The joke thread

[Izzy]

A man says to the widow at her husbands funeral, "Do you mind if I say a few words?"

 

She says, "Yes, of course you can".

 

So he stands up and says "To have not died" and sits back down.

 

She says "Thanks, he would have loved that"

[Izzy]

What did the Pirate say when he turned 80?

 

"Aye matey"

[Parafox]

1 hour ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

What did the Pirate say when he turned 80?

 

"Aye matey"

Edited 28 May 2018 by Parafox

[Izzy]

Another man goes to a funeral and he says to the widow of the deceased “Do you mind if I say a few words?”

 

She says “Yes, of course you can”

 

So he stands up and says “Plethora” and then sits back down.

 

The widow turns to him and says “Thanks, that means a lot”

[Beliall]

21 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

Another man goes to a funeral and he says to the widow of the deceased “Do you mind if I say a few words?”

 

She says “Yes, of course you can”

 

So he stands up and says “Plethora” and then sits back down.

 

The widow turns to him and says “Thanks, that means a lot”

ffs izzy  

[davieG]

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Izzy.
Izzy who?
Izzy more than you can handle?

 

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Izzy!
Izzy who?
Izzy come, Izzy go!

[Facecloth]

48 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

Another man goes to a funeral and he says to the widow of the deceased “Do you mind if I say a few words?”

 

She says “Yes, of course you can”

 

So he stands up and says “Plethora” and then sits back down.

 

The widow turns to him and says “Thanks, that means a lot”

Mods, have a word! 

[Izzy]

So anyway, this other man walks into a funeral and asks the widow if he might say a word. 

 

“By all means”, she says. 

 

So he stands up and says "bargain" and then sits back down. 

 

“Thanks”, says the widow. “That means a great deal”

[Beliall]

8 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

So anyway, this other man walks into a funeral and asks the widow if he might say a word. 

 

“By all means”, she says. 

 

So he stands up and says "bargain" and then sits back down. 

 

“Thanks”, says the widow. “That means a great deal”

if you're hinting you want me to come to your funeral and say that, i will

[Buce]

39 minutes ago, Beliall said:

if you're hinting you want me to come to your funeral and say that, i will

 

Many more jokes like these and it may come sooner than he thinks...

[Izzy]

A different fella goes to the same funeral and he says to the widow “Do you mind if I also get up and say something?”

 

”Of course” she replied

 

So he stands up, says “Earth” and then sits back down again.

 

”Thank you” says the widow. “That means the world to me”

[Beliall]

Buce goes to izzys funeral, asks to say a few words

he gets up and says "void"

izzys widow slaps him and says, that meant nothing to me

[Izzy]

6 minutes ago, Beliall said:

Buce goes to izzys funeral, asks to say a few words

he gets up and says "void"

izzys widow slaps him and says, that meant nothing to me

[Izzy]

12 minutes ago, Beliall said:

Buce goes to izzys funeral, asks to say a few words

he gets up and says "void"

izzys widow slaps him and says, that meant nothing to me

Buce goes to Belialls funeral and asks to say a few words.

 

He gets up and says "Oh, Vienna".

 

Bellials widow slaps him and says "This means nothing to me"

[Nalis]

3 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

Another man goes to a funeral and he says to the widow of the deceased “Do you mind if I say a few words?”

 

She says “Yes, of course you can”

 

So he stands up and says “Plethora” and then sits back down.

 

The widow turns to him and says “Thanks, that means a lot”

 

I laughed more at this than I should have...

[Filbert_Ross]

I just bought myself a new blindfold, can’t see myself wearing it though.

[Izzy]

I feel really sorry for the dwarf family next door.

 

They're really struggling to put food on the table.

[Izzy]

This sunny afternoon the wife tried to make me have sex with her on the bonnet of her Honda Civic - but I refused.

 

If I'm going to have sex with her, it's going to be on my own Accord.

[Strokes]

Ban imminent surely!

[Guest]

11 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

Another man goes to a funeral and he says to the widow of the deceased “Do you mind if I say a few words?”

 

She says “Yes, of course you can”

 

So he stands up and says “Plethora” and then sits back down.

 

The widow turns to him and says “Thanks, that means a lot”

We need a new emoticon rep option to properly get across the level of eye rolling you're causing here ?

[Izzy]

Our eyes met across the candlelit table. She looked so beautiful. I felt my knees go weak, my heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies.

 

That's when I realised I'd drugged the wrong glass.

[Buce]

7 minutes ago, Strokes said:

Ban overdue surely!

 

[Izzy]

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

 

You can't tell me that's just a coincidence...

[Beliall]

 

[Wortho]

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Ive got Alzheimers

Cheese on toast