The joke thread

[Izzy]

 A recent survey revealed that 90% of men don't know how to turn the dishwasher on.

 

I find that licking her nipples and a light fingering usually does the trick.

[Izzy]

I went to see a psychiatrist today about my obsession with sex.

 

He said, "I'm going to show you a picture. Tell me the first words that come into your head"

 

I said "Tits, pussy and arse"

 

He said "FFS, let me get the picture out first"

[Izzy]

My pet mouse Elvis died today.

 

He was caught in a trap.

[Carl the Llama]

1 minute ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

My pet mouse Elvis died today.

 

He was caught in a trap.

But Iz it's a pet mouse so unless you're putting traps in its cage there would be no reason for it to encounter one...

[Buce]

7 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

My pet mouse Elvis died today.

 

He was caught in a trap.

 

1 minute ago, Carl the Llama said:

But Iz it's a pet mouse so unless you're putting traps in its cage there would be no reason for it to encounter one...

 

I'm starting to think you made the whole thing up, Izzy.

[davieG]

4 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

 

I'm starting to think you made the whole thing up, Izzy.

It's a ****ing joke what people can get away with these days.

[Carl the Llama]

13 minutes ago, davieG said:

It's a ****ing joke what people can get away with these days.

Yeah I definitely smell a rat.

[Izzy]

33 minutes ago, Carl the Llama said:

But Iz it's a pet mouse so unless you're putting traps in its cage there would be no reason for it to encounter one...

 

30 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

 

I'm starting to think you made the whole thing up, Izzy.

 

24 minutes ago, davieG said:

It's a ****ing joke what people can get away with these days.

 

11 minutes ago, Carl the Llama said:

Yeah I definitely smell a rat.

[Izzy]

My wife's been reported missing for over a week now, so the police came round earlier and told me to prepare for the worst.

 

So I nipped down the charity shop and got all her clothes back.

[Izzy]

I was sitting watching MOTD the other week, when the wife came in and said "Fancy a shag?"

 

I said "After the football love"

 

She said "You know you can record it don't you?"

 

I said "Nice, you get the camcorder and I'll be up when the footy finishes"

[egg_fried_rice]

Why does Harry Potter confuse his cooking pot with his best mate?

They're both cauldron.

[egg_fried_rice]

I've decided that as of the 1st of January 2019 I will only watch movies and TV in 1080p.

It's my new year resolution.

[egg_fried_rice]

I cannot believe nobody has found a cure for anorexia yet.

I thought it would be a piece of cake.

[Buce]

3 minutes ago, egg_fried_rice said:

I cannot believe nobody has found a cure for anorexia yet.

I thought it would be a piece of cake.

 

On 17/07/2018 at 20:18, Buce said:

 

I'm amazed no one has come up with a cure for anorexia.

 

It's a piece of cake.

 

[Alf Bentley]

 

He's having your cake and eating it, @Buce. You can't allow him to cherry-pick jokes like that!

[Buce]

18 minutes ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

He's having your cake and eating it, @Buce. 

 

Fun fact: 

 

The Italian version of that idiom is, ‘You can’t have a full barrel and a drunken wife’. 

 

 

[Buce]

 

Spurs have passed on an overdue electricity bill of over £5,000 to former manager Avram Grant Harry Redknapp.

 

Apparently, he was the last man in the trophy room and he left the light on.

Edited 23 November 2018 by Buce

[Jimothy]

52 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

Spurs have passed on an overdue electricity bill of over £5,000 to former manager Avram Grant.

 

Apparently, he was the last man in the trophy room and he left the light on.

Grant was never Spurs manager was he?

[Guest MattP]

3 minutes ago, Facecloth said:

Grant was never Spurs manager was he?

 Beat me to it.

[Buce]

6 minutes ago, Facecloth said:

Grant was never Spurs manager was he?

 

Do you know what, mate, I think you're right - it was a copy and paste job and I didn't check.

 

Edit: AG was the manager of the team they beat (Chelsea) to win their last trophy.

 

It should have read Redknapp - good spot!

Edited 23 November 2018 by Buce

[Jimothy]

18 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

Do you know what, mate, I think you're right - it was a copy and paste job and I didn't check.

 

Edit: AG was the manager of the team they beat (Chelsea) to win their last trophy.

 

It should have read Redknapp - good spot!

Is that why Redknapp is in the jungle, to get the money to pay the bill?

[Buce]

10 minutes ago, Facecloth said:

Is that why Redknapp is in the jungle, to get the money to pay the bill?

 

What am I missing here?

 

Why is Redknapp in the jungle?

[Max Wall]

24 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

What am I missing here?

 

Why is Redknapp in the jungle?

Redknapp is in the jungle? The Northern terrace at Celtic Park? Why?

[Jimothy]

1 hour ago, Buce said:

 

What am I missing here?

 

Why is Redknapp in the jungle?

I'm a celeb?

 

I was joking he was only doing it to get the money to pay the electric bill.

[Buce]

13 minutes ago, Facecloth said:

I'm a celeb?

 

I was joking he was only doing it to get the money to pay the electric bill.

 

Oh, ok. 

 

I didn’t realize he was on the celebrity thing (or that it has anything to do with a jungle, for that matter).