True happiness? Is it possible?

[Parafox]

OK, deep breath...

 

I'm currently having some therapy to help me deal with issues that have happened throughout my life. The therapist asked me if I head ever been truly happy in my life. 

On reflection, I had to say no, for different and various reasons. I really do struggle to find true, long-lasting, genuine happiness. My life has had so many disappointments, struggles, stresses and loss. I'm happy on the face of things but actually... inside I'm living with a lifetime of sadness and emotional struggle. I have no real hobbies or things that will fill my time and I spend hours just doing nothing very productive.

I wish I could understand what being genuinely happy is like. 

I just get on with life and live within my feelings. 

We adopted both our duaghters, one at 2 and a half yrs old, the second at 6 months. The older one has mental health issues from her early life trauma (being offered to male birth family members for sex at 1 yr old as well as neglect, nappies not changed for days and left cold and hungry outside pubs). That brings huge emotional pressures to us and has caused us 20 years of distress and despair. I have lost 2 grandaughters to adoption becuse our eldest daughter was so mentally incapable of caring for them. That has had a huge traumatic effect on her which we are still trying to manage 10 years on. I feel like I'm stuck in my life.

I'm not a naturally outgoing person and I do find that casual friendships never progress as I don't like giving too much of myself towards them.

 

Am I alone or do others have similarly abject lifestyles?

 

Apologies but I needed to ask...

[Rogstanley]

The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation

- Henry David Thoreau

 

Absolutely true in my experience.

[Izzy]

7 minutes ago, Parafox said:

OK, deep breath...

 

I'm currently having some therapy to help me deal with issues that have happened throughout my life. The therapist asked me if I head ever been truly happy in my life. 

On reflection, I had to say no, for different and various reasons. I really do struggle to find true, long-lasting, genuine happiness. My life has had so many disappointments, struggles, stresses and loss. I'm happy on the face of things but actually... inside I'm living with a lifetime of sadness and emotional struggle. I have no real hobbies or things that will fill my time and I spend hours just doing nothing very productive.

I wish I could understand what being genuinely happy is like. 

I just get on with life and live within my feelings. 

We adopted both our duaghters, one at 2 and a half yrs old, the second at 6 months. The older one has mental health issues from her early life trauma (being offered to male birth family members for sex at 1 yr old as well as neglect, nappies not changed for days and left cold and hungry outside pubs). That brings huge emotional pressures to us and has caused us 20 years of distress and despair. I have lost 2 grandaughters to adoption becuse our eldest daughter was so mentally incapable of caring for them. That has had a huge traumatic effect on her which we are still trying to manage 10 years on. I feel like I'm stuck in my life.

I'm not a naturally outgoing person and I do find that casual friendships never progress as I don't like giving too much of myself towards them.

 

Am I alone or do others have similarly abject lifestyles?

 

Apologies but I needed to ask...

So much I want to say about this brave post but it's only 30 mins until kick off!

 

Will definitely respond after the full time whistle 

[Strokes]

You can’t enjoy the highs unless you feel the downs my friend. Some people’s peaks and troughs are not as far apart as others but we all have good and bad days. Don’t sweat it you are not alone.

 

What has happened with your daughter sounds awfully hard and time consuming, maybe this is a reason you have no hobbies because previously you haven’t had time. Try not to be so hard on yourself, there is still plenty of time to find what you are looking for. I wish you the best.

[Parafox]

8 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

So much I want to say about this brave post but it's only 30 mins until kick off!

 

Will definitely respond after the full time whistle 

Enjoy the game. I'll be watching in the pub 

[Parafox]

7 minutes ago, Strokes said:

You can’t enjoy the highs unless you feel the downs my friend. Some people’s peaks and troughs are not as far apart as others but we all have good and bad days. Don’t sweat it you are not alone.

 

What has happened with your daughter sounds awfully hard and time consuming, maybe this is a reason you have no hobbies because previously you haven’t had time. Try not to be so hard on yourself, there is still plenty of time to find what you are looking for. I wish you the best.

You know what, I'd never even considered that as a reason, but you're right. Thank you. 

[Strokes]

Just now, Parafox said:

You know what, I'd never even considered that as a reason, but you're right. Thank you. 

