" - My response was that I've really tried my hardest in looking after her, especially in recent months as she was in a new job and going to Brighton to look after her Grandmother.

 

 

 

2.) He also accused me of "Not helping her with cooking etc" - My response was that I've regularly cleaned her property as much as possible. Regarding cooking aspects, I told him that I regularly asked the partner if she needed a hand with cooking - but often her response was "No, but thanks, as it's a small kitchen. I always cleaned and put our plates away afterwards.

 

 

 

3.) He then said I "just sat on my backside for months", barely looking for work - I said to him that I strongly deny this accusation, as I've regularly looked for work; and that I can send evidence of this if need be. I also always contributed more than I should do towards monthly bills for over 2 years at hers.

 

 

 

He lastly said to me that "Me and her should really think about possible trial-separation or trial separation".

 

 

 

I then went back to London, but my partner stayed until the Saturday after.

 

 

 

On the Tuesday I got back to London, the partner said that she needed space to process things and asked me to stay in a hotel from the weekend coming up. I moved out of the property last Saturday and stayed in a hotel nearby ever since.

 

 

 

This incident had (and still is somewhat) made me quite distressed after what happened in the car with her Father - especially with the accusations - and also with the partner not sitting down with me and mentioning any relationship issues head-on together.

 

 

 

Had barely had communication with her ever since, and it has made me confused, somewhat guilty and upset. Am facing a very uncertain future because of this.

 

 

It has been one of the most-distressing couple of weeks of my life, as really loved her and we quite regularly did things together just after Christmas and things seemed normal.

Edited 18 January by Wymsey

[Skidmark]

6 minutes ago, Wymsey said:

Right, I know it's a Saturday night but am ready to post about the personal situation.

 

Thanks for the advice support on here, much appreciated.

 

-

Here is what happened a couple of weeks ago..:

 

 

On the weekend of the 4th and 5th of this month, I went with (possibly) partner to see her Grandmother - who was receiving end-of-life care at a Hospice in Brighton.

 

 

 

On the 5th, the partner's Father took me back to the Train Station - where a very sudden and awkward conversation happened;

 

 

 

1.) He accused me of not looking after his daughter, because "She has put weight on and is "very stressed" - My response was that I've really tried my hardest in looking after her, especially in recent months as she was in a new job and going to Brighton to look after her Grandmother.

 

 

 

2.) He also accused me of "Not helping her with cooking etc" - My response was that I've regularly cleaned her property as much as possible. Regarding cooking aspects, I told him that I regularly asked the partner if she needed a hand with cooking - but often her response was "No, but thanks, as it's a small kitchen. I always cleaned and put our plates away afterwards.

 

 

 

3.) He then said I "just sat on my backside for months", barely looking for work - I said to him that I strongly deny this accusation, as I've regularly looked for work; and that I can send evidence of this if need be. I also always contributed more than I should do towards monthly bills for over 2 years at hers.

 

 

 

He lastly said to me that "Me and her should really think about possible trial-separation or trial separation".

 

 

 

I then went back to London, but my partner stayed until the Saturday after.

 

 

 

On the Tuesday I got back to London, the partner said that she needed space to process things and asked me to stay in a hotel from the weekend coming up. I moved out of the property last Saturday and stayed in a hotel nearby ever since.

 

 

 

This incident had (and still is somewhat) made me quite distressed after what happened in the car with her Father - especially with the accusations - and also with the partner not sitting down with me and mentioning any relationship issues head-on together.

 

 

 

Had barely had communication with her ever since, and it has made me confused, somewhat guilty and upset. Am facing a very uncertain future because of this.

 

 

It has been one of the most-distressing couple of weeks of my life, as really loved her and we quite regularly did things together just after Christmas and things seemed normal.

I'm going to be honest mate and it sounds like you're coming out of a situation which you are best out of. Her family sound like something you don't want to be a part of. 

