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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Izzy

Izzy

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On 10/26/2017 at 20:05, Izzy Muzzett said:

I was blessed with a 12 inch knob.

 

The priest is still in jail...

 

7 minutes ago, cambridgefox said:

I was blessed with a 9” penis.

 

Think the priest ended up in jail though.

Those three inches made all the difference though :o

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Beliall

Beliall

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Posted

Two women go out one night without their husbands.

They go to a bar, have a chat along with a couple of drinks and then head back home.

On the way home one of them turns to the other and says:

“Sorry, but I need to go to a toilet. Can we stop for a minute?”

The other looks at her and replies “I also have to go there, but where can we go in the middle of the street?”

“Oh, look, there is a cemetery over there we can go there.”

“Yes, but how are we going to wipe?”

“I’m just going to use my underwear and throw it out.”

Her friend however, was wearing her favorite (and rather expensive knickers) and didn’t want to ruin them. So she elected to take a wreath off a nearby grave and use that.And so they went home.

The next day the husband of one was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was hungover and still in bed, so he phoned the other.

“Do you know where our wives went last night? Because mine came back home with no underwear.”

“Well you are luckier than me, my wife came home with a ribbon in her butt and on the ribbon it was written: ‘From all of us at the Fire Station. We’ll never forget you.’ ”

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Alf Bentley

Alf Bentley

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8 hours ago, Durnerz said:

PIcked up a copy of the bible yesterday and I’m currently halfway through the book of Genesis...

 

...still no mention of Phil Collins.

 

Phil Collins comes into the story right at the end of the book.

 

To summarise: God is a really hard-working bloke. Over the course of six days he creates the heaven and the earth. He orders light into existence, then land in the middle of the oceans. He then moves on to get grass and seeds and stuff to grow, divides night from day and establishes the seasons, fills the air with birds and the sea with fish and the land with animals....you get the gist. Then he creates mankind in his own image and puts the humans in charge of all the other creatures - and he reckons he's done a pretty good week's work, which is hard to argue with, as I'm sure you'll agree. So, on the seventh day, quite reasonably, he feels entitled to a rest. But while he's having his kip, in sneaks Satan and creates that cvnt Phil Collins.

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Trav Le Bleu

Trav Le Bleu

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2 hours ago, Countryfox said:

And another new one !! (well 2 actually) ......   bout time he changed them ...   

 

 

IMG_0251.jpg

I wonder if the other patrons of the pub ever wonder what you're taking photos of in the toilet cubicle?

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Vince Vega

Vince Vega

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Laura was forty, married, still sexually active and the mother of three strapping boys – each weighing 9lbs plus at birth.  Whilst she was happy in life generally, she was far from happy with the damage done to her nether region.  Her fanny was as crooked and gaping as a stately home fire place and she was constantly having to tuck her labia lips into her knickers.  For most of the time, sex was like chucking a sausage down an entry and so her husband, Malcolm, offered to pay for cosmetic surgery for the vaginal equivalent of a facelift.  Laura gladly accepted the offer and two weeks later she went under the knife.

 

She woke blurry eyed from the surgery and noticed a nurse in the room with her.  She also noticed that there were 3 vases of flowers too and so asked the nurse where they had come from.

The first, she said, was from the surgeon as a thank you, as he said this was his finest work ever – sculpture Michaelangelo would have been proud of.  The second, she said, was from her husband, who said he couldn’t wait to try out the new punanni – likening it to having the opportunity to play on the Wembley turf after years of messing around in non-league football.

 

“And the third?” Laura asked.  “Oh, they are from Mr Robinson, in the burns unit” the nurse replied.  “He wanted to thank you for his new ears”…….

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Countryfox

Countryfox

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2 hours ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

I wonder if the other patrons of the pub ever wonder what you're taking photos of in the toilet cubicle?

 

46 minutes ago, Strokes said:

Other patrons?

 

Quite right strokes ...  there is never anyone in when I arrive ...   I asked the barman once and he said something about well it was quite full a while a go and then someone saw you truck pulling up ...       very strange ? ...   very strange indeed ??    :huh:

 

 

IMG_0253.jpg

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Izzy

Izzy

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A few years ago when on a lads holiday in Tenerife, a mate of ours was run over by a car and ended up in hospital.

 

All of us went to visit him and he was in a critical condition so we all crowded round his bed encouraging him to "get well soon" etc.

 

I felt a hand clutch my arm by a patient in the next bed, he was mouthing some words and gasping at me in a foreign language I didn't understand.

 

"Here, get him to write on this pad" suggested one of the lads, so he snatched the pen and pad off me, and scribbled furiously on it.

 

He looked in some distress by now and we tried to decipher the words he had written but none of us could, it was definitely not Spanish as a couple of us could read Spanish.

 

He eventually collapsed and subsequently died in front of us all, which was very distressing.

 

It turned out he was from Czechoslovakia so we took the pad with the writing to the local Czech consulate and asked the consul to translate.

 

"Very strange" he mused. It says “You are standing on my fvcking oxygen pipe”.

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Izzy

Izzy

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36 minutes ago, foxfanazer said:

My mate reckons he always cries after sex. 

 

Mind you, he is in prison....

I had a brief spell in prison a few years ago and was put in a cell with a 6ft 6" monster. On my first night he said "You're in luck, its' games night tonight and we're playing Mummy's and Daddy's. As you're new, you can decide which you want to be"

 

Well I'm not daft, so of course I told him I wanted to be Daddy.

 

He replied "O.K. then Daddy, get over here and suck Mummy's cock"

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Durnerz

Durnerz

Posted
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2 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I had a brief spell in prison a few years ago and was put in a cell with a 6ft 6" monster. On my first night he said "You're in luck, its' games night tonight and we're playing Mummy's and Daddy's. As you're new, you can decide which you want to be"

 

Well I'm not daft, so of course I told him I wanted to be Daddy.

 

He replied "O.K. then Daddy, get over here and suck Mummy's cock"


A friend of mine went to prison for rape..

His Cell Mate didn't disappoint.

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