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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Izzy

Izzy

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 A recent survey revealed that 90% of men don't know how to turn the dishwasher on.

 

I find that licking her nipples and a light fingering usually does the trick.

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Izzy

Izzy

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I went to see a psychiatrist today about my obsession with sex.

 

He said, "I'm going to show you a picture. Tell me the first words that come into your head"

 

I said "Tits, pussy and arse"

 

He said "FFS, let me get the picture out first"

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Buce

Buce

Posted
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7 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

My pet mouse Elvis died today.

 

He was caught in a trap.

 

1 minute ago, Carl the Llama said:

But Iz it's a pet mouse so unless you're putting traps in its cage there would be no reason for it to encounter one...

 

I'm starting to think you made the whole thing up, Izzy.

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Izzy

Izzy

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33 minutes ago, Carl the Llama said:

But Iz it's a pet mouse so unless you're putting traps in its cage there would be no reason for it to encounter one...

 

30 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

 

I'm starting to think you made the whole thing up, Izzy.

 

24 minutes ago, davieG said:

It's a ****ing joke what people can get away with these days.

 

11 minutes ago, Carl the Llama said:

Yeah I definitely smell a rat.

Image result for disappointed gif

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Izzy

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My wife's been reported missing for over a week now, so the police came round earlier and told me to prepare for the worst.

 

So I nipped down the charity shop and got all her clothes back.

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Izzy

Izzy

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I was sitting watching MOTD the other week, when the wife came in and said "Fancy a shag?"

 

I said "After the football love"

 

She said "You know you can record it don't you?"

 

I said "Nice, you get the camcorder and I'll be up when the footy finishes"

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Buce

Buce

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3 minutes ago, egg_fried_rice said:

I cannot believe nobody has found a cure for anorexia yet.

I thought it would be a piece of cake.

 

On 17/07/2018 at 20:18, Buce said:

 

I'm amazed no one has come up with a cure for anorexia.

 

It's a piece of cake.

 

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Buce

Buce

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Posted (edited)

 

Spurs have passed on an overdue electricity bill of over £5,000 to former manager Avram Grant Harry Redknapp.

 

Apparently, he was the last man in the trophy room and he left the light on.

Edited by Buce
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Facecloth

Facecloth

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52 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

Spurs have passed on an overdue electricity bill of over £5,000 to former manager Avram Grant.

 

Apparently, he was the last man in the trophy room and he left the light on.

Grant was never Spurs manager was he?

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Buce

Buce

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Posted (edited)
6 minutes ago, Facecloth said:

Grant was never Spurs manager was he?

 

Do you know what, mate, I think you're right - it was a copy and paste job and I didn't check.

 

Edit: AG was the manager of the team they beat (Chelsea) to win their last trophy.

 

It should have read Redknapp - good spot!

Edited by Buce
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Facecloth

Facecloth

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18 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

Do you know what, mate, I think you're right - it was a copy and paste job and I didn't check.

 

Edit: AG was the manager of the team they beat (Chelsea) to win their last trophy.

 

It should have read Redknapp - good spot!

Is that why Redknapp is in the jungle, to get the money to pay the bill?

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Buce

Buce

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13 minutes ago, Facecloth said:

I'm a celeb?

 

I was joking he was only doing it to get the money to pay the electric bill.

 

Oh, ok. 

 

I didn’t realize he was on the celebrity thing (or that it has anything to do with a jungle, for that matter). 

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