 

It sounds like your partner has 'moaned' about you to her parents, and then her Dad took it upon himself to sort it out, or may have been told to 'have a word.' Certainly not what you want. 

 

Your partner should love you for you, the fact she's not bothered to message you shows that she's not worth the hassle. We can't choose the people we fall in love with sadly, but sometimes the end of relationships can be a blessing. It sounds very much in your case that this has been a blessing. 

 

It's not your job to look after her eating mate, she's a grown adult. The Dad sounds like someone who I'd certainly not want as a Father-in-law.  He might be 'looking' out for his daughter, but it seems like you were very much set up and were walking into a trap. 

 

Hope you're well brother, drop me a message if you need anything. 

[Sampson]

On 16/01/2025 at 22:54, Trav Le Bleu said:

I think it's always good to remember that the reverse is true; that the people we pass in the street probably have worries of their own that we don't know or possibly understand.

 

It makes you feel less alone.

Reminds me of the “This is Water” speech by David Foster Wallace. Worth rewatching now and again 

 

 

[Trav Le Bleu]

48 minutes ago, Skidmark said:

I'm going to be honest mate and it sounds like you're coming out of a situation which you are best out of. Her family sound like something you don't want to be a part of. 

 

It sounds like your partner has 'moaned' about you to her parents, and then her Dad took it upon himself to sort it out, or may have been told to 'have a word.' Certainly not what you want. 

 

Your partner should love you for you, the fact she's not bothered to message you shows that she's not worth the hassle. We can't choose the people we fall in love with sadly, but sometimes the end of relationships can be a blessing. It sounds very much in your case that this has been a blessing. 

 

It's not your job to look after her eating mate, she's a grown adult. The Dad sounds like someone who I'd certainly not want as a Father-in-law.  He might be 'looking' out for his daughter, but it seems like you were very much set up and were walking into a trap. 

 

Hope you're well brother, drop me a message if you need anything. 

Absolutely this.

 

It's not what you probably want to hear, but there's definitely problems if she's using other people to do her dirty work and essentially lying about you. That doesn't bode well for a future relationship.

 

The fact that she got her dad to do it suggests she expects other people to do things for her, daddy's little princess for whom nothing was too much - including chasing off suitors.

 

You are too nice a guy mate, certainly one of the best on FT, so I can't imagine why you might be treated like this, but I have no doubt that you can find someone who will treat you much better, with the love and affection you deserve.

 

DM me if you want to chat and try to stay positive, it must be hard.

[RobHawk]

Random question,

 

But has anyone tried wim hoffs 30-90-30 breathing technique and found it helped with stress and anxiety? 

 

I discovered it recently and it's really helped me focus, and I definitely feel calm but I'm not really an anxious person myself so intrigued how others have found it. 

 

[RobHawk]

4 minutes ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

Absolutely this.

 

It's not what you probably want to hear, but there's definitely problems if she's using other people to do her dirty work and essentially lying about you. That doesn't bode well for a future relationship.

 

The fact that she got her dad to do it suggests she expects other people to do things for her, daddy's little princess for whom nothing was too much - including chasing off suitors.

 

You are too nice a guy mate, certainly one of the best on FT, so I can't imagine why you might be treated like this, but I have no doubt that you can find someone who will treat you much better, with the love and affection you deserve.

 

DM me if you want to chat and try to stay positive, it must be hard.

My gut instinct is to agree with the two previous posts, but I also think there's two sides to every story and what I would be looking for is answers from this girl. 

 

Some family's are messed up, we presume dad's come running to help her, but it could be the other way round and dad interfering where he shouldn't and her almost being controlled by dad. I've seen some weird situations in my time and I always try and avoid jumping to conclusions. 

 

So if I were you, I'd be looking to speak with this girl very seriously, I'd go into it, expecting the worse but I'd want to hear things from her and go from there. 

[Izzy]

6 minutes ago, RobHawk said:

Random question,

 

But has anyone tried wim hoffs 30-90-30 breathing technique and found it helped with stress and anxiety? 

