The joke thread

[Izzy]

5 minutes ago, egg_fried_rice said:

What's the best way to annoy Count Dracula?

 

Make him a little cross.

[egg_fried_rice]

1 hour ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

 

Fangs

[Alf Bentley]

47 minutes ago, egg_fried_rice said:

 

Fangs

 

That's OK, Blud.

[TiffToff88]

What do ghosts drink?

 

Maliboo

[Alf Bentley]

6 minutes ago, TiffToff88 said:

What do ghosts drink?

 

Maliboo

 

They prefer to jump into a Rolls Royce Phantom and stick some Phil Spectre on the car radio, though...

[Tinman]

If I'm ever on life support, unplug me... Then plug me back in, see if that works.

[sylofox]

I went to pick my costume up Wednesday morning. 

The assistant gives me a spurs shirt. 

 

I said you must have miss heard me I want to be a count. 

[The Bear]

If you want to try and imagine my penis, you're going to have to think long and hard.

[The Bear]

My wife left me when I threw her wheelchair out.... I'm not worried, she'll come crawling back.

[The Bear]

I know a transgender sandwich maker. They are part of the BLT brigade.

[TiffToff88]

23 minutes ago, The Bear said:

If you want to try and imagine my penis, you're going to have to think long and hard.

 

20 minutes ago, The Bear said:

My wife left me when I threw her wheelchair out.... I'm not worried, she'll come crawling back.

 

19 minutes ago, The Bear said:

I know a transgender sandwich maker. They are part of the BLT brigade.

 

[sylofox]

2 hours ago, TiffToff88 said:

 

 

 

Now we know why they won't let him on a wolves forum. 

[The Bear]

You all must hate Stu Francis then cos they're his jokes. 

[Trav Le Bleu]

As far as I'm concerned, the guy who invented auto-correct can burn in hello!

[Aus Fox]

I thought the answering the door naked would deter trick or treaters this year, but as I write this two more dressed as policemen are knocking on my door...

[stretch1965]

Dire Straits are looking for an agent in the Middle East. 

 

They should check out Qatar George...

He knows all the Kurds.

[Carl the Llama]

11 hours ago, The Bear said:

You all must hate Stu Francis then cos they're his jokes. 

Never heard of him but yeah, probably.

[Izzy]

2 hours ago, stretch1965 said:

Dire Straits are looking for an agent in the Middle East. 

 

They should check out Qatar George...

He knows all the Kurds.

I heard Dire Straits were forming a new group with Chris Rea. 

No idea what they’ll call themselves but ‘Chris Straights’ sounds a bit poo.

[ozleicester]

47 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I heard Dire Straits were forming a new group with Chris Rea. 

No idea what they’ll call themselves but ‘Chris Straights’ sounds a bit poo.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.  

[Facecloth]

54 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I heard Dire Straits were forming a new group with Chris Rea. 

No idea what they’ll call themselves but ‘Chris Straights’ sounds a bit poo.

I heard the shock news today that Tess Daly was leaving Vernon Kay to marry former Big Brother contestant Jon Tickle. It's not been confirmed if she'll take his last name.

[sylofox]

SSN appeal to customers. 

If your letting off fireworks can you please record them and email it in ASAP. It seems they don't expect any on tomorrow's MNF. 

[Aus Fox]

My wife was asked to say four things about me. I couldn’t believe what she said so I wrote it down.

1. I’m perfect

2. I’m polite

3. I’m mature

4. I don’t know how to use apostrophes.

[Aus Fox]

I have just paid $25 for two venison legs.

 

my wife said that’s two dear!

[RoboFox]

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed, when suddenly the wife stops upon seeing herself in the bedroom mirror. 

 

"Oh, look at me..." she says, "my arse is huge, my boobs are sagging, I have huge thighs, bingo wings, and wrinkles!" 

 

She turns to her husband. "Please, darling. I need to feel better, tell me something nice about myself!" 

 

He looks up: "Of course, honey..." 

 

"Your eyesight is perfect."

[Captain...]

1 hour ago, Aus Fox said:

I have just paid $25 for two venison legs.

 

my wife said that’s two dear!

Surely that should be 8 venison legs?