The joke thread

[Jimothy]

4 hours ago, TiffToff88 said:

I don't think we're ever going to find a winner in this French Pun war. can we just end it now and Calais truce?

You're right, maybe it has been going on Toulon, we should Rennes it in a bit now.

[Tinman]

[Bob Weasel Fox]

Your mother cooks socks in hell

 

by the Dyslexorsist 

[Bob Weasel Fox]

In hindsight I should of posted my Facebook status as I’ve blown the head gasket of my 2003 Ford rather I’ve just ****ed a 15 year old escort 

the Police still haven’t seen the funny side my laptop has been confiscated and the wife has gone to live with her mum . . . 

[Mayofox]

What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?

 

The cold shoulder.

 

 

[Tinman]

Why is everyone hating on Saville when I was younger he fixed it for me so I could milk a cow with a blindfold on

[Wolfox]

A bestialist, a sadist, a murderer, a necrophiliac, a pyromaniac and a masochist are sat in the dayroom of Broadmoor Hospital;
The bestialist says "Let's catch a cat and rape it!"
The sadist says "Then we'll torture it!"
The murderer says "Then we'll kill it!"
The necrophiliac says "Then we'll **** it again!"
The pyromaniac adds "Then we'll set it on fire!"
There's a moment of silence and they all turn to look at the masochist, "Miaow?" he replies

[Mayofox]

At a funeral recently, I asked the widow of the deceased if I could say a word. She said "Of course", so I stood up and said "Plethora". She touched me on the arm and said "That means a lot".

[Izzy]

1 hour ago, Mayofox said:

At a funeral recently, I asked the widow of the deceased if I could say a word. She said "Of course", so I stood up and said "Plethora". She touched me on the arm and said "That means a lot".

It's funny because I was also at a funeral recently and asked the widow of the deceased if I could say a word. She said "Of course", so I stood up and said "Bargain".

 

She touched me on the arm and said "That means a great deal".

[Beliall]

21 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

It's funny because I was also at a funeral recently and asked the widow of the deceased if I could say a word. She said "Of course", so I stood up and said "Bargain".

 

She touched me on the arm and said "That means a great deal".

Funnily enough, i was also at a funeral, i asked to say a word, got up and said "Again"

I sat back down and she said to me, "you're right, we have heard these jokes before"

[Izzy]

17 minutes ago, Beliall said:

Funnily enough, i was also at a funeral, i asked to say a word, got up and said "Again"

I sat back down and she said to me, "you're right, we have heard these jokes before"

Funnily enough, everyone keeps regurgitating my old jokes so I thought I'd play along 

[Jimothy]

It's funny you both mention funerals. I was asked to say a word at one recently. I got up and said "Vienna"

 

I sat back down and the widow said "This means nothing to me"

 

(Pretty sure that's an Izzy classic)

[fuchsntf]

13 minutes ago, Facecloth said:

It's funny you both mention funerals. I was asked to say a word at one recently. I got up and said "Vienna"

 

I sat back down and the widow said "This means nothing to me"

 

(Pretty sure that's an Izzy classic)

I am sure he said marathon,and the widow said the do we have to keep this shit running...

He needs burying...and don't kill the messenger!!!

 

[justfoxes]

The guy who invented the auto correct and predictive text has sadly died “ MAY HE ROAST IN PISS !!”

[Buce]

2 hours ago, justfoxes said:

The guy who invented the auto correct and predictive text has sadly died “ MAY HE ROAST IN PISS !!”

 

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

[Wymsey]

How did Louis XIV feel after completing the Palace of Versailles? Baroque.

Edited 26 October 2018 by Wymeswold fox

[Carl the Llama]

6 minutes ago, Wymeswold fox said:

How did Louis XIV feel after completing the Palace of Versailles? Baroque.

Heard that joke before, it doesn't need a renaissance.

[Milo]

How do you invite a dinosaur round for dinner...

 

 

 

Tea, Rex?

[Tuna]

2 hours ago, Milo said:

How do you invite a dinosaur round for dinner...

 

 

 

Tea, Rex?

[The Bear]

My windscreen was frozen over this morning but I'd lost my scraper. I had to use a discount card but it was rubbish, it only got 20% off. 

[Izzy]

I phoned my old Mum tonight to ask how she was getting on with her new stair lift.

 

She said ”To be honest, it’s driving me up the wall”

[Tinman]

At age 12, I was blessed with a nine inch penis. And three years later, that priest went to prison.

[Alf Bentley]

15 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I phoned my old Mum tonight to ask how she was getting on with her new stair lift.

 

She said ”To be honest, it’s driving me up the wall”

 

That's a shame, Izzy. 

 

I was talking to Robert Plant's Mum and she said hers was like a stairway to heaven.

[Tinman]

I found a horror book written in braille. Something bad is going to happen; I can feel it.

[egg_fried_rice]

What's the best way to annoy Count Dracula?

 

Make him a little cross.