 

I discovered it recently and it's really helped me focus, and I definitely feel calm but I'm not really an anxious person myself so intrigued how others have found it. 

 

I've not tried that particular technique but I've done 4-7-8 breathing exercises for years.

 

Inhale deeply through nose for count of 4, hold breath for count of 7, then exhale slowly through mouth for count of 8

 

Works every time for me.

[foxfanazer]

2 hours ago, Wymsey said:

Right, I know it's a Saturday night but am ready to post about the personal situation.

 

Thanks for the advice support on here, much appreciated.

 

-

Here is what happened a couple of weeks ago..:

 

 

On the weekend of the 4th and 5th of this month, I went with (possibly) partner to see her Grandmother - who was receiving end-of-life care at a Hospice in Brighton.

 

 

 

On the 5th, the partner's Father took me back to the Train Station - where a very sudden and awkward conversation happened;

 

 

 

1.) He accused me of not looking after his daughter, because "She has put weight on and is "very stressed" - My response was that I've really tried my hardest in looking after her, especially in recent months as she was in a new job and going to Brighton to look after her Grandmother.

 

 

 

2.) He also accused me of "Not helping her with cooking etc" - My response was that I've regularly cleaned her property as much as possible. Regarding cooking aspects, I told him that I regularly asked the partner if she needed a hand with cooking - but often her response was "No, but thanks, as it's a small kitchen. I always cleaned and put our plates away afterwards.

 

 

 

3.) He then said I "just sat on my backside for months", barely looking for work - I said to him that I strongly deny this accusation, as I've regularly looked for work; and that I can send evidence of this if need be. I also always contributed more than I should do towards monthly bills for over 2 years at hers.

 

 

 

He lastly said to me that "Me and her should really think about possible trial-separation or trial separation".

 

 

 

I then went back to London, but my partner stayed until the Saturday after.

 

 

 

On the Tuesday I got back to London, the partner said that she needed space to process things and asked me to stay in a hotel from the weekend coming up. I moved out of the property last Saturday and stayed in a hotel nearby ever since.

 

 

 

This incident had (and still is somewhat) made me quite distressed after what happened in the car with her Father - especially with the accusations - and also with the partner not sitting down with me and mentioning any relationship issues head-on together.

 

 

 

Had barely had communication with her ever since, and it has made me confused, somewhat guilty and upset. Am facing a very uncertain future because of this.

 

 

It has been one of the most-distressing couple of weeks of my life, as really loved her and we quite regularly did things together just after Christmas and things seemed normal.

Firstly I'm so sorry that you've had to go through that. Sounds like a complete character assassination! I get dad's being protective but what you've described just sounds plain weird

 

The advice you've received on here so far sounds solid but only you will know what feels right for you. In an ideal world yeah move on and don't look back but we all know it's never that simple.

 

More importantly than anything though looks after yourself and surround yourself with people who appreciate you for you. Inbox is always open obviously 

[Trav Le Bleu]

9 hours ago, RobHawk said:

My gut instinct is to agree with the two previous posts, but I also think there's two sides to every story and what I would be looking for is answers from this girl. 

 

Some family's are messed up, we presume dad's come running to help her, but it could be the other way round and dad interfering where he shouldn't and her almost being controlled by dad. I've seen some weird situations in my time and I always try and avoid jumping to conclusions. 

 

So if I were you, I'd be looking to speak with this girl very seriously, I'd go into it, expecting the worse but I'd want to hear things from her and go from there. 

Thanks for adding that. I was going to say something like that, but couldn't think how.

My caveat would be though you if she does have a very controlling family, Wymsey is going to have to be strong and determined, which I have no doubt he can be.

 

Can I ask @Wymsey, is there a culture clash at all? Often this kind of scenario happens when a partner's family have a different way of living, resulting in misunderstandings.