Perhaps you need to start putting yourself first for a while, you don’t have to be totally selfish but just dedicate a chunk of time for yourself once a week. You might find it does you the world of good.

[joachim1965]

I doubt anybody is truly happy all the time, life throws too much at us sometimes, but sometimes the hard times can define us and turn us into better more rounded individuals.

I sincerely hope this can be true in your case.

[Izzy]

3 hours ago, Parafox said:

OK, deep breath...

 

I'm currently having some therapy to help me deal with issues that have happened throughout my life. The therapist asked me if I head ever been truly happy in my life. 

On reflection, I had to say no, for different and various reasons. I really do struggle to find true, long-lasting, genuine happiness. My life has had so many disappointments, struggles, stresses and loss. I'm happy on the face of things but actually... inside I'm living with a lifetime of sadness and emotional struggle. I have no real hobbies or things that will fill my time and I spend hours just doing nothing very productive.

I wish I could understand what being genuinely happy is like. 

I just get on with life and live within my feelings. 

We adopted both our duaghters, one at 2 and a half yrs old, the second at 6 months. The older one has mental health issues from her early life trauma (being offered to male birth family members for sex at 1 yr old as well as neglect, nappies not changed for days and left cold and hungry outside pubs). That brings huge emotional pressures to us and has caused us 20 years of distress and despair. I have lost 2 grandaughters to adoption becuse our eldest daughter was so mentally incapable of caring for them. That has had a huge traumatic effect on her which we are still trying to manage 10 years on. I feel like I'm stuck in my life.

I'm not a naturally outgoing person and I do find that casual friendships never progress as I don't like giving too much of myself towards them.

 

Am I alone or do others have similarly abject lifestyles?

 

Apologies but I needed to ask...

Although you're been very unkind to me on the joke thread () I have the utmost admiration and respect for you mate.

 

First of all, you literally 'save lives' in your job, which is something I and millions of others would be incapable of. Then reading about your adopted daughters made me realise that I wouldn't be able to do that either. You're obviously made of very stern stuff - although you may not realise it..

 

If it's any consolation, I feel pretty much exactly the same as you about life. I read a book about happiness called 'Be Happy Now' by Michael Neill and he talked about the long lasting, genuine happiness you mention. I see that as having real peace of mind and contentment, rather than anxiety, agitation and the feeling that something is missing...

 

I've got no advice or suggestions apart from finding a hobby that will get you out and among friends. For me it's golf and the opportunity to spend time with other depressives beating ourselves up on the course. 

 

One thing that does help me a bit is getting 'grateful' when things are tough. Reminding myself of the good things in my life and how fortunate I really am in the grand scheme of things. It sounds like you've had a shit load of bad luck in your life to date and I hope there is something around the corner for you that will provide you with the happiness you desire...

 

I dunno mate. I wanted to say something that might help but I'm just rambling really. 

 

[Trav Le Bleu]

Find contentment in the little things. A beautiful sunset, the song of birds, maybe music you love or a film or a book. Give yourself something to look forward to, but not something too far away and grand. Little and often, as is true of many things, is the best way. Talk to people, but listen too - you'd be amazed at some of the things people say, often unintentionally. 

 

If I remember correctly, you're a paramedic, or were, so you've had a huge and beneficial impact on people's lives in a way that 99% of us on this forum can't even start to compare with. You've had the guts also to take on children with real needs, who weren't your own - not many would do that. You have every reason to take pride in what you've achieved.

 

Oh, and you support the greatest football team in the world (despite the evidence of the last 45 mins).

[Trav Le Bleu]

3 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

Although you're been very unkind to me on the joke thread () I have the utmost admiration and respect for you mate.

 

First of all, you literally 'save lives' in your job, which is something I and millions of others would be incapable of. Then reading about your adopted daughters made me realise that I wouldn't be able to do that either. You're obviously made of very stern stuff - although you may not realise it..

 

If it's any consolation, I feel pretty much exactly the same as you about life. I read a book about happiness called 'Be Happy Now' by Michael Neill and he talked about the long lasting, genuine happiness you mention. I see that as having real peace of mind and contentment, rather than anxiety, agitation and the feeling that something is missing...

