The joke thread

[Trav Le Bleu]

I got nicked for shoplifting at the local supermarket the other day.

 

Turns out their Range Eggs aren't as "free" as they advertise.

[TheLittleBigMan]

Parachute for sale: Never opened, small stain.

Edited 20 April 2018 by TheLittleBigMan

[Alf Bentley]

On 4/18/2018 at 20:56, Trav Le Bleu said:

I got nicked for shoplifting at the local supermarket the other day.

 

Turns out their Range Eggs aren't as "free" as they advertise.

 

I feel your pain. I was banged up on a treason charge in South Africa a few years back, just for walking off with my Free Nelson Mandela.

[Vince Vega]

Pinched from Chris Evans breakfast show on Radio 2 this morning:

 

A champion winning racehorse walks into a bar in Blackpool for a drink and a bit of down time.  Next to him was a donkey from the local beach, who was on his lunch break.  The pair got talking, as you do, and the racehorse invites the donkey back to his pad for something to eat.  Whilst the racehorse is preparing the food, the donkey has a bit of a nose round and sees photos on the wall of the racehorse's victories.  There he was in his full glory, winning races such as The Oaks, 1000 Guineas Stakes, 2000 Guineas Stakes, The Derby, St Leger etc.  The donkey begins to feel very much inferior to the racehorse and so hatches a plan to impress the racehorse, when he returns the favour and invites the racehorse for lunch the next day.

 

That afternoon, the donkey nips over to the local zoo, looking for inspiration.  After looking around for a while, he finally takes a picture of a Zebra.  He rushes back home and after much photo shopping, enlarging and printing, he produces a picture himself as a Zebra and hangs it on the wall, ready for the next day.

 

The next lunchtime, the racehorse arrives at the donkey's tiny shed and immediately notices the photo on the wall.  "What's this all about?" asks the racehorse.  "Oh that" says the donkey.  "That was when I used to play for Juventus!".......       

[Buce]

1 hour ago, Vince Vega said:

Pinched from Chris Evans breakfast show on Radio 2 this morning:

 

A champion winning racehorse walks into a bar in Blackpool for a drink and a bit of down time.  Next to him was a donkey from the local beach, who was on his lunch break.  The pair got talking, as you do, and the racehorse invites the donkey back to his pad for something to eat.  Whilst the racehorse is preparing the food, the donkey has a bit of a nose round and sees photos on the wall of the racehorse's victories.  There he was in his full glory, winning races such as The Oaks, 1000 Guineas Stakes, 2000 Guineas Stakes, The Derby, St Leger etc.  The donkey begins to feel very much inferior to the racehorse and so hatches a plan to impress the racehorse, when he returns the favour and invites the racehorse for lunch the next day.

 

That afternoon, the donkey nips over to the local zoo, looking for inspiration.  After looking around for a while, he finally takes a picture of a Zebra.  He rushes back home and after much photo shopping, enlarging and printing, he produces a picture himself as a Zebra and hangs it on the wall, ready for the next day.

 

The next lunchtime, the racehorse arrives at the donkey's tiny shed and immediately notices the photo on the wall.  "What's this all about?" asks the racehorse.  "Oh that" says the donkey.  "That was when I used to play for Juventus!".......       

 

The horse was a fvcking liar - the Oaks and 1000 Guineas is only open to fillies...

 

#inbefore@MattP

[Guest MattP]

3 minutes ago, Buce said:

The horse was a fvcking liar - the Oaks and 1000 Guineas is only open to fillies...

 

#inbefore@MattP

Genuinely impressed with the racing knowledge there Buce.

[Buce]

39 minutes ago, MattP said:

Genuinely impressed with the racing knowledge there Buce.

 

I play my cards very close to my chest, Matt.

