The joke thread

[Aus Fox]

29 minutes ago, Captain... said:

Surely that should be 8 venison legs?

Haha fecked the whole joke didn’t i

[Alf Bentley]

3 hours ago, Captain... said:

Surely that should be 8 venison legs?

 

Disablist!

 

One-legged deer should have equal rights to be included in dodgy jokes, same as any other deer.

[TiffToff88]

54 minutes ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

Disablist!

 

One-legged deer should have equal rights to be included in dodgy jokes, same as any other deer.

Do the blind ones have equal rights too? I need to know because I have no-eyed-deer!

[Captain...]

55 minutes ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

Disablist!

 

One-legged deer should have equal rights to be included in dodgy jokes, same as any other deer.

I did wonder if deer are different in Australia, maybe because they are upside down the head is called a leg and it's legs are called heads.

 

In which case the joke makes perfect sense.

[Captain...]

2 minutes ago, TiffToff88 said:

Do the blind ones have equal rights too? I need to know because I have no-eyed-deer!

You could ask me the same question about ones with no eyes and no legs. Still no idea!

[TiffToff88]

25 minutes ago, Captain... said:

You could ask me the same question about ones with no eyes and no legs. Still no idea!

Funny you should say that because mine are blind, legless and celibate.

 

Still no f**king idea!

[Izzy]

We're a bit skint so I sent the wife out to work the streets again.

 

She came back home with £50.50p

 

I said "Who gave you the 50p?"

 

She said "They all did"

[Izzy]

The wife was in the kitchen this morning cooking me bacon & eggs, when I suddenly heard a massive loud thud.

 

Running in I found her collapsed on the floor & not breathing. I had no idea what to do.

 

Then I remembered, Wetherspoons do an all-day breakfast for just £3.99.

[Izzy]

The wife just shouted at me "Will you PLEASE stop singing Oasis songs!!!"

 

I said Maybeeee.....

[Durnerz]

10 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

The wife just shouted at me "Will you PLEASE stop singing Oasis songs!!!"

 

I said Maybeeee.....

 

My wife pleaded with me to quit my obsession with The Munkee's

 

I thought she was joking.....but then I saw her face...

[ozleicester]

On 26/01/2018 at 06:15, Izzy Muzzett said:

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with 60's pop band The Monkees.

 

I thought she was joking, and then I saw her face...

 

2 minutes ago, Durnerz said:

 

My wife pleaded with me to quit my obsession with The Munkee's

 

I thought she was joking.....but then I saw her face...

A clever attempt to disguise it.. but...  

[Durnerz]

1 minute ago, ozleicester said:

 

A clever attempt to disguise it.. but...  

To be fair, Izzy used my material in the Oasis joke from a few pages back - both quality gags 

[Bob Weasel Fox]

A German midget jumped into the river yesterday to save my precious little dog who was drowning...
...After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said "Here is ze dog, keep him warm, dry him off and he vil be fine"...
...I said to him "Are you a little vet?" 
He replied "A little vet?"..... "I'm ****ing soaked"

[foxfanazer]

Three old spinster sisters, Kitty, Sissy and Fanny, never had boyfriends in their lives due to the fact they all had big feet. Kitty and Sissy wore a 12 but Fanny wore size 16.
They finally decided to get over their embarrassment and have a night out in town.
However on the last minute Fanny didn't want to go, so Kitty and Sissy went anyway.
After a few drinks they finally pulled a couple of guys. 
One of the lads looked down and said " bloody hell girls, haven't you got big feet!"
To which Sissy and Kitty replied together, 
" Ha! If you think our feet are big you should see the size of our Fannies!"

[ozleicester]

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

 

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence

[Izzy]

I took my pet Rottweiler to the Vets today.

 

I said to the Vet, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?

 

'Well", says the Vet, "let me have a look at him then".

 

So he picks up my dog up and examines his eyes and then checks his teeth.

 

Finally, he says "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to put him down".

 

I said "What the fvck! Just because he's cross-eyed!?"

 

"No" says the Vet, "Because he's really heavy"

[Wolfox]

Which spice girl can carry the most water?
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Geri can

[surrifox]

I asked a landscape gardener to come to my house and give me a quote for some work. He told me he couldn't help - turns out my garden is portrait 

[egg_fried_rice]

Would anyone be interested in being my companion?

Asking for a friend.

[Mayofox]

After opening ballot boxes, we always hear about the presence of tallymen. Never tallywomen or tallychildren. Do women or children not count? 

[TiffToff88]

Can anyone remember a few months back, we had a joke thread on this forum. Did it get moved somewhere else because I haven't seen it for a while!

[Parafox]

On ‎09‎/‎11‎/‎2018 at 12:42, TiffToff88 said:

Can anyone remember a few months back, we had a joke thread on this forum. Did it get moved somewhere else because I haven't seen it for a while!

Some people think Michael Mcintyre is a comedian so you shouldn't expect too much from the general public.

[Alf Bentley]

On 09/11/2018 at 11:56, Mayofox said:

After opening ballot boxes, we always hear about the presence of tallymen. Never tallywomen or tallychildren. Do women or children not count? 

 

Only loose women. Plenty of tally-hos at election time.

[davieG]

9 hours ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

Only loose women. Plenty of tally-hos at election time.

All Tories though surely.

[Jon the Hat]

Saw U2 in Dublin last night, great gig but I was worried Bono was going to fall off the  stage; he was standing too close to the Edge!