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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Strokes

Strokes

Posted
Posted
16 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

I went to a nightclub for amputees last night.

 

It was crawling with fanny.

I bet the bar takings were high, if they were all legless.

Milo

Milo

Posted
Posted
17 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

I went to a nightclub for amputees last night.

 

It was crawling with fanny.

Cost an arm and a leg to get in, though

Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted
20 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

I went to a nightclub for amputees last night.

 

It was crawling with fanny.

And some bloke got thrown out for arsing around

  • Haha 1
Buce

Buce

Posted
Posted (edited)

 

I can't see me and my new girlfriend lasting long, we're just too different.

 

She's more of a morning person, whereas I like to fvck her sister.

Edited by Buce
  • Haha 2
Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted
On 2/15/2017 at 19:09, Paddy. said:

Doctor doctor, I'm worried there's a problem with my testicles....

 

...This one is much bigger than the other two.

 

7 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

I think there's something wrong with my testicles.

 

One is bigger than the other two.

I prefer the original. And you were doing so well mate :D

  • Haha 1
Buce

Buce

Posted
Posted
2 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

 

I prefer the original. And you were doing so well mate :D

 

Fvck me, bro, that's over a year ago - gimme a break. lol

  • Like 1
  • Haha 1
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Izzy

Izzy

Posted
  • Popular Post
Posted

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me earlier that she was desperate for a roger.

 

It was only when I had my trousers around my ankles and my cock out that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out.

  • Like 1
  • Haha 8
The Quick Brown Fox

The Quick Brown Fox

Posted
Posted
12 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me earlier that she was desperate for a roger.

 

It was only when I had my trousers around my ankles and my cock out that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out.

I had Chinese takeaway for dinner. I called them and told them the chicken was rubbery,

 

The guy said tank you wewy much

 

(Years old I know)

  • Popular Post
Buce

Buce

Posted
  • Popular Post
Posted

How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID FVCKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE RUBBISH. IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF RUBBISH THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...what was the question again?

  • Haha 6
Beliall

Beliall

Posted
Posted
2 minutes ago, Buce said:

How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID FVCKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE RUBBISH. IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF RUBBISH THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...what was the question again?

you've met my mrs, clearly

Trav Le Bleu

Trav Le Bleu

Posted
Posted
38 minutes ago, Buce said:

How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID FVCKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE RUBBISH. IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF RUBBISH THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...what was the question again?

In the Bible, it says a menstruating woman should be shunned.

 

Which shows the wisdom of our Lord.

Buce

Buce

Posted
Posted

 

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them...

I did that and I feel much better, but I'm wondering...

Do I keep the letters?

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Buce

Buce

Posted
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Posted

 

Those Harry Potter films are a bit unrealistic if you ask me.

 

I mean, come on - a ginger kid with two friends?!

  • Haha 5
Buce

Buce

Posted
Posted (edited)

 

I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old.

It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two, then before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed, then for a stronger buzz, I moved onto ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin. I was a complete mess. I was skint and my body was ruined.

But fvck me, what a night.

Edited by Buce
  • Like 1
Beliall

Beliall

Posted
Posted
Just now, Buce said:

 

I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old.

It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two, then before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed, then for a stronger buzz, I moved onto ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin. I was a complete mess. I was skint and my body was ruined.

But **** me, what a night.

its funny coz its true

Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted

I had problems with septic piles last year and after a few weeks of arse scratching, decided to go to the doctors.

 

After a thorough examination he prescribed me some fearsome looking capsules and instructed me to place 1 a day up my back passage.

 

I dutifully did this every morning but the milkman kept treading on them.  

 

For all the good they did, I might as well have shoved them up my arse.

  • Haha 4
Milo

Milo

Posted
Posted

Who’s the coolest guy in the hospital?

 

 

The ultra sound guy...

 

 

Who’s the coolest guy when the ultra sound guy is away?

 

 

The hip replacement guy...

 

 

  • Haha 1
Buce

Buce

Posted
Posted
On 12/08/2015 at 20:05, Buce said:

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheburg..

 

On 19/01/2018 at 05:50, the fox said:

Q: How do you think the unthinkable?

A: With an itheberg.

 

1

 

5 minutes ago, Milo said:

How do you think the unthinkable...?

 

 

 

 

 

...With an ithe-berg

 

  • Haha 2
StanSP

StanSP

Posted
Posted
On 26/01/2007 at 13:36, seanfox778 said:

who is the coolest man in the hospital?

the ultra sound guy

:ph34r:

 

On 19/07/2009 at 17:08, Unabomber said:

Who is the coolest person to work in a hostpital?

The Ultra Sound guy!

And what do they do when he's ill?

Bring in the Hip Replacement guy.

 

22 minutes ago, Milo said:

Who’s the coolest guy in the hospital?

 

 

The ultra sound guy...

 

 

Who’s the coolest guy when the ultra sound guy is away?

 

 

The hip replacement guy...

 

 

just the 11 (or 9) years too late ;) 

Milo

Milo

Posted
Posted

Ffs... 

 

previous couple of pages maybe...but calling me out for something 9 (11) years ago..??!! :P

 

 

Thought they needed a reboot...

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