Edited 20 April 2018 by Buce

[Trav Le Bleu]

2 hours ago, Vince Vega said:

Pinched from Chris Evans breakfast show on Radio 2 this morning:

 

A champion winning racehorse walks into a bar in Blackpool for a drink and a bit of down time.  Next to him was a donkey from the local beach, who was on his lunch break.  The pair got talking, as you do, and the racehorse invites the donkey back to his pad for something to eat.  Whilst the racehorse is preparing the food, the donkey has a bit of a nose round and sees photos on the wall of the racehorse's victories.  There he was in his full glory, winning races such as The Oaks, 1000 Guineas Stakes, 2000 Guineas Stakes, The Derby, St Leger etc.  The donkey begins to feel very much inferior to the racehorse and so hatches a plan to impress the racehorse, when he returns the favour and invites the racehorse for lunch the next day.

 

That afternoon, the donkey nips over to the local zoo, looking for inspiration.  After looking around for a while, he finally takes a picture of a Zebra.  He rushes back home and after much photo shopping, enlarging and printing, he produces a picture himself as a Zebra and hangs it on the wall, ready for the next day.

 

The next lunchtime, the racehorse arrives at the donkey's tiny shed and immediately notices the photo on the wall.  "What's this all about?" asks the racehorse.  "Oh that" says the donkey.  "That was when I used to play for Juventus!".......       

Notts  County

 

[Trav Le Bleu]

40 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

The horse was a fvcking liar - the Oaks and 1000 Guineas is only open to fillies...

 

#inbefore@MattP

 

36 minutes ago, MattP said:

Genuinely impressed with the racing knowledge there Buce.

Maybe it was the Caster Semenya of racehorses?

[Vince Vega]

1 hour ago, Buce said:

 

The horse was a fvcking liar - the Oaks and 1000 Guineas is only open to fillies...

 

#inbefore@MattP

I think it's more like my ignorance of horse racing, coupled with not letting details get in the way of a good story!

[Buce]

Just now, Vince Vega said:

I think it's more like my ignorance of horse racing, coupled with not letting details get in the way of a good story!

 

Yeah, I'm a pedantic git.

[Vince Vega]

1 hour ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

Notts  County

 

Do you really think Notts County would impress a racehorse? 

[Vince Vega]

2 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

Yeah, I'm a pedantic git.

what do you mean by pedantic? 

[Buce]

2 minutes ago, Vince Vega said:

what do you mean by pedantic? 

 

http://www.dictionary.com/browse/pedantic

[Vince Vega]

2 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

http://www.dictionary.com/browse/pedantic

That was my point.  i was being pedantic asking what do you mean by pedantic.

[Buce]

Just now, Vince Vega said:

That was my point.  i was being pedantic asking what do you mean by pedantic.

 

[Izzy]

I saw a movie last night about beavers making homes in their natural habitat. 

 

It was the best dam film I've ever seen.

[Strokes]

15 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I saw a movie last night about beavers making homes in their natural habitat. 

 

It was the best dam film I've ever seen.

Logout please.

 

[Alf Bentley]

3 minutes ago, Strokes said:

Logout please.

 

 

I'm sorry, Mr. Strokes, the Emergency Constipation Extraction Squad is currently busy dealing with other customers.

[Buce]

 

I think the toothbrush must have been invented in Norfolk.

 

Anywhere else and it would have been called a teethbrush.

[Buce]

 

A while back I read that a banana a day keeps your colon clean.

 

I wish it had said that you have to eat them.

[Buce]

 

One for @Alf Bentley

 

My hallucinating isn't getting any better - I just thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird.

 

I think I've taken a tern for the wurst.....

[Izzy]

I used to dread walking under horse chestnut trees in the autumn..

 

But after years of therapy..

 

I've managed to conker it.

[Countryfox]

3 hours ago, Buce said:

 

The horse was a fvcking liar - the Oaks and 1000 Guineas is only open to fillies...

 

#inbefore@MattP

 

I don’t actually believe the horse could speak ...   pure fantasy ...  

[Webbo]

2 minutes ago, Countryfox said:

 

I don’t actually believe the horse could speak ...   pure fantasy ...  

You obviously never saw this documentry from the 60s?