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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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the fox

the fox

Posted
Posted (edited)
12 minutes ago, Countryfox said:

 

lollollol ....     Nice one foxy ! ...   lets see if someone can find THAT one in the last 346 pages !!

 

(P.S.  Its a pretty shite joke mate ...)   

1

giving my track record, that's a compliment

 

I have plenty of great jokes but someone has to play the "unfunny guy" part. We can't all be heroes you know. Here is an original one!

 

What do you call an anorexic dog? a k-lite.

Edited by the fox
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Carl the Llama

Carl the Llama

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, the fox said:

giving my track record, that's a compliment

 

I have plenty of great jokes but someone has to play the "unfunny guy" part. We can't all be heroes you know. Here is an original one!

 

What do you call an anorexic dog? a k-lite.

That's Izzy's job pal, feel free to hit us with your best jokes ;) 

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woznotwos

woznotwos

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Posted

Doorbell rang last light and when I got up to answer it there's my mother-in-law sitting on the front step.

"Can I stay here for a few days?" She pleaded "What do you think I am, a heartless bastard?" I said "Sure you can."

Then I closed the door and went to bed..

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Countryfox

Countryfox

Posted
Posted
17 hours ago, the fox said:

See. i got jokes

 

Hmmm ...  not so sure about that Foxy ...   but anyway, moving on ....    here's one just for you ...   :)

 

One night, Mrs O'Mahrez answers the door to see her husband’s best friend, Paddy Slimani, standing on the doorstep.
“Hello Paddy, but where is Riyad? He went with you to the beer factory.”
Paddy shook his head. “Ah Mrs O'Mahrez, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory. Your husband fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned.”
Mrs O'Mahrez starts crying. “Oh, don’t tell me that ! ...   Did he at least go quickly?”
Paddy shakes his head. “Not really ...    he got out three times to have a pee!”

 

(And lets see if anyone can find THAT one in the last 346 pages !! ...)

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Facecloth

Facecloth

Posted
Posted
On 12/03/2018 at 16:14, Buce said:

One night, Mrs McMillen answers the door to see her husbands best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.

"Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory"

Paddy shook his head. "Ah Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned"

Mrs McMillen starts crying. "Oh don't tell me that, did he at least go quickly?"

Paddy shakes his head. "Not really - he got out 3 times to pee!"

 

5 minutes ago, Countryfox said:

 

Hmmm ...  not so sure about that Foxy ...   but anyway, moving on ....    here's one just for you ...   :)

 

One night, Mrs O'Mahrez answers the door to see her husband’s best friend, Paddy Slimani, standing on the doorstep.
“Hello Paddy, but where is Riyad? He went with you to the beer factory.”
Paddy shook his head. “Ah Mrs O'Mahrez, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory. Your husband fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned.”
Mrs O'Mahrez starts crying. “Oh, don’t tell me that ! ...   Did he at least go quickly?”
Paddy shakes his head. “Not really ...    he got out three times to have a pee!”

 

(And lets see if anyone can find THAT one in the last 346 pages !! ...)

 

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the fox

the fox

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Countryfox said:

 

Hmmm ...  not so sure about that Foxy ...   but anyway, moving on ....    here's one just for you ...   :)

 

One night, Mrs O'Mahrez answers the door to see her husband’s best friend, Paddy Slimani, standing on the doorstep.
“Hello Paddy, but where is Riyad? He went with you to the beer factory.”
Paddy shook his head. “Ah Mrs O'Mahrez, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory. Your husband fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned.”
Mrs O'Mahrez starts crying. “Oh, don’t tell me that ! ...   Did he at least go quickly?”
Paddy shakes his head. “Not really ...    he got out three times to have a pee!”

 

(And lets see if anyone can find THAT one in the last 346 pages !! ...)

He should've just pissed in the tank and continued drinking. He's well passed self-respect by now.

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Izzy

Izzy

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Recently when my elderly father was severely ill in hospital, we couldn't remember what his blood group was.

 

But it was lovely to hear his last dying words words telling us all to be positive.

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Shambles

Shambles

Posted
Posted

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

 

Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." 

 

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

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Buce

Buce

Posted
Posted (edited)

A penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the engine, so he drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat, but having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. Eventually, he clears the dish and goes back to the gas station to see if the mechanic has found the problem. As he walks in, the mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."

"Nah",  the penguin replies, "I've just been eating an ice cream."

Edited by Buce
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Carl the Llama

Carl the Llama

Posted
Posted
19 minutes ago, Buce said:

A penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the engine, so he drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat, but having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. Eventually, he clears the dish and goes back to the gas station to see if the mechanic has found the problem. As he walks in, the mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."

"Nah",  the penguin replies, "I've just been eating an ice cream."

TylGZbm.gif

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Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted
33 minutes ago, Buce said:

A penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the engine, so he drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat, but having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. Eventually, he clears the dish and goes back to the gas station to see if the mechanic has found the problem. As he walks in, the mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."

"Nah",  the penguin replies, "I've just been eating an ice cream."

Image result for shaking head gif

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