[Trav Le Bleu]

9 hours ago, Izzy said:

I've not tried that particular technique but I've done 4-7-8 breathing exercises for years.

 

Inhale deeply through nose for count of 4, hold breath for count of 7, then exhale slowly through mouth for count of 8

 

Works every time for me.

It definitely helps. I use it when I'm can't sleep and usually drop off quickly.

[Steve_Guppy_Left_Foot]

Quick update from me. Back at work but gone backwards quite a lot. Slept about 2 hours (cumulatively) in 6 nights last week and think some sort of psychosis came on before I got my hands on a lot of Valium and sleeping tablets which has since levelled me out a bit as I’ve slept. The over riding sense is one of absolute hopelessness though and feeling completely trapped. I’ve never felt this bad in my entire life and just a few weeks ago that was the case but I’m so much worse now. I feel like another breakdown is basically here and has been for a while and not sure how to navigate it, can’t think, sleep or eat without being massively drugged up on non prescribed drugs I’ve managed to get my hands on. Bleak.

[urban.spaceman]

17 hours ago, Wymsey said:

Right, I know it's a Saturday night but am ready to post about the personal situation.

 

Thanks for the advice support on here, much appreciated.

 

-

Here is what happened a couple of weeks ago..:

 

 

On the weekend of the 4th and 5th of this month, I went with (possibly) partner to see her Grandmother - who was receiving end-of-life care at a Hospice in Brighton.

 

 

 

On the 5th, the partner's Father took me back to the Train Station - where a very sudden and awkward conversation happened;

 

 

 

1.) He accused me of not looking after his daughter, because "She has put weight on and is "very stressed" - My response was that I've really tried my hardest in looking after her, especially in recent months as she was in a new job and going to Brighton to look after her Grandmother.

 

 

 

2.) He also accused me of "Not helping her with cooking etc" - My response was that I've regularly cleaned her property as much as possible. Regarding cooking aspects, I told him that I regularly asked the partner if she needed a hand with cooking - but often her response was "No, but thanks, as it's a small kitchen. I always cleaned and put our plates away afterwards.

 

 

 

3.) He then said I "just sat on my backside for months", barely looking for work - I said to him that I strongly deny this accusation, as I've regularly looked for work; and that I can send evidence of this if need be. I also always contributed more than I should do towards monthly bills for over 2 years at hers.

 

 

 

He lastly said to me that "Me and her should really think about possible trial-separation or trial separation".

 

 

 

I then went back to London, but my partner stayed until the Saturday after.

 

 

 

On the Tuesday I got back to London, the partner said that she needed space to process things and asked me to stay in a hotel from the weekend coming up. I moved out of the property last Saturday and stayed in a hotel nearby ever since.

 

 

 

This incident had (and still is somewhat) made me quite distressed after what happened in the car with her Father - especially with the accusations - and also with the partner not sitting down with me and mentioning any relationship issues head-on together.

 

 

 

Had barely had communication with her ever since, and it has made me confused, somewhat guilty and upset. Am facing a very uncertain future because of this.

 

 

It has been one of the most-distressing couple of weeks of my life, as really loved her and we quite regularly did things together just after Christmas and things seemed normal.

Sorry this has happened mate. From what I can read into it there doesn't seem to have been much thought or understanding nor care for you or your employment situation from your partner or her family. I don't think some people really understand just how difficult life can be when you're unemployed, but to essentially gang up on you for things beyond your control just seems extremely unfair. 

[Parafox]

11 hours ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

Thanks for adding that. I was going to say something like that, but couldn't think how.

My caveat would be though you if she does have a very controlling family, Wymsey is going to have to be strong and determined, which I have no doubt he can be.

 

Can I ask @Wymsey, is there a culture clash at all? Often this kind of scenario happens when a partner's family have a different way of living, resulting in misunderstandings.

 

I would also ask, is there an age difference?