 

I've got no advice or suggestions apart from finding a hobby that will get you out and among friends. For me it's golf and the opportunity to spend time with other depressives beating ourselves up on the course. 

 

One thing that does help me a bit is getting 'grateful' when things are tough. Reminding myself of the good things in my life and how fortunate I really am in the grand scheme of things. It sounds like you've had a shit load of bad luck in your life to date and I hope there is something around the corner for you that will provide you with the happiness you desire...

 

I dunno mate. I wanted to say something that might help but I'm just rambling really. 

 

Ha! Pretty much posted the same thing at same time.

 

Although I first read the part I've picked out in bold as, "I feel pretty much the same about you", which I thought was a little harsh.

 

[Parafox]

Izzy and Trav, thank you, your words are genuinely received. (The last 45 mins tonight were difficult to take). 

@Izzy, I like the banter with you on the joke thread and you seem to be able to take optimistic view of life and that's really positive. And I get it, long lasting happiness comes with contentment and a feeling that you're "in the right place" without the anxieties of life. Some people will be in that place but the discontent and anxiety for me is almost overwhelming and I cant see it ever going away. The issues in my life are ongoing. I can't turn away from my daughter but I struggle to live with all the problems created around her. 

 

The things I have, and still go through with her would take pages to explain. A knife held to my chest, threats to kill me and my wife in our sleep, multiple police attendances at our home, hot drinks thrown over me, doors kicked in, physical, mental and verbal abuse, assaults on our younger daughter (now 19 btw and still terrified of the older one). Witnessing her self harm, having to go to hospital with her when nearly died from a Lithium overdose. I now have to arrange and collect and send her meds weekly to her as well as keep control of her spending so she can pay her bills and have enough to live on. (She is now able, barely, to live independently away from us, which is some respite) Please don't think I'm fishing for sympathy, this is a football forum after all. I just feel the need to unload somehow.

 

With the help and guidance from the therapist (CBT) I am starting to try to make time for myself as you both have said is a positive step that has worked for many.

 

Being a paramedic has given me some insight into mental health problems and I'm proud to have been someone that has made a difference to people's lives wherever I could. Whatever job you do, in whatever field, you have some impact. Thing is no-one is without their own problems.

 

I totally take on board what @izzymuzzet and @travlebleu have said and again, I thank you. I want to be happy in my later years. (I'm now 62 FFS lol)

 

[Dr The Singh]

When I go to sikh gurdwara is see the most happiest and blessed people on the planet

[Parafox]

13 minutes ago, Dr The Singh said:

When I go to sikh gurdwara is see the most happiest and blessed people on the planet

Thanks

[Stadt]

In typical foxestalk manner I was going to post saying I've had a few pints, come in and put some tomato puree & cheese on some bread and grilled it and say I'm absolutely ****ing delighted right now but it'll wear off soon haha. Nobody consistently feels true happiness all of the time and I think it'd be almost intoxicating and nauseous if they did - but as Izzy said you have to concentrate on the little victories and cherish what makes you feel great. You don't need me to tell you that you've brought so much joy to the world by helping others, think of all of the mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters and friends you've helped and the happiness that they can continue to bring to the world, it might seem clinical and professional but you've done more than the vast majority of people in the world to make it a better place so I sincerely hope you can find solace in that Para 

[Parafox]

27 minutes ago, Wookie said:

In typical foxestalk manner I was going to post saying I've had a few pints, come in and put some tomato puree & cheese on some bread and grilled it and say I'm absolutely ****ing delighted right now but it'll wear off soon haha. Nobody consistently feels true happiness all of the time and I think it'd be almost intoxicating and nauseous if they did - but as Izzy said you have to concentrate on the little victories and cherish what makes you fell great. You don't need me to tell you that you've brought so much joy to the world by helping others, think of all of the mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters and friends you've helped and the happiness that they can continue to bring to the world, it might seem clinical and professional but you've done more than the vast majority of people in the world to make it a better place so I sincerely hope you can find solace in that Para 

It's genuinely humbling to read the responses of FT members. Thank you... thank you...

 

Life will go on wherever it may lead us...

