The joke thread

[Max Wall]

8 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

Oh, ok. 

 

I didn’t realize he was on the celebrity thing (or that it has anything to do with a jungle, for that matter). 

Come on now @Buce, you've been stalking the I'm a Celebrity thread for days in order to feel superior to those in it. You even said so yourself 

[Buce]

5 minutes ago, Max Wall said:

Come on now @Buce, you've been stalking the I'm a Celebrity thread for days in order to feel superior to those in it. You even said so yourself 

 

I posted in it once as a tongue-in-cheek joke, Max.

 

I had no idea (or interest) in its format or who is in it. Truth be told, I don't actually watch television at all, though I will occasionally download series from PB (Breaking Bad, Sons of Anarchy, in the last year).

[Max Wall]

15 minutes ago, Max Wall said:

Come on now @Buce, you've been stalking the I'm a Celebrity thread for days in order to feel superior to those in it. You even said so yourself 

 

5 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

I posted in it once as a tongue-in-cheek joke, Max.

 

I had no idea (or interest) in its format or who is in it. Truth be told, I don't actually watch television at all, though I will occasionally download series from PB (Breaking Bad, Sons of Anarchy, in the last year).

I know that mate, I was only joking too. I've seen you post a number of times that you don't watch TV. and you certainly don't strike me as an 'I'm a celebrity' watcher in any case 

[Beliall]

3 hours ago, Buce said:

 

I posted in it once as a tongue-in-cheek joke, Max.

 

I had no idea (or interest) in its format or who is in it. Truth be told, I don't actually watch television at all, though I will occasionally download series from PB (Breaking Bad, Sons of Anarchy, in the last year).

downloading TV series is wrong





stream them online instead

[Izzy]

I was telling my mate down the pub last night about my first parachute jump.

 

I said ''When I got to the plane door I just couldn't jump out, so the 6'7" instructor unzipped his fly and flopped out his 14" cock and told me that if I didn't jump he'd stick it right up my arse. 

 

My mate said ''Did you jump?''  

 

I said '' A little bit, when it first went in''

[Parafox]

I've just managed to join a gymnastics club. Getting membership was quite difficult. I had to bend over backwards to be accepted. The committee was split, it was a bit of a tightrope but I managed to swing it.

Edited 23 November 2018 by Parafox

[Izzy]

I always carry a photo of my wife and kids in my wallet.

It reminds me of why there is no fvcking money in there.

[Izzy]

The wife was approaching orgasm and I said "Sorry darling, I can't hold it much longer!"

 

"That's O.K. love, just do it" she whispered. "It'll turn me on even more" 

 

It didn't though.

 

I'd had beans for dinner and it fvcking stunk.

[Buce]

5 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

The wife was approaching orgasm and I said "Sorry darling, I can't hold it much longer!"

 

"That's O.K. love, just do it" she whispered. "It'll turn me on even more" 

 

It didn't though.

 

I'd had beans for dinner and it fvcking stunk.

 

This isn’t the ‘How Was Your Day’ thread, bro. 

[Buce]

I’ve just seen a bloke coming out of Buckingham Palace covered in emulsion. 

 

I think he must have been decorated by the Queen. 

[egg_fried_rice]

Today my son asked me 'Can I have a book mark?' and I burst into tears.

11 years old and the **** still doesn't know my name is Brian.

[Izzy]

I woke up this morning covered in bandages, in a hospital ICU. Tubes entering different parts of my body and wires monitoring every function.
 

A gorgeous nurse was hovering over me and it was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

I heard her say "You may-not feel anything from the waist down"

So I mumbled back "Is it O.K. if I feel your tits then?"

[Izzy]

"Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life" my boss told me.

"Well it got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago, Chile in 2013" I informed him.

"Really?" he asked.

"No" I replied.

[Trav Le Bleu]

I asked Gandalf to summon the band that played "I Want You To Want Me."

 

He said, "Do not mistake me for some conjuror of Cheap Trick!"

[Bob Weasel Fox]

Whilst cooking tonight I accidentally rubbed some herbs in my eyes. I’m now Parsley sighted

[Tinman]

Some git broke into my house and stole a limbo stick. How low can you go?

[Izzy]

I just went up into the attic and found a present I forgot to give the kids last Christmas.

 

It's a shame. They would have loved that puppy.

[Izzy]

I've just been watching the news with the wife and she says "What do you think will happen in Syria?"

 

I said "I reckon it's between Juventus and Napoli for the title.

[Buce]

10 hours ago, Bob Weasel Fox said:

Whilst cooking tonight I accidentally rubbed some herbs in my eyes. I’m now Parsley sighted

 

Thyme heals all wounds. 

Edited 26 November 2018 by Buce

[RODNEY FERNIO]

52 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

Thyme heals all wounds. 

Very true … you wise old sage.

[Milo]

Should have seen all these bad puns cumin...

[ozleicester]

This thread is peppered with them

[Tinman]

If a woman has sex with a lot of men she's a slut, But if a man does it then he's a homosexual. when will the double standards end?

[Max Wall]

Thracian's back 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited 26 November 2018 by Max Wall

[Max Wall]

15 hours ago, Bob Weasel Fox said:

Whilst cooking tonight I accidentally rubbed some herbs in my eyes. I’m now Parsley sighted

Oregano get that sorted mate?