The joke thread

[Izzy]

My sister-in-law just sat on my glasses and broke them.

 

It was my own fault though. I really should have taken them off.

[notnow john]

My brother in law has just started a business making glass coffins.

I'm not convinced but he's really confident it will be successful .

Remains to be seen.

Edited 16 November 2018 by notnow john
Spelling

[fuchsntf]

44 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

My sister-in-law just sat on my glasses and broke them.

 

It was my own fault though. I really should have taken them off.

That was my cousin,she said some **** ran in, while playing musical chairs

[Mayofox]

I just met up with my old friends from the limbo team. We go way back.

[Facecloth]

31 minutes ago, Mayofox said:

I just met up with my old friends from the limbo team. We go way back.

I know those guys, they're great. They'd bend over backwards for anyone.

[Alf Bentley]

2 hours ago, Mayofox said:

I just met up with my old friends from the limbo team. We go way back.

 

2 hours ago, Facecloth said:

I know those guys, they're great. They'd bend over backwards for anyone.

 

 

I have to admit that they set the bar low for everyone.

[Izzy]

I was walking through Hong Kong's red light district, when a very young girl approached me.

 

"You want sucky fvcky?" she asked. "Only ten dorras!"

 

I said "Hey, you are way too young"

 

She said "How you know my name?"

[Izzy]

Went out last night and got proper wasted and woke up this morning next to a really fat lass who was snoring and farting.

 

At least I got home O.K. 

[Buce]

21 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

Went out last night and got proper wasted and woke up this morning next to a really fat lass who was snoring and farting.

 

At least I got home O.K. 

 

You live with my mother-in-law?

[Izzy]

The wife was just counting out all the 1p's and 2p's on the kitchen table, when she suddenly got all angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.

 

I thought to myself, "She's going through the change"

[Max Wall]

6 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

The wife was just counting out all the 1p's and 2p's on the kitchen table, when she suddenly got all angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.

 

I thought to myself, "She's going through the change"

Must be the last few pages of the book is it Izzy? They always put the shite ones at the end. 

[Izzy]

25 minutes ago, Max Wall said:

Must be the last few pages of the book is it Izzy? They always put the shite ones at the end. 

 

This little kid came up to me today and said "What's your favourite Teletubbie?"

 

I said "Probably the new 4K Samsung 55" you cheeky little bastard" 

Edited 18 November 2018 by Izzy Muzzett

[Trav Le Bleu]

What is Sean Connery when he's not awake?

 

A sheep.

[Buce]

I heard today that the Chinese pave their motorways with dead snakes. 

 

Sounds like a road of old cobras to me. 

[Izzy]

It's been really hard to get over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey.

 

But I've managed to turned myself around, and that's what it's all about.

[Strokes]

27 minutes ago, Buce said:

I heard today that the Chinese pave their motorways with dead snakes. 

 

Sounds like a road of old cobras to me. 

If you can’t beat em, join em. Eh buce?

[Benguin]

I was telling my blonde mate that it’d been a while and asked her to be my wingman on a night out. She sat on her hand and said she had read somewhere that if you sit on your hand it feels like someone else’s. After ten minutes she then proceeded to toss me off. I didn’t have the heart to tell her.

[Izzy]

I said to the wife, "Do you fancy trying a different position tonight?"

 

She said, "That's a great idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart"

[the fox]

A bald man slipped in the shower and fell on his head... Then slipped again. 

[Max Wall]

1 minute ago, the fox said:

A bald man slipped in the shower and fell on his head... Then slipped again. 

That my friend, makes Izzy look like a comedy genius. I'm not accepting a language barrier excuse this time either.

[Izzy]

I couldn't get tickets for this year's Bulimia Awards.

 

Apparently the place was heaving.

[Nalis]

6 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I couldn't get tickets for this year's Bulimia Awards.

 

Apparently the place was heaving.

Thats so bizarre, I wanted to go to the schizophrenia awards but we couldnt get tickets.

[the fox]

1 hour ago, Max Wall said:

That my friend, makes Izzy look like a comedy genius. I'm not accepting a language barrier excuse this time either.

Stop hating. You know that was a very funny joke, mate. 

 

Actauly, here's another one. 

 

2 crazy men broke-out of the mental asylum and stole a car, and while on the road, the first crazy man told the second "turn left". The second man replyed "you turn left, i am driving" 

[Izzy]

2 minutes ago, the fox said:

Stop hating. You know that was a very funny joke, mate. 

 

Actauly, here's another one. 

 

2 crazy men broke-out of the mental asylum and stole a car, and while on the road, the first crazy man told the second "turn left". The second man replyed "you turn left, i am driving" 

I don't even know why I'm laughing 

[Max Wall]

10 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I don't even know why I'm laughing 

Coz you two are kindred spirits