 

Never tried tomato puree with cheese on toast... that's breakfast sorted 

[Stadt]

18 minutes ago, Parafox said:

It's genuinely humbling to read the responses of FT members. Thank you... thank you...

 

Life will go on wherever it may lead us...

 

Never tried tomato puree with cheese on toast... that's breakfast sorted 

In my head I've resorted to calling it poverty pizza, that's student life for ya

[Captain...]

From the parts of your life you share on here it is clear you are an incredible human being and have done more good in this world than most other people have, and had to deal with way more than your fair share of shit as a consequence.

 

As for happiness I don't know, I know I can keep the demons away most days and sometimes the smallest unexpected thing can keep me going for weeks, but other days something trivial can send me into a downward spiral.

[foxfanazer]

I find that I’m just pretty numb about everything. Genuinely the only strong emotion I feel is the love for my daughter. In some ways I’m envious of the people that feel low sometimes as at least they’re feeling something. Sounds ridiculous I know

[Finnegan]

True happiness is a bit of a meaningless phrase. 

 

Only you can decide what that means to you, really. 

 

There's no minimum required serotonin level to hit or life goals to meet before you can reach it. There's no nirvana of contentment you can zen yourself too, regardless of what the vegan yoga hipsters believe. 

 

There's just you and your own needs and wants. Are you fulfilled? If not, what's missing? 

[SpacedX]

12 minutes ago, Finnegan said:

True happiness is a bit of a meaningless phrase. 

 

Only you can decide what that means to you, really. 

 

There's no minimum required serotonin level to hit or life goals to meet before you can reach it. There's no nirvana of contentment you can zen yourself too, regardless of what the vegan yoga hipsters believe. 

 

There's just you and your own needs and wants. Are you fulfilled? If not, what's missing? 

Those "needs and wants" so often don't equate to fulfilment though. Fulfilment is indeed everything and this is internal not external. Contemporary society places such a high value upon material acquisition, wealth and status which means in the pursuit of supposed happiness, so many are pounding away on the hedonic treadmill and in this context, their "needs and wants" are insatiable. Who you are is not what you have. 

 

Beyond basic Maslovian needs, the pinnacle of the pyramid involves actualisation...a true sense of purpose - and with that often comes contentment. 

[Finnegan]

52 minutes ago, Line-X said:

Those "needs and wants" so often don't equate to fulfilment though. Fulfilment is indeed everything and this is internal not external. Contemporary society places such a high value upon material acquisition, wealth and status which means in the pursuit of supposed happiness, so many are pounding away on the hedonic treadmill and in this context, their "needs and wants" are insatiable. Who you are is not what you have. 

 

Beyond basic Maslovian needs, the pinnacle of the pyramid involves actualisation...a true sense of purpose - and with that often comes contentment. 

 

I kinda find this post oddly offensive. I'm almost never really offended by things people post on here but for some reason that's really irked me. 

 

I'm not really sure where I've ever implied that I think needs and wants are fundamentally material things. Certainly not in the post you've quoted. 

[Guest]

18 hours ago, Parafox said:

OK, deep breath...

 

I'm currently having some therapy to help me deal with issues that have happened throughout my life. The therapist asked me if I head ever been truly happy in my life. 

On reflection, I had to say no, for different and various reasons. I really do struggle to find true, long-lasting, genuine happiness. My life has had so many disappointments, struggles, stresses and loss. I'm happy on the face of things but actually... inside I'm living with a lifetime of sadness and emotional struggle. I have no real hobbies or things that will fill my time and I spend hours just doing nothing very productive.

I wish I could understand what being genuinely happy is like. 

I just get on with life and live within my feelings. 

We adopted both our duaghters, one at 2 and a half yrs old, the second at 6 months. The older one has mental health issues from her early life trauma (being offered to male birth family members for sex at 1 yr old as well as neglect, nappies not changed for days and left cold and hungry outside pubs). That brings huge emotional pressures to us and has caused us 20 years of distress and despair. I have lost 2 grandaughters to adoption becuse our eldest daughter was so mentally incapable of caring for them. That has had a huge traumatic effect on her which we are still trying to manage 10 years on. I feel like I'm stuck in my life.

