The joke thread

[Buce]

18 minutes ago, Bob Weasel Fox said:

My mate needed a bone marrow transplant

We found a match in Argentina

The operation was a success

Our thanks go out to Diego Marrow Donor

 

I think we need a ‘groan’ emoji. 

[Tielemans63]

My dad is always complaining about the cost of things; "£1.50 for a coffee?! £3.75 for a ham sandwich?! 20p to just to go to the loo?!" - Honestly, he was moaning about it all afternoon.

 

That's the last time I invite him over to my house.

[Izzy]

I've got a new job collecting litter.

 

They didn't give me any training though. I just picked it up as I went along...

[Izzy]

I got stopped by the police at about 3.00am yesterday.

 

The officer asked me "Where do you think you're going at this time of night?"

 

I replied "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late"

 

The officer said "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

 

I said "That would be the wife"

[Bob Weasel Fox]

I'm really pleased for my friend. He's just got a job as a lift assistant.  I think he's found his level.

[ozleicester]

1 minute ago, Bob Weasel Fox said:

I'm really pleased for my friend. He's just got a job as a lift assistant.  I think he's found his level.

hes going up in the world then

[TiffToff88]

2 minutes ago, Bob Weasel Fox said:

I'm really pleased for my friend. He's just got a job as a lift assistant.  I think he's found his level.

That jokes bad on so many levels

[glenny_fox]

2 hours ago, Bob Weasel Fox said:

I'm really pleased for my friend. He's just got a job as a lift assistant.  I think he's found his level.

I hate lift assistants. They really know how to push my buttons.

[Buce]

 

Well, that escalated quickly...

[davieG]

Reading these jokes gives me a lift but can take me down.

[SouthStandUpperTier]

This thread has been elevated to a new level.

[Buce]

My missus might laugh at these. 

 

She’s out at the minute but I’ll escalator. 

[Bob Weasel Fox]

Just seen an advert in my local paper

MATHS TEACHER NEEDED!
£35,000 - £40,000

So I rang them up and said "The answer is 
 - £5,000" 
Stupid *****.

[Izzy]

I said to the wife, “Last night was fantastic, probably the best ever. But be honest with me, were you faking it?”
 

She said “No No. I really was asleep”

[Izzy]

Sad to hear that the man who invented anagrams passed away today.

 

May he erect a penis.

[Izzy]

A shepherd said to me today "I've got 27 sheep, can you help me round them up?"

 

I said "Sure, let's call it's 30".....

[Milo]

If you could choose between a perfect wife, or a perfect car - what would you choose....?

 

 

 

 

 

...Diesel or petrol? 

[Parafox]

18 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

A shepherd said to me today "I've got 27 sheep, can you help me round them up?"

 

I said "Sure, let's call it's 30".....

[Foxesmints]

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.
''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''
''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.
"Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.
''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''
''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''
''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.
''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.
''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers.
"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...''
''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[Izzy]

I've just got a new job demonstrating how to use road maps 

 

We'll see how that unfolds...

[Bob Weasel Fox]

A bank robber walks up to one of his hostages and asks, "Did you see my face?"The hostage replies, "Yes."The robber takes aim and shoots the man in the head.He turns to the next man. "And did you see my face?""No, but my wife did"

[SouthStandUpperTier]

3 hours ago, Milo said:

If you could choose between a perfect wife, or a perfect car - what would you choose....?

 

 

 

 

 

...Diesel or petrol? 

Electric.

[Izzy]

My boy just asked me "What's your favorite time on a clock face Dad?"

 

I said "6.30 son. Hands down"

[VLC86]

12 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

My boy just asked me "What's your favorite time on a clock face Dad?"

 

I said "6.30 son. Hands down"

Google a comedian called Tony Cowards, recon you would like him if you are laughing at your own jokes.

[Izzy]

12 minutes ago, Costock_Fox said:

Google a comedian called Tony Cowards, recon you would like him if you are laughing at your own jokes.

Just watched a bit of him on YouTube and now following him on Twitter - I like his style 

 

"Overall, I'm a fan of German football shirts. Bayern large"