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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted

My wife is having some problems with breastfeeding so I phoned up the Doctors to make an appointment for her. 

 

"Is this her first baby?" enquired the receptionist.

 

"No, it's her husband," I replied.

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Beliall

Beliall

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3 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

My wife is having some problems with breastfeeding so I phoned up the Doctors to make an appointment for her. 

 

"Is this her first baby?" enquired the receptionist.

 

"No, it's her husband," I replied.

dad jokes

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Countryfox

Countryfox

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Taffy walks into his bedroom one night with a sheep under his arm. He looks to his wife who's laying in the bed reading and says, "I just wanted you to see for yourself, the pig I gotta screw every time you've gotta damn headache!"

The wife peers over her reading glasses in disgust and replies, "You idiot! That's not a pig, it's a sheep!"

"Shut up woman, I wuz talkin" to the sheep!"

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Countryfox

Countryfox

Posted
Posted (edited)

Arnold the Derby fan is walking his dog one day, when he sees an old lamp. He bends down to pick it up, and starts to rub it to clean it. Suddenly, a genie appears, and says, "I am the economy-price genie ! ...   I grant but one wish". Arnold thinks for a while, and then says, "Ok, make my dog Nuge, win Crufts." The genie looks at Nuge and says, "Don't be stupid, look at the thing. It's mangy, it's got fleas, it's got a bit missing from one ear, it limps and it smells. I might be a genie, but I'm not a miracle worker." "All right then," says Arnold, "Make Derby County get promoted to the Premier League this season !!"  The genie stops for a moment, then says, "Let's have another look at that dog ...  ".    :)

 
Edited by Countryfox
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Izzy

Izzy

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I went to the bank with the missus today and we opened a shared bank account specifically for buying weed.

 

It'll be our joint account.

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Beliall

Beliall

Posted
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12 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I went to the bank with the missus today and we opened a shared bank account specifically for buying weed.

 

It'll be our joint account.

dude i honestly thought you hit the lowest point with the pop joke. ****ing hell

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Izzy

Izzy

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I'm not saying my wife is thick, but last Christmas she was waiting by the front door as the binmen pulled up.

 

One by one she had sex with them and finally it was the drivers turn - but she gave him £20 instead.

 

Disappointed, he asked “What's this for?”

 

"For Christmas" she replied. "My husband said just give the driver £20 and fvck the rest of them"

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DJ Barry Hammond

DJ Barry Hammond

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18 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I'm not saying my wife is thick, but last Christmas she was waiting by the front door as the binmen pulled up.

 

One by one she had sex with them and finally it was the drivers turn - but she gave him £20 instead.

 

Disappointed, he asked “What's this for?”

 

"For Christmas" she replied. "My husband said just give the driver £20 and fvck the rest of them"

 

Aye, that was a good day!

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Countryfox

Countryfox

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A blonde walks into a shop and says to the shopkeeper, 'can i buy a microwave?'

The shopkeeper replies, 'I dont sell to blondes'

The blonde was annoyed, so decided to take action....

She died her brown....

She walked into the shop and says to the shopkeeper, 'can i buy a microwave?'

The shopkeeper replies, 'I dont sell to blondes'

So the blonde now comes up with another plan. She gets a facelift, dies her red, gets a fake tan and walks into the shop and says to the shopkeeper, 'can i buy a microwave?'

The shopkeeper replies, 'I dont sell to blondes'

The blonde says 'How do you know I'm blonde...?'

The shopkeepers replies 'This is a TV Shop!'

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Countryfox

Countryfox

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A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, how much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about £50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realise that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it? The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50.00 and handed it to her.     "And by the way," the Blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus' ...    :)

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Carl the Llama

Carl the Llama

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Posted

Ah blondes.  Probably told this one before but anyway:

 

There are 3 blondes out for a woodland stroll when they come across a set of tracks so they stop to figure out which animal left them.  The first and least intelligent one declares "I reckon these are from a bird of some kind".  To which the second, slightly more intelligent blonde responds "that's dumb, they're clearly mammalian tracks, I saw a fox scampering through the undergrowth a few minutes ago, these might be from him or one of his fox buddies".  Finally the 3rd and cleverest blonde chimes in with "well you're right it's definitely a mammal, but looking at the spacing they're clearly too far apart to be something the size of a fox, I'd suggest these were left by a fully grown deer".  That's when they were hit by the train.

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Tielemans63

Tielemans63

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A kung fu student asks his teacher "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated."

 

The kung fu master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings glistening like flames?"

 

"Yes, my master, I have."

 

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

 

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

 

"And the moon... when it touches the calm water to reflect all its infinite beauty?"

 

"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."

 

"Then there is your problem, my son. You keep watching all this shit instead of doing some ****ing training."

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Tielemans63

Tielemans63

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A patient walks into A&E with two black eyes, broken teeth and blood pouring from his nose.

 

Doctor: "Oh my God. How did this happen? "

 

Patient: "Well, I was banging my neighbour over her kitchen table when we hear the front door open."

 

Doctor: "Then what happened?"


Patient: "Well then she shouts "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!!"


"Thinking back, I probably should have ran, but you don't get an offer like that every day."

Edited by Paddy.
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Tuna

Tuna

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2 minutes ago, Paddy. said:

A patient walks into A&E with two black eyes, broken teeth and blood pouring from his nose.

 

Doctor: "Oh my God. How did this happen? "

 

Patient: "Well, I was banging my neighbour over her kitchen table when we hear the front door open."

 

Doctor: "Then what happened?"


Patient: "Well then she shouts "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!!"


"Thinking back, I probably should have ran, but you don't get an offer like that every day."

You're on fire tonight! 

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