I'm not a naturally outgoing person and I do find that casual friendships never progress as I don't like giving too much of myself towards them.

 

Am I alone or do others have similarly abject lifestyles?

 

Apologies but I needed to ask...

Interesting post.

 

I believe at the serotonin level happiness is a very temporary notion. You get that ferrari you've always wanted your happy but within weeks the neurochemicals return to their previous level (so you are no longer "happy"), same for a bad event, your pet stick insect dying for example. 

 

But to most of us "happiness" has a different meaning and I guess we each have a unique take on it. I'm a pretty average human being who has lived and is living a very normal life but I'd have to say that most of the time I'm "happy". I don't have a job that I wouldn't give up if I won the lottery but it gives me the means to not have to worry where my next meal is coming from or whether I'll be able to afford the internet for my FT fix. I realise that I'm much better off than the majority of the world and around the middle of the pack for the western world.

 

Happiness is very much about how you look at the world around you. I don't overly concern myself over people who have "more" than me. For example I have a crappy car but I really couldn't care less - it does what it needs to do. My job gives me free time to walk and breathe the air, and feel the wind on my face and listen to the sounds around me. These are things that everyone could benefit from if they wanted to, for me it gives me happiness. I love walking along the beach and looking at the changing sea or coastline. I get happiness from sitting with my wife or cuddling the dog (vice-versa is fine too). Good health is important too, and here I mean physical rather than mental (which I believe is more in our power to alter than physical)

 

Sometimes we just have to accept what we have and who we are. chances are things aren't going to change too much (at least for people of our age) so why not see the good things and feel "happy".

 

I guess that's why I can watch the City and be happy with games like yesterday. I was just happy to be able to watch the whole game - 15 years ago I couldn't do that and in 50 years or a lot less I'll never be able to watch them again. You can see from the forum that there are people who generally see things in a happier way - the optimists and others that don't.

 

I'm genuinely sorry for your daughters and yourself but you only have one life so feeling stuck in it isn't very productive. Only you can change things in your life. personally, and I have no qualifications to say this, I think you need to look differently at who you are and your life. Are any of us really "productive"? Not in the big scheme of things. we're born , we live, we die, we're forgotten. But we all do a few little things for the people we care about (including ourselves) focus on the good things. Go and do some simple things that bring you pleasure - like a walk in a forest - be a little selfish occasionally. If you feel you need to do something "bigger" then volunteer to help people or animals or the environment. Look for something that will give you pleasure. Most if all re-focus your thoughts, accept who you are and perhaps find a little happiness in the fact that you are not in the terrible situations you've been in before, you've survived them and can still feel the sun on your face through the glass, hear a bird chirping in the trees, watch a bee pollenating a flower, admire a vardy goal.

[Guest]

1 minute ago, Finnegan said:

 

I kinda find this post oddly offensive. I'm almost never really offended by things people post on here but for some reason that's really irked me. 

 

I'm not really sure where I've ever implied that I think needs and wants are fundamentally material things. Certainly not in the post you've quoted. 

Just because you think you're rarely offended doesn't make it so. You get offended often  Finnegan. You're a young, intelligent, strongly-opinionated man who gets annoyed very easily. You are a human contradiction which is why we can all both like and dislike you. Line-X post was very reasonable, well intentioned and well thought out (IMO).

 

you, like me (there is a comma there ) and most others, are at the centre of your own world and are too often confused by other centres of the universe voicing their own views and feelings.

[SpacedX]

2 minutes ago, Finnegan said:

 

I kinda find this post oddly offensive. I'm almost never really offended by things people post on here but for some reason that's really irked me. 

 

I'm not really sure where I've ever implied that I think needs and wants are fundamentally material things. Certainly not in the post you've quoted. 

If any offence was taken there was no intent - and certainly this isn't the thread to be irksome, assuming that I wanted to, which I don't.

 

You have completely misconstrued the reason for quoting your post, which was largely the theme of "fulfilment". My point was, that so often in contemporary society for many the needs and wants that you mentioned are equated by material gain which are tokens of success.  Such ephemera is not conducive to long term and sustainable happiness and as I said, is insatiable. It made no assumptions about you, or your own personal values and expectations which I am in no position or have any right to comment on.