 

From what you said in your OP, my gut instinct is get out and get rid. It seems to me you're feeling miserable as a result of what's happened. Her dad isn't going to go away and it sounds like he is more involved than he should be, given you are both adults.

 

You have to live you best life and even though you might feel a loss and that's always hard, but you have to judge for yourself where the future lies and believe in the decision you make which I sense will be, move on and away and you may be all the better for it.

[jgtuk]

Hey @Wymsey, everyone here is talking sense but I understand that emotions don’t deal well with that… You say you love her so this makes it far more difficult to navigate. 
I would ask to meet up, somewhere neutral, and go armed with a logical set of questions that need answering (try to concentrate on important questions, don’t dwell on petty stuff).
Think of potential solutions too, if you can preempt her issues. I know it’s hard to separate logic from emotion but if you want clarity it’s probably the quickest way to determine if you have a future together. 
Keep your chin up and best of luck 👍

[foxfanazer]

7 hours ago, Steve_Guppy_Left_Foot said:

Quick update from me. Back at work but gone backwards quite a lot. Slept about 2 hours (cumulatively) in 6 nights last week and think some sort of psychosis came on before I got my hands on a lot of Valium and sleeping tablets which has since levelled me out a bit as I’ve slept. The over riding sense is one of absolute hopelessness though and feeling completely trapped. I’ve never felt this bad in my entire life and just a few weeks ago that was the case but I’m so much worse now. I feel like another breakdown is basically here and has been for a while and not sure how to navigate it, can’t think, sleep or eat without being massively drugged up on non prescribed drugs I’ve managed to get my hands on. Bleak.

Sorry to hear you're struggling buddy. What do you feel trapped by? 

 

You say "another breakdown" so I assume you've been through this before? What did you do to navigate through the last one and what would do you wish you'd have done last time. Keep making sure you're talking to someone mate and remember these feelings aren't permanent 

 

As always my inbox is open anytime you need a chat

[Steve_Guppy_Left_Foot]

On 19/01/2025 at 21:43, foxfanazer said:

Sorry to hear you're struggling buddy. What do you feel trapped by? 

 

You say "another breakdown" so I assume you've been through this before? What did you do to navigate through the last one and what would do you wish you'd have done last time. Keep making sure you're talking to someone mate and remember these feelings aren't permanent 

 

As always my inbox is open anytime you need a chat

Well fair to say hopefully this is rock bottom as I’ve been institutionalised. Fun stuff.

[jgtuk]

5 minutes ago, Steve_Guppy_Left_Foot said:

Well fair to say hopefully this is rock bottom as I’ve been institutionalised. Fun stuff.

Oh mate, I’m so sorry. 
Just stick with the treatment, this might be a new beginning for you. 
Best wishes. 

[foxfanazer]

7 minutes ago, Steve_Guppy_Left_Foot said:

Well fair to say hopefully this is rock bottom as I’ve been institutionalised. Fun stuff.

I'm sorry to hear that but I'm glad you're getting the help you need. Maybe this could be the start of something great for you 

[Zear0]

1 hour ago, Steve_Guppy_Left_Foot said:

Well fair to say hopefully this is rock bottom as I’ve been institutionalised. Fun stuff.

All the best sir.  We're here for any vents or things you need to get off your chest and hope you come out the better for it shortly.

Edited 29 January by Zear0

[Trav Le Bleu]

11 minutes ago, Steve_Guppy_Left_Foot said:

Well fair to say hopefully this is rock bottom as I’ve been institutionalised. Fun stuff.

As you say, hopefully the bottom and you're on the way back up. These places are there for a reason, but take care of yourself.

[chrishlcfc]

Just want to end it all, don’t think I’ve ever been as close to doing it. Just too scared to do it. 

[spacemunky]

4 hours ago, chrishlcfc said:

Just want to end it all, don’t think I’ve ever been as close to doing it. Just too scared to do it. 

I'm definitely not the person here to give you advice, but...I know the feeling.

 

Take care of yourself mate.