The joke thread

[egg_fried_rice]

I got fired from my job at the bank today.
 

An elderly lady asked me to check her balance.

 

So I pushed her over.

[spacemunky]

On 11/11/2018 at 04:21, Jon the Hat said:

Saw U2 in Dublin last night, great gig but I was worried Bono was going to fall off the  stage; he was standing too close to the Edge!

That's terrible 

[surrifox]

My ex used to ask me to text her when I got in . That's how small my penis is .

[Jon the Hat]

38 minutes ago, spacemunky said:

That's terrible 

The gig was good fortunately!!

[Buce]

23 minutes ago, surrifox said:

My ex used to ask me to text her when I got in . That's how small my penis is .

 

I can empathise with that. One of my exes said, “Give me twelve inches and make me scream”.

 

So I fvcked her four times then took the bag off my head. 

[Ian Nacho]

I booked a hotel room for me and my two kids, at reception I asked if the porn on the television is disabled. The woman replied 'you dirty b*stard.'

[woznotwos]

Can't wait for tomorrow night ! I start my new job as a triangle player in a reggae band ,  sounds like just the job for me I just stand at the back and ting 

[Max Wall]

Just now, woznotwos said:

Can't wait for tomorrow night ! I start my new job as a triangle player in a reggae band ,  sounds like just the job for me I just stand at the back and ting 

Come back Izzy, all is forgiven.

[woznotwos]

Just now, Max Wall said:

Come back Izzy, all is forgiven.

That bad ? Really ? i'm going to bed to give considerable thought to my life .

[Max Wall]

Just now, woznotwos said:

That bad ? Really ? i'm going to bed to give considerable thought to my life .

It's the least you can do tbh.

[Max Wall]

[Izzy]

I was at work today when an attractive young female colleague came up to me and asked me what my ring tone was.

 

I said "Blimey, you're a bit forward ain't ya! It's light brown like everyone else's"

[Izzy]

I asked my Welsh mate down the pub how many sexual partners he'd had.

 

He started counting, then fell asleep.

[Countryfox]

2 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I was at work today when an attractive young female colleague came up to me and asked me what my ring tone was.

 

I said "Blimey, you're a bit forward ain't ya! It's light brown like everyone else's"

 

Mines more a puckered dark brown tbh.

[Buce]

 

2 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I was at work today when an attractive young female colleague came up to me and asked me what my ring tone was.

 

I said "Blimey, you're a bit forward ain't ya! It's light brown like everyone else's"

 

I’ll probably regret asking, but how do you know?

[Buce]

1 minute ago, Countryfox said:

 

Mines more a puckered dark brown tbh.

 

Too. Much. Information. 

[Beliall]

Just now, Buce said:

 

Too. Much. Information. 

the ones i see on "tv" are all white

[Aus Fox]

I started thinking about my New Years resolutions today. So far I got:

1. Make less lists

B. Be more consistent 

7. Learn to count

[Buce]

12 minutes ago, Aus Fox said:

I started thinking about my New Years resolutions today. So far I got:

1. Make less fewer lists

B. Be more consistent 

7. Learn to count

1

F. Buy a book on English grammar

[TiffToff88]

14 minutes ago, Aus Fox said:

I started thinking about my New Years resolutions today. So far I got:

1. Make less lists

B. Be more consistent 

7. Learn to count

Things I hate:

1. Forums

2. Lists

3. Irony

4. Lists

5. Repetition

F. Inconsistency

[Mayofox]

I left my last girlfriend because she wouldn't stop counting. I often wonder what she's up to now

Edited 16 November 2018 by Mayofox

[yorkie1999]

I dig, She dig, we dig, he dig, they dig, you dig

 

It’s not a pretty poem, but it’s deep.

[Izzy]

Honestly, we're so skint that I had to get my wife to sell one of her kidneys to help pay for Christmas.

 

If things get any worse, I might have to cancel Sky Sports.

[Izzy]

I turned to the wife just now and said, "I'm into anal".

 

She gave me that look of despair and glared at me and replied, "Animal".

 

I love it when we do the cryptic crossword together.

[Izzy]

I'm really worried about my Parrot.

 

He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".

 

My room-mate's too selfish to notice though. He